Kyle Rittenhouse—the world-famous Antsy Vigilante—is back in the news, this time for defending himself against scary process servers. (Psst, servers: Be sure not to appear too threatening as you approach young Kyle. If death-by-AR-15 is an appropriate defense against skateboard-wielding ruffians, a manila envelope full of anodyne documents is likely to be met with a fusillade of RPGs.)
Sometimes you need to step back and observe the modern-day Republican Party with a bit of a wider lens. To wit: How is it possible that a kid who insinuated himself into a protest over police violence, killed two people with an assault rifle, and then parlayed the worst self-defense video of all time into a spot on the right-wing media circuit is now a beloved GOP mascot? It’s like if Subway had hired Jared after he’d been arrested for child pornography.
Rittenhouse is currently being sued by Gaige Grosskreutz, one of the men he shot during his 2020 rampage in Kenosha, but the kid appears determined to dodge the folks who’ve been trying to serve him. This has prompted Grosskreutz’s lawyers to ask a federal judge for additional time to locate Rittenhouse. The lawsuit is similar to one that John Huber, the father of deceased Rittenhouse victim Anthony Huber, filed in 2021.
RELATED STORY: After 2 years of threats, Gaige Grosskreutz, surviving victim of Kyle Rittenhouse, wants name change
The Associated Press:
An attorney for Grosskreutz said in a legal filing Wednesday that all of the other defendants, except for Rittenhouse, have accepted and waived service of the lawsuit. Rittenhouse’s attorney in the Huber lawsuit said he was not authorized to accept service and a person believed to be Rittenhouse’s mother who answered the door at a home in Florida said “Rittenhouse had been gone for a while,” according to the filing.
Grosskreutz “is currently unaware of Mr. Rittenhouse’s current whereabouts and is concerned that Mr. Rittenhouse is attempting to evade service,” according to the filing seeking a 60-day extension to serve him.
Gee, this guy sure can disappear quickly when it’s convenient. For some reason I can picture him running around with Rep. Louie Gohmert in an elaborate labyrinth of hamster tunnels underneath Tucker Carlson’s industrial labradoodle abattoir, but that’s just me. You might envision him on his nana’s basement couch greedily slurping Keystone Light out of an enormous gerbil bottle. Both are plausible scenarios.
Of course, this isn’t the first time Rittenhouse has tried to avoid responsibility for his overreactions. He also tried to dodge the individual who served him with the Huber lawsuit.
Attorneys and private investigators for Huber’s father spent over 100 hours trying to locate Rittenhouse, tracking down addresses in seven states before they found the home of his mother and sister in Florida. The lawsuit was served on Rittenhouse’s sister, who said that he wasn’t home. [U.S. District Judge Lynn] Adelman said that was sufficient to qualify as being served in the Huber case.
Rittenhouse’s attorneys had argued that the Huber case against him should be dismissed because Rittenhouse wasn’t properly served with the lawsuit. Adelman dismissed that, saying that Rittenhouse “is almost certainly evading service.”
Ya think? Of course, he’s already evaded justice once. He probably thinks he can get away with anything now.
Rittenhouse joins an esteemed list of steamy dung middens who’ve played this tired game of keepaway in the past. In September, reports emerged about Ken Paxton, Texas’ long-indicted attorney general, fleeing his home in a getaway truck driven by his wife to avoid being served a federal subpoena. And a little more than a week ago, David Miscavige, the high suzerain of Scientology, was finally served papers related to a federal human trafficking suit that was filed last April.
RELATED STORY: A gutless Ken Paxton tries to preen after bravely fleeing from a court's process server
Meanwhile, Rittenhouse can be found wherever you get your right-wing podcasts, and he’s certain that the villain at the root of all his problems is none other than liberal philanthropist George Soros. Here he is being interviewed by Donald Trump Jr. in front of the most photogenic cupboards you’ll ever lay eyes on.
Transcript!
KYLE RITTENHOUSE: “It was scary. I was up against these George Soros-funded prosecutors.”
DONALD TRUMP JR.: “Was that what was going on? Were these guys getting some sort of backend donations? … The media, obviously, and everyone else going after ...”
RITTENHOUSE: “I guarantee it. I don’t know for sure, I don’t know for 100% fact, but … I’m sure of it.”
What is it with conservatives and George Soros? I’ve actually been accused more than once of being bankrolled by Soros, though it was news to me. Though apparently all we have to do is light a candle, stare into a mirror, say Soros’ name three times, and he’ll immediately cut a check. He’s paying all of us! Why else would we back a party that refuses to acknowledge Donald Trump’s surpassing morals and intellect?
Whatever. If conservatives really love Rittenhouse this much, they can keep him. Hopefully away from us. Luckily, his generation as a whole gives us plenty of reason to hope for a better future.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.