Late Night Snark: Popping Tucker's Bubble Edition
"I was watching Fox News last night, because apparently I hate my life. You know how the whole world remembers January 6 as the day a bunch of violent Trump fans stormed into the Capitol? Well according to Fox News, we just got the footage wrong..."
[Plays news clip in which Tucker Carlson claims the Jan. 6 rioters "weren't insurrectionists, they were sightseers.”]
"Sightseeing, my Black ass. If you have to punch a cop on your way in, you're not sightseeing, you're fightseeing."
—The Daily Show guest host Marlon Wayans
“The idea of Tucker Carlson being in that mob that day and not wetting his pants is hard to imagine. I find it hard to understand somebody who’s never put himself in harm’s way, in any capacity, for anyone else, or on reporting a story, and yet has the audacity to try to rewrite history.”
—Anderson Cooper
Continued…
You are now below the fold. Muddy shoes only beyond this point.
“Thanks in large part to the former president, there’s a whole industry of people who make a good living trying to make you think you’re insane. Well, I make a very good living reminding you that you’re not. You’d think that once the people gaslighting you on a daily basis have been revealed to be liars—say, in multiple text messages and a 1.6-billion-dollar court filing by Dominion Voting Systems—they would pump the brakes. But apparently, some people are just addicted to being dicks.”
—Stephen Colbert
"Donald Trump's attorneys are asking to delay the trial date of the former president's fraud case because they say the New York attorney general has so much evidence they can't review it all in time. Apparently there are 2.6-million pages of evidence. I love how Trump's defense team is like, 'There's so much evidence of fraud, we don’t have enough time to review it. Also: he's innocent.' "
—James Corden
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"Ron DeSantis has been all over the news this week, as he seemingly is every week. He appointed his backers to a new Disney oversight board. He released a new book, The Courage to be Free—and by the way, I have a little gift for our studio audience. Look under your seats. The gift is: it isn't there! You don’t have to read it. You're welcome!"
—John Oliver
"Florida Governor Ron DeSantis reportedly sent a letter to President Biden requesting that he allow tennis star Novak Djokovic to enter the country to play in the Miami Open tournament. That story again: Ron DeSantis begs Biden to open the border."
—Seth Meyers
"The House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. 'Well thank god I'm not George Santos,' said George Santos."
—Michael Che, SNL
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 10, 2023
Note: Tonight's C&J is dedicated to the memory of loooooong-time Daily Kos community member, C&J kiddie pool splasher, and sterling Canadian citizen-ambassador Observerinvancouver, who passed away Tuesday after a long illness. A proud north-of-the-border Kossack since 2008, "Oiv" loved this place and we loved her back. She wasn't able to post here the last two months, but she was in our thoughts, and we in hers. Always got a nice holiday card from her, and her closing from last year's seems like a succinct farewell to her favorite online family:
Take care. Hugs and scritches as appropriate,
Moyna
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til National Corn Dog Day: 8
Days 'til the Houston Kosher Chili Cook-off in Houston: 9
Percent of poisoning deaths among children 5 and under between 2005 and 2018 that were attributable to opioids, the #1 cause according to the journal Pediatrics: 47%
Number of U.S. job openings in January, down 410,000 from December: 10.8 million
Percent of the time in a study that an observer bumblebee figured out how to solve a puzzle by watching a "demonstrator" bumblebee who had already figured it out: 98%
Letters in "hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, the fear of long words: 36
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "L'Oreal strengthens and conditions. And I'm worth it…"
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JEERS to the Spectacular Backfire Party. Let's see…in the last month the MAGA cult's attacks on Social Security and Medicare bit 'em in the ass on national TV during the State of the Union Address. Then their attempt to rewrite the narrative of their attempted Jan. 6 coup via an unholy alliance between Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy and Tucker Carlson blew up in their faces. Meanwhile, Republicans on various House committees are getting their heads handed to them time after time as wily committee Democrats turn their conspiracy theories to dust. And now the cornerstone of their angry existence just fell on 'em like a piano from a window:
Republican presidential hopefuls are vowing to wage a war on "woke," but anew USATODAY/Ipsos Poll finds a majority of Americans are inclined to see the word as a positive attribute, not a negative one.
Fifty-six percent of those surveyed say the term means "to be informed, educated on, and aware of social injustices." That includes not only three-fourths of Democrats but also more than a third of Republicans. The findings raise questions about whether Republican campaign promises to ban policies at schools and workplaces they denounce as "woke" could boost a contender in the party's primaries but put them at odds with broader public opinion in the general election.
“Most Americans understand that to be woke is to be tuned in to injustices around us,” said Cliff Young of Ipsos.
I know it's still early, but if this keeps up, Republicans are going to create a massive wave for the 2024 elections. I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when they find out it’s blue.
JEERS to a poorly-timed anti-gravity fail. Just a brief mention for the C&J historical archives that Mitch McConnell, 81, fell down again, forcing him into the commie socialist health care system where he was set upon by health professionals in tyranny masks and spouting all kinds of "woke knowledge of anatomy and medicine." Worth mentioning that under the "McConnell Rule," if he is unable to return to work, a replacement can't be named because it's too close to the 2024 presidential election. But…under the "Payback's a Bitch Rule," if Kentucky Governor Andrew Beshear wants to appoint a Democratic replacement, that's okay. Hey, don’t give me that look, Republicans. Rules is rules.
CHEERS to reaching out and touching someone. 5 Exeter Place. Boston, Massachusetts. March. 1876. Thomas Watson receives the first telephone call. On the other end: Alexander Graham Bell. On Watson's next credit card statement: five streaming service subscriptions, a life insurance policy, and a dozen Life Alert bracelets. Smooth operator, that Alex.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to lending a hand. On March 11, 1941, President Roosevelt signed the Lend-Lease Act into law, which allowed American-built war supplies to be shipped to the Allies on loan months before our official entry into World War II. Not to be picky, Britain, but four pencils and a weather desk lamp are still unaccounted for. [Uncomfortably long pause.] And we'd like them back.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Kind of a quiet week for TV, unless you're a die-hard Academy Awards fan. The gang at MSNBC kicks things off by unpacking all the Friday news dump bon-bons. Misty Copeland, the first Black principal dancer for the American ballet Theater, is the guest on PBS’s Firing Line at 8:30. There’s a new Whose Line Is It Anyway tonight at 9 on the CW. Oh, and we invite you to live-tweet tonight’s classic episode of Star Trek at 8 (H&I Network, hashtag #allstartrek) during which Kirk gets court-martialed and the prosecutor is—gasp—an old flame.
The new movies and streaming options are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and you'll find the NCAA women's and men's Madness d’ le March info here. Jenna Ortega (Addams Family spinoff Wednesday) hosts SNL.
On a woozle-friendly 60 Minutes: exploring how dogs diverged from wolves and became friendly, and a report on how doctors study and treat similar cancers in pet dogs and people. The Oscars (nominations list is here), hosted by knee-slapper (but not face-slapper) Jimmy Kimmel, will start Sunday night at 8pm on ABC and end sometime in mid-April. Also at 8: Milhouse’s dad tries to censor and control Springfield’s school curriculum (which Homer then coopts for fun and profit) on The Simpsons, while at 9:30 Lois’s dad adopts a girl from an orphanage to restore his public image on Family Guy. And I'm happy to be able to say again that the weekend will wrap up at 11 with another award-winning edition of John Oliver's Last Week Tonight on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA); Rep. Mike Turner (The Cult-OH); National Transportation Safety Board Jennifer Homendy; Robert Wood Johnson Foundation president Dr. Richard Besser.
Face the Nation: Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen; Gov. Phil Murphy (D-NJ); Rep. Michael McCaul (The Cult-TX).
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Nancy Mace (The Cult-SC); OMB director Shalanda Young; Paul Begala.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Finnish President Saoli Niinisto; Senator John Kennedy (The Cult-LA) spins fake folksy yarns like a crawdad sippin’ a julep down yonder in the holler under the willow tree next to the crick where the bullfrogs sing and debutantes dream of marrying a broad-shouldered colonel.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 10, 2013
CHEERS to cardinal rules. Today's the day 115 grown men lock themselves in a room with a DJ and an open bar and vow not to come out until they've picked the new pope. In recent elections, it's taken about three days for the white smoke to appear. But I can terminate the suspense for you now. You'll find the 266th pope here. In the pizza…
I'm guessing he'll call himself Poperoni the Large with Extra Cheese.
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And just one more…
CHEERS (or, if you hate it, JEERS) to emerging from the dark times. I know, I know…for many of you Daylight Saving Time sucks. In fact, research shows that for 40 percent of Americans, it takes a week or so to physically and/or mentally make the adjustment. But up here in Maine, where global warming is a hoax, it's a real shot in the arm to get that extra perceived hour of daylight, and well worth the excruciating childbirth-like pain of losing an hour of sleep. So here's the deal: make a note to turn your clocks ahead an hour Sunday morning. Or better yet, make a note to tell someone else in your house to do it because you're sick of always being the one who has to stay up ‘til 2am do it.
As usual, Democrats on Capitol Hill will help their Republican colleagues reset their pocket watches. If left to do it themselves, they won’t stop until they've turned 'em back 50 years. Oops. Sorry. I mean decades.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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