Late Night Snark: Mid-March Grab Bag Edition
"I want to start off with some great news about our financial system: we still have one! There were some doubts, thanks to the rapid implosion of Silicon Valley Bank, which collapsed after losing all its assets in 48 hours. … It's pretty bad when the very first time you're hearing about a bank is when it's going out of business. We should've seen it coming from their slogan, Silicon Valley Bank: We Will Be Missed."
—Stephen Colbert
"Fox News host Brian Kilmeade interviewed Florida governor Ron DeSantis over the weekend on a baseball field in Iowa. And no surprise here: their fathers chose not to come out of the corn and reconnect with them."
—Seth Meyers
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Lotion goes in the basket. Thx.
"Donald Trump is finally accepting responsibility for the deadly violence he incited on January 6th. Just kidding—he's blaming it on Mike Pence. Since Mike Pence refused to help him overturn the election, Trump said he 'in many ways deserves blame for what happened at the Capitol.' Which is the presidential equivalent of, If the teller had just put the money in the bag, everybody would've made it home safe."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"Tucker Carlson released footage from the January 6th attacks with the violence edited out, and said it proves it was 'a peaceful gathering.' Which is like editing all the sex out of a porn film and saying it's 'a short film about being a stepmom.' "
—Colin Jost, SNL
"Finally, even Fox News is admitting I won."
—President Biden, referencing the Dominion lawsuit against Fox
The Daily Show guest host Kal Penn...
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“I want to thank the academy for not being mortally offended by the words ‘women' and ‘talking' being put so close together like that. Cheers.”
—Women Talking screenwriter Sarah Polley, from her Oscar acceptance speech after winning for Best Adapted Screenplay
“To my mum, thank you for not crushing my creativity when I was making weird horror movies and dressing in drag as a kid—which is a threat to nobody, by the way!”
—Daniel Scheinert, accepting his Oscar for co-directing Everything Everywhere All at Once
"Microsoft is set to hold a 'Future of Work with AI' event. And this is scary: none of the executives can remember organizing it."
—Seth Meyers
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 17, 2023
Note: Today we are all Irish! Also today: employees processing 331.9 million single-day visa applications at the U.S. Bureau of Consular Affairs are all having a nervous breakdown.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til spring: 3
Days 'til The Taste of Rum Festival in San Juan, Puerto Rico: 8
Number of war crimes cases, including multiple arrest warrants, the International Criminal Court is opening that are tied to Russia’s atrocities in Ukraine: 2
Average price of gas, down 86 cents per gallon from a year ago: $3.43
Current national unemployment rate: 3.6%
Maine unemployment rate in January: 2.9%
Number of alligators given as a gift by the Marquis de Lafayette to President John Quincy Adams, who kept it in a White House bathtub: 1
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Springy…
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CHEERS to the bank whisperer. I know spending the past week clutching Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen's ankles and not letting go until she reassures me that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE BILLY might seem a bit intrusive and perhaps even creepy. But my plan appears to have worked. So, for now, I'm letting her go about her business, unfettered by her human ball-and-chain with the racing heartbeat and twitching eyelids, because during her appearance before the Senate Banking Committee…
…she said that regulators’ “decisive and forceful actions” to take control of California’s Silicon Valley Bank and Signature Bank in New York—and to guarantee all their deposits, including those exceeding the federal $250,000 insurance cap—were designed to instill confidence among American depositors.
“I can reassure the members of the Committee that our banking system remains sound, and that Americans can feel confident that their deposits will be there when they need them,” she said. “This week’s actions demonstrate our resolute commitment to ensure that depositors’ savings remain safe.”
Although I admit I'll miss being dragged around by Secretary Yellen. The food scraps she dropped for me were quite tasty, and in the process she taught me how to sit, shake, and beg.
CHEERS to hitting evil where it hurts. In the immortal words of international policy analyst watchdog ABBA: "Money money money must be funny in the rich man's world. Money money money always sunny in the rich man's world." But the rich mans in Russia who still support their leader's genocide in Ukraine won't be feeling very funny or sunny when they find out that the mighty United States government is ratcheting up the pain on their rich man’s stuff:
From the Treasury Department to the Justice Department, U.S. officials will focus on efforts to legally liquidate the property of Russian oligarchs, expand financial penalties on those who facilitate the evasion of sanctions, and close loopholes in the laws that allow oligarchs to use shell companies to move through the U.S. financial system.
Andrew Adams, who heads the KleptoCapture task force, designed to enforce the economic restrictions within the U.S. imposed on Russia and its billionaires, told The Associated Press that the group is prioritizing its efforts to identify those who help Russians evade sanctions and violate export controls.
“These illicit procurement networks will continue to take up an ever-increasing amount of our bandwidth,” said Adams, who also serves as acting deputy assistant attorney general.
In case you're wondering, Putin's mega-rich stooges have already had $58 billion in assets gently wiped from their portfolios. And if they can't figure out how to stop the hemorrhaging and refill Russia’s piggy bank, they'll be gently ushered to the nearest upper-story window.
CHEERS to the GREAT STATE OF MAINE!!! We told Massachusetts to kiss our hineys (well, the proclamation specifically says “kisseth our hineyeths”) 203 years ago this week, after which we declared our independence and became America’s 23rd and most-envied state, though not under the best of circumstances:
Mainers had begun campaigning for statehood in the years following the Revolution.
The Massachusetts legislature finally consented in 1819. What no one in either Massachusetts or Maine foresaw, however, was that Maine's quest for statehood would become entangled in the most divisive issue in American history—slavery.
Most Mainers supported abolition. They were dismayed that their admission to the Union was linked to the admission of Missouri as a slave state. This controversial "Missouri Compromise" preserved—for a few more decades—the delicate balance between pro- and anti-slavery forces in the U.S. Congress.
We've got a lot going for us, if I do say so myself. We're governed by a liberal Democrat (the first woman guv in the Blaine House who last November destroyed Trump clone Paul LePage in a landslide to win four more years). We're the first state in the country to approve marriage equality by a citizen vote independent of the legislature, our scenery will lower your stress level in mere minutes, our lobster melts in your mouth, we're a national leader in voter turnout (and voting rights), we have a popular new national monument thanks to former President Obama, and our energy is getting greener by the day, as is our marijuana industry. So, if it's okay with the rest of you in the lower 48, we'd like to stay attached to the republic for a little while longer. At least until Canada makes us a better offer.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to "Uncle Jumbo." Happy Birthday to #22 and #24 Grover Cleveland, born March 18, 1837. According to Cormac O'Brien's book Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents, as sheriff of Erie County, New York in the 1870s, Cleveland "personally threw the noose around the necks of two convicted criminals," making him the only American president who personally hanged someone. That is, if you don't count presidents Hoover, Nixon, Bush II, and Trump, who did a pretty good job of personally hanging themselves.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If couch-potato’ing is on your agenda this weekend, here are a few things that may pop up on your TV. The latest Friday news dump gets unpacked by Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew. Or if you’ve had enough news for one day, there’s Penn & Teller: Fool Us! at 8 on the CW followed by a double dose of Whose Line Is It Anyway. Or you can join me for live-tweeting at #allstartrek during the classic Star Trek episode Errand of Mercy (H&I Network), which I believe includes the first appearance of the Klingons.
The new movies (the sequel to Shazam! and Adam Driver’s 65 open today) and streaming options are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and you'll find the NCAA women's and men's put-the-ball-through-the-basketball-ring tournament info here and here.
Sunday evening 60 Minutes does a profile on billionaire businessman Rocco Commisso. On The Simpsons, a mysterious figure from her past gives Marge bowling lessons. And John Oliver continues hammering away at American foolishness on a new edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) delivers pain to the banksters and their panicky tech-sector snowflake clients; Sen. Mike Rounds (The Cult-SD).
This Week: Senator Elizabeth Warren; Human loaf of Wonder Bread Mike Pence discusses why he wants to be the leader of the party that wants to hang him.
Face the Nation: Senator Elizabeth Warren; Rep. Patrick McHenry (The Cult-NC).
CNN's State of the Union: House Hispanic Caucus Chair Rep. Nanette Barragan (D-CA); Gov. Chris Sununu (The Cult-NH); Senator Mark Kelly (D-AZ).
Fox We Lie For Money Sunday: Sen. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD); Allianz chief economic adviser Mohamed El-Arian.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 17, 2013
CHEERS to the changing of the brocade. Upon hearing the news that the new pope is "Francis I" from Argentina, an analyst on MSNBC summed him up by saying "This is a JP II guy," and another called him "a shadow of Benedict." But maybe Kossack Chris Reeves wrote it best: "[B]y selecting a 76 year old South American, the Catholic Church has made a play for the new world…with very old world ideas." I'm a lapsed Episcopalian so I had no dog in this pope fight. But I never pass up an occasion like this to remind the world that Catholics may have all the pomp and circumstance, but Episcopalians rule the world when it comes to pancake suppers. So what'll it be? Links or patties?
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the wearin' o’ the green beer. St. Patrick's Day is today and C&J extends a hearty "Begosh 'n Begorrah" to all our Irish and/or Irish-ish readers. My blood line is Swiss ("Is that the Matterhorn in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Ha ha ha, I kid. It’s really an 8-foot-long Alpine horn."), so I'm totally neutral about St. Patrick's Day. But in accordance with applicable state and federal laws—and we would not publish these otherwise—we bring you the following 15 seconds of copied-and-pasted mirth:
Have you heard about the Irish boomerang? It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
There's a new Irish restaurant being built in town. They're going to serve gourmet 7-course Irish meals. Everyone who comes in gets a potato and a six-pack.
On St. Patrick's Day, Americans are expected to drink over 13 million pints of Guinness. To give you an idea how much beer that is, go outside and look at the sidewalk. —Seth Meyers
What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
Paddy O'Furniture.
And from the Executive O’Mansion:
Remember: if someone walks up to you today and shouts “Lá Fhéile Pádraig sona duit!”, the proper response is, “Don’t move. I’m calling the CDC.”
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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