(Dials phone)
"Hello? Honey, listen, I'm on my way home right now, but I wanted to let you know I won't be around on Tuesday. Instead I'm going to heed Donald Trump's call to go out and protest and rise up against all this tyrannical government oppression I'm seeing. Because Mr. Trump is being unjustly persecuted for paying off his porn star mistress and his supporters need to stand up for him, right now.
"My buddies on Truth Social and I talked about this and we all agree: If we want to skip out on our wives this weekend and cavort with an attractive woman without telling you, we have every right to do so. And we have every right to hide that fact from you, our employers, or anyone else we want, really. It's none of your damn business if we pay to keep our mistresses from posting about our affairs on Facebook and Instagram. And if I need to dip into the family savings or mess with my corporate finances in order to keep the affair quiet, that's my business, too. Anyone who tells me otherwise or suggests I might want to focus on taking the kids to soccer—or helping with the cooking or laundry—instead of paying off my mistresses to keep them from blabbing? Well, they can mind your own damn business. Now, doesn't that make sense?
"And honey, let me tell you: This is personal for me. If they can do this to Trump, they can do it to anybody. It's the kind of thing that makes me want to pull out my AR-15 and storm a federal building. Because if a man can't pay off his mistresses to keep them quiet, what kind of country are we living in? A dictatorship, that's what! Run by women who can make fun of my penis in public forums, criticize my sexual prowess, or worst of all, tell my wife. And how in the hell could I ever expect to run for office, knowing that every porn star or waitress I ever schtupped behind your back could turn around and publicize it right before Election Day? It's positively un-American, what they're doing to Donald Trump.
"There's a line in the sand for every man, honey—a line that no one should cross. They crossed that line when they did this to Donald Trump. And now they're gonna pay. This is the hill we should be ready to die on. So I'll be taking my bear spray and wearing my camo, along with my MAGA baseball cap. They are gonna learn a lesson this time.
"I just wanted to let you know why I'd be out, honey. I knew you'd understand!”
(click)
“Hello? Honey? Hello?”
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