I Haiku So You Don’t Have To
Is it Tuesday yet?
Is it? Huh huh huh? Is it?
Is it Tuesday yet?
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Pulse quickens, sweat drips
Think, Marjorie! Think! Think! Think!
Doorknobs are so hard
Continued…
Badass Ray-Bans gleam
Brains at work in the West Wing
Chill out—Joe's got this
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Panic in the streets
Not an asteroid this time
Daily Kos is down
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A cavernous space
Echoes bounce off stalactites
Speaker scratches head
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Spring is in the air
Out comes his leopard print thong
Down go neighbors' blinds
I imagine I just broke a boatload of haiku rules. Don't get up—I'll find the penalty box myself. And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, March 20, 2023
Note: In the event of a sudden Trump indictment, please remember to follow the proper procedure that we’ve all practiced many times: Stop, Drop, and Roll On The Floor Laughing Your Ass Off.
—Dept. of Karma Management
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By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til Memorial Day and the unofficial start of summer: 10
Days 'til the Cherry Blossom Festival in Virginia Beach: 5
Weekly initial unemployment claims for the week ending March 11, down 20,000 from the previous week and still the lowest since 1969: 192,000
Estimated extra boost in jobs last month because of favorable weather: 65,000
Number of NATO countries now giving Ukraine fighter jets: 2 (Slovakia, Poland)
Percent chance that someone's NCAA men's brackets are still intact after #15 Princeton's 59-55 win over #2 Arizona last Thursday: 0.065%
Length of time Australian Blake Johnston surfed last Friday, riding over 700 waves and beating the old record of 30 hours, 11 minutes set by South African Josh Enslin: 40 hours
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Bilbo vs. Smaug…
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CHEERS to dragging the dragophobes. After watching the MAGA cult lose its shit over harmless (and TAX PAYING!!!) drag queens in other states, a few of Maine's dimmest bulbs thought they'd attract an army of morality pushers to Portland's Deering High School Friday during a student-organized, optional, after-school event about "the history of drag and queer joy." After days of organizing and hatemongering on social media, the army of protesters did show up. And it was a mighty army of four people (including at least one January 6th insurrectionist) and they…
…were met with an even larger group of counter-protesters. … [D]ozens of counter-protesters lined the streets in front of Deering High School waving flags and holding signs. […]
"For young people to see that there are queer people in their own community and they're being themselves, I think that can be really inspiring," Chartreuse Money, one of the drag queens who spoke at the high school, said. Money said she didn't show up in drag and the event was not a show. Instead, she talked to students about the history of drag queens from the 1800s all the way to the present day.
The students left the event with a new appreciation for a sliver of society dedicated to bringing joy and a message of inclusion to the world for hundreds of years. The protesters left with disappointment and aching bunions.
JEERS to unwelcome menaces. Did you hear about that huge blob down in Florida? Scientists are warning that it's toxic, mindless, a menace to life, makes a huge stench wherever it goes, and it's a horrible mess. But enough about Governor DeSantis, I hear the giant toxic algae bloom is pretty bad, too.
CHEERS to Monday morning mea culpas. By all appearances, USPS postmaster Louis DeJoy's behavior during the 2020 election was hand-in-glove with the ways of the MAGA cultist. It seemed like he was doing his damndest to gum up the system so that Democratic votes would be suppressed and his hero DJT would win reelection. I can think of few public officials more despised than that guy, and few people on the left can figure out why the hell he's still around. But with the new issue of TIME magazine comes an eye-opening story on how DeJoy has actually been at the forefront—quietly, without fanfare—of saving and modernizing the postal service. So (and I can't believe I'm saying this) credit where credit is due:
[O]n that frigid winter night [in February 2022], DeJoy was on his way to convincing congressional Republicans—120 in the House and 29 in the Senate—to buy into a lengthy Democratic wish list of postal reforms. When President Joe Biden signed the landmark legislation into law two months later, it guaranteed a union-friendly version of six-day mail service and stabilized health coverage for the 650,000 USPS employees. “There’s no way we could have gotten [the] votes without Louis DeJoy,” says Jim Sauber, the chief of staff for the National Association of Letter Carriers at the time. […]
Crossing conservatives last December, he agreed to transition the Postal Service’s entire fleet to electric vehicles by 2026. DeJoy’s capstone collaboration with Democrats was the Postal Service Reform Act, which is arguably the most bipartisan piece of major legislation in the Biden era, drawing 10 more GOP Senate votes than the $1 trillion infrastructure bill. […]
DeJoy embraced a union idea to expedite mail ballot delivery and set up a panel to oversee election mail. As a record 43% of Americans voted by mail [in 2020], the USPS handled more than 135 million mail ballots. Roughly 94% were processed on time, and 99% made it to election boards within a week. […]
And he helped lobby to get rid of the mandate forcing the USPS to pre-fund the employee health-plan system, "an onerous requirement imposed on no other federal agency—it was bleeding the USPS dry." Today he's continuing to modernize processing centers and improve efficiency. So there you have it—Louis DeJoy kinda redeemed himself. Or, to coin a phrase: he delivered for us. If you've ever had intentions of knocking me over with a feather, this would be a good day.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to cutting and running. On March 20, 1942, General Douglas MacArthur pulled out of the Philippines during World War II so his forces could live to fight the Japanese another day. His words made history: "I shall return." Not so historic were the words that followed: "Accelerator's on the right, Corporal! Go Go Go!!!"
CHEERS to Spring! 'Bout effing time, huh? I don't care if we’re still surrounded by smatterings of increasingly-grey-tinged snow, at exactly 5:24 ET this afternoon, I’ll put on my tutu, strap on my fairy wings, go outside, and partake in the annual tradition of romping barefoot through the blueberry fields with the wee village folk. After arriving back home, we’ll partake in our other annual spring tradition: scraping wee village folk off the bottom of our shoes. (Sorry about that, guys. You’re, like, really wee.)
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 20, 2013
CHEERS to the new guy. Pope Francis was officially installed yesterday. Fair warning, faithful: he comes without a warranty. (Hey, what do you expect when you get something at a pawntiff shop?)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a brief "prelude to a supernova." Congress is deadlocked. The debt ceiling calamity is looming. Climate change rolls merrily on. Red state legislatures and governors are making life hell for their not-rich, not-white, not-male, not-straight residents. And Trump hasn’t been arrested quite yet. But screw all that terribleness. It is insignificant. For the moment, at least. Please enjoy this pleasant distraction: a newly-released pic of a Wolf-Rayet star—"among the most luminous, most massive, and most briefly detectable stars known"—as captured by the James Webb space telescope and revealed last week at SXSW in Austin:
More on the image here. Y'know, I have a feeling there might be life over there in Wolf Rayet Land. I suggest we send a human delegation to check it out. I recommend the House Freedom Caucus. I'll fetch the catapult. You assemble the name badges.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Why splashing in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool is so hard on the body—and what to do about it
—Vox
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