I’ve been authorized by the city of New York to extend a warm welcome to all Trump supporters wishing to protest Donald Trump’s arraignment in New York’s Supreme Court here in sunny Manhattan! On behalf of the New York Board of Council Members, I’m providing some helpful information that I hope will help you to finalize your fun stay in the “city that never sleeps.”
First of all, you’ve got to get here, right? The absolute best way to get around in New York is to drive, as there is little in terms of traffic here to contend with. You don’t want to take any mass transit or cabs, since that will probably involve meeting people who might freak you out a little. But don’t worry, driving in New York is a real pleasure; it’s super-easy, particularly in lower Manhattan, where you’ll probably want to go. Obvious attractions are the picturesque Lincoln and Holland Tunnels, which provide ingress and egress from beautiful, pastoral New Jersey. Those tunnels are so fascinating in their architecture and sheer loveliness that you might want to spend your entire trip just hanging out in them! But try to resist that temptation, please; there’s much to await you on the other side. (As a gesture of goodwill toward our Trump-supporting friends, I’m told there will be no charge to take any of the tunnels or bridges this Tuesday).
Once you enter the city, parking in Manhattan is a breeze! Literally thousands of street parking spaces are almost perpetually available, and if even if you have difficulty finding one (very rare!), there are plenty of affordable parking lots to safely stow that pickup truck. Just ignore those signs you may notice all along the street; they aren’t really meant to be taken seriously. A typical parking rate is $5 per day, almost anywhere, but the New York City Parking authority has also authorized me to advise that all parking fees will be waived this Tuesday. So, free parking for all!
Now, let’s talk about your stay. Hotels in Manhattan are among the most inexpensive in the country; as a useful guide, rates are typically about what you’d find in Decatur, Georgia, or Columbia, South Carolina. Rooms are almost always large and spacious, even in the most popular tourist destinations. You’ll be amazed at how big your room is! I’d wager you will easily find accommodations for under $75 per night, and I’m told that, on top of that, almost all hotels will be offering substantial discounts and free amenities this week. There is never any additional fee for parking at the hotel, and for those of you who choose to go the Airbnb route, as mentioned above, there is parking to be had almost anywhere.
You’ll want to eat, of course. Restaurants in Manhattan have some of the lowest prices around. And it’s always good, familiar “American” food! For a family of four (you are bringing your little ones, right?), you can probably find dinner in Lower Manhattan for a song (that includes a few drinks!). And waiters are among the most polite in the country! They don’t even expect a tip, but a word to the wise: It helps a lot if you advise them that you have no intention of tipping before sitting down to eat. They’ll make sure you get the best service possible!
But let’s get down to the real fun, shall we? You’re here to protest? New York loves protests, even if they do tie up traffic occasionally. You will find New Yorkers to be very sympathetic to your cause: defending the rights of Donald Trump and the terrible tyrannical overreach of the justice system against him. You’ll be among friends! Trump is a truly beloved figure here, almost akin to Jesus or the Pope. That’s why there’s a Trump Tower in Manhattan: because Donald is so aware of the goodwill New Yorkers feel toward him. Nobody is more popular in New York, except maybe Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene!
You’ll find that New Yorkers are very laid-back, probably best compared with the same type of folks you’d find in towns like Burlington, Vermont, or Provincetown, Massachusetts. If you’ve never been to those towns, well ... in a nutshell, everyone’s mantra is “live and let live,” but hopefully, you won’t find us too meek and peace-loving for your taste. A word of caution: Cursing in public is frowned upon. New Yorkers are by nature soft-spoken and absolutely abhor foul language. It’s a very conservative town!
Along those lines, another feature which may appeal to some of you is the utterly homogenous nature of our city. Practically everyone is white wherever you go, and there are no gays, lesbians or transgender folks at all who might disturb you and the kids. Everybody speaks English! And no one will disparage you for wearing your best Trump gear. Just pretend you’re at a big rally in Waco! And don’t be surprised if total strangers come up to you and initiate a conversation, especially when they see your toddler’s Trump t-shirt.
The NYPD is also among the most tolerant police forces in the country when it comes to protests. No permit is ever necessary! Police will usually be seen happily mingling with the protesters, providing a goodwill atmosphere for all, which is improved immeasurably by the fact that they are all unarmed! That’s right, just like in London, no police carry guns in the city of New York. It’s just another way of saying, “We welcome you.” They won’t even react if you get in their face and shout insults at them! Trust me, it’ll be just like Washington, D.C. on Jan. 6! And if anyone asks you, just tell them you’re a “tourist.” They’ll understand.
I know some of you are thinking about bringing your guns. Well, you’re going to love New Yorkers’ attitudes about that! It’s encouraged that you display your handguns openly, so don’t feel shy about displaying them as you walk by the police. They’ll smile and wave, I promise you. Remember, most of the folks in New York feel exactly the same way you do about the terrible injustice that the Deep State is perpetrating here, so you’ll have plenty of support.
You’ll feel at ease everywhere you go, but if you have a little extra time, be sure to check out the cafes and bars in the West Village and the art galleries in SoHo. The folks running those establishments have advised me they’ll offer special discounts to folks wearing Trump gear! So hop on down to Christopher Street, or peruse Chelsea and Hell’s Kitchen with your MAGA hats, and I guarantee you an experience you’ll never forget!
I hope this has been an informative guide, and on behalf of the entire city, we can’t wait to see you here! I wish you all the best on your visit.
