This is my first diary so be kind; I never thought I’d be doing this after all this time. I’m a gay man in my 70’s and have led an expansive and satisfying life. My partner and I have been together for 39 years, having just left Northern Appalachia to retire on the Olympic Peninsula. We’ve worked hard and played by the rules. I’ve had great mental health and haven’t suffered depression since college. But now I see disturbing signs that have shaken me of late.
This latest agenda against trans kids needs to stop. I’ve seen this before and the fallout will be just too much for most of us to bear. I loved school, I caught on quickly and loved to play with all my new friends. That all ended one day in 4th grade. My teacher announced to the class that I was going to be taking speech therapy the period before lunch every Thursday. Apparently that sibilant ‘S’ was getting on someone’s nerves. My parents weren't told as this was 1961 and permissions weren't always sought. Things went well, I thought. Lunchtime was a disaster. As soon as i sat down a 6th grader came over and told me “no queers here”. You’re taking lessons so you don’t sound queer.” I had no idea what he was talking about, but apparently a lot of the class was onboard.
Navigating the halls from class to locker to bus was not a given on any day. Mostly it was shoving and knocking my books out of my hands, shoved down sometimes. I didn’t know what was going on or why but it continued from then on. I knew there was something different about me, but couldn't figure it out. Think Plato’s Cave. Ok maybe I shouldn’t skip to school but I became more and more isolated. A pervading sense of doom became my default. I was the only kid treated like this. I still didn’t know why.
Mom always had the Enquirer in our home. In those days it was not political at all, mostly gory car crashes and train wrecks. I remember seeing Jayne Mansfield’s scalp on the car dashboard after that wreck. There was a story and I can recall the headline verbatim. “One Million Homosexuals in the UK”. I knew that this somehow concerned me. After looking up a few terms I knew this meant me! The shock of discovery was palpable. I wasn’t going to be a dad. I learned homosexuality was illegal like bank robbers. But the big take away for me was there were 1 million of them in the UK. I wasn’t alone. If i could navigate safely maybe I could get through this and meet a boy…….Sex was never any consideration, just someone who thought, felt like me. Overall i was heartened.
My situation at school only got worse in Jr. High. Bigger meaner kids and hitting was permitted and the steps were steeper. Jr. high was a 4 story building so I had to haul books for several classes at a time (no such thing as a book bag). I was often late getting to class after fetching my books from down the stairwell. It didn’t matter, I knew there were other kids like me. In the summer I could play with the Catholic kids cause they didn’t go to our school and i was just a neighbor kid…….I read a lot in between.
The first day of high school didn’t go well. I only weighed 100lbs and maybe 5 feet in height. The teacher though I belonged to St. Peters elementary across from the high school and sent me away. So from day I was in trouble. My mother brought me to school the next day. The beatings stopped in the 9th grade. I was concussed twice that year, the last, while unconscious, resulting in a sexual assault in the boys bathroom. I used the stall, just because, and suddenly I was pulled off the toilet hitting my head on the floor. A senior was stooped over me tea bagging me. Apparently a bigger kid, thought that was just too gross and kicked the guy in his crotch. This is one incident that got back to my folks, though nothing of the sexual assault was mentioned. I was forced to continually lie to my family and the few friends i had……
The one good thing to come of this is that teachers began to take notice……..every possibly harrowing episode was averted by an observant teacher that happened to be around. No more beatings, shoving after that. The guidance counselor suggested I join some clubs and a sense of normalcy returned after 5 harrowing years. It’s like they lost interest in me and still no queer kid in sight. In my junior year the counselor called me in and asked if she could call my mom, mortification! She wanted to nominate me to be an exchange student during the summer of 68. She said I didn’t have the best grades, but I was most curious student she had. She thought I would benefit greatly, but there would be expenses and wanted to know if my parents would be on board. I couldn’t believe that I would even be considered. I asked where, her answer London, the UK, land of 1 million homosexuals. This hillbilly was going to get a worldview.
Our study entailed comparative governments and was conducted at Kings College. We each had our own dorm room, I’d never had my own room…….London was as exciting as you could imagine. I saw Pete Townsend going into a club, all the crazy fashions on Carnaby St. The most shocking aspect of being in Europe in 1968 was how anti-war the rest of the world was…….a totally different perspective, that I soon adopted. Senior year was great, kids wanted to hear everything. I brought back a Hendrix album that no one was familiar with and a really cool fringe jacket. In history class I was asked to give a report…… it was the first time my classmates heard an anti-war speech. By the look on his face my teacher was shocked that this was coming from me, but not annoyed……….only some black kids were antiwar at our school. Every once in a while I’d hear someone call me queer, but I now had a comeback. “You promised not to tell about us”. Wow the kids started to mock HIM.
I knew what I was and I accepted my truth, but I didn’t have a sexual relationship for another 7 years. I busied myself with college, picking one that would greatly feed into my interest in politics. I was a freshman at Kent State, totally pissed off that the National Guard was on our campus…...that horrific massacre affected my politics forever. I was active during the riot and was identified as such. At least the FBI intake interview didn’t lead to an indictment (25 issued) but as scary as you could imagine. I thought about what a relationship would be like and we had a queer alliance on campus, but the were not political at all. A few years after moving to California to finish up school, I was sitting on the wall at the beach and this older guy started chatting me up, had no idea he was cruising me. He touched me, someone I actually wanted to touch me…..I touched him back……...the isolation, the sense of doom, the beatings and hassles were all worth that one moment. He had his own place a block from me. 1976 was my Summer of Love!
I want trans kids to know their truth but without the hassles i had to endure. Everyone is just looking for a connection to another human like themselves. They are not groomers, they want to be held and loved. Many have families that have abandoned them, mine never did, I had that at least. Every time I see Ron Desantis talk about trans kids and drag queens I shudder. If he can get past Trump he could capture the presidency and the Supreme Court doesn't seem to be in the business of saving democracy. When I read recently that the majority of Americans have a negative image of transgendered kids and procedures to help them, I know Desantis has a lane to run in……..We need to set up roadblocks at every opportunity. I hope, as a nation, we are more evolved that 1960’s Appalachia .
