Remember when nearly everyone thought Donald Trump was a risible clown who had as much business being president as Mayor McCheese—who, ironically, had considerably more government experience than Trump but was comprised of roughly 80% less cheeseburger? And then he incited that coup against the world’s preeminent democracy, and even Sen. Lindsey Graham—whose spine Trump had long since slurped up during a romantic tête-à-tête with Vladimir Putin, a la “Lady and the Tramp”—briefly got off the bandwagon.
Remember? Remember?!?
Yes, I know you remember, dear reader. I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to CNN.
Yes, CNN—the recently Fox-ifried cable news network that decided giving Trump, the shameless America-shivver, an upcoming town hall broadcast on which to freely spout his serial fabrications was a capital idea.
RELATED STORY: CNN tried to ignore Trump's coup attempt
Of course, there are thousands of reasons Trump should not only be a societal pariah, but a nonstarter as a presidential candidate as well. Literally thousands. The numerous rape and sexual assault accusations. His overweening fondness for despots and war criminals. His blasé approach to the deadly COVID-19 pandemic. His embarrassing tantrums. His clear disdain for NATO. His appalling dishonesty. His feral cruelty and gobsmacking venality. And much, much more. But there’s one reason that supersedes all others.
He plotted and incited a coup against the legitimate government of the United States! And, for the most part, he did it out in the open. What’s more, he continues to undermine our democracy with his barmy Big Lie—at every rally, in every knockoff tweet, and (are you listening CNN, because this concerns you) in every last interview.
What in the ever-living fuck are we doing? How is this guy still in the 2024 conversation? Or even at the margins of it?
I get that he brings in eyeballs. So does a raven building a nest near any Wagner Group army encampment. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to put this guy in front of a camera. Him—of all people. The same guy who literally tried to end America. Hello!
It’s not that we should stop talking about him. We need to keep him in the discussion for posterity’s sake—but that discussion should be strictly limited to the evil he’s done, and what it says about our ever-fragile republic that we let him do it for so long. But here’s something the Confederate statue-humpers among us never understood. It’s actually possible to remember our history without lionizing—or, perhaps even worse, normalizing—its greatest villains.
If Trump had done nothing immoral or corrupt during his four-year misrule other than incite a coup against the country he was supposed to be leading, we’d be having the same conversation right now. Because that is a fucking deal-breaker if there ever was one. Yes, the guy pretty much disqualified himself on the daily, but the capstone in his campaign to Jenga the fuck out of Western democracy was a meticulously plotted attempt—based on premeditated lies about the election results—to interrupt the peaceful transfer of power for the first time in our nation’s history.
Everyone saw it. Everyone sees it. What the fuck is your problem, CNN?
Jan. 6 was a watershed moment that should have slammed the door shut on the Trump era once and for all. But the guy has hung around for the past two-plus years like a Chernobyl reindeer farting on an elevator. Yes, we should remember him, but with our eyes collectively downcast as we reflect on this disgraceful, humiliating chapter in American history and take our first, diffident steps toward fully processing our shame. But instead, supposedly responsible news organizations are reanimating his zombie lies and putting them on lurid display.
It’s nothing less than a disgrace.
Sure, there’s still an opportunity for CNN to redeem itself, but its margin for error is thinner than prison gruel. The first, second, third, fourth, and 40th question posed to him during this befog and baloney show should be about his failed attempt to turn us into a banana republic led by a shambolic nitwit and weak-sauce strongman. (And while they’re at it they can ask what “unbelievable” things the investigators he sent to Hawaii to dig up information on President Obama’s birth certificate eventually found. He’s never explained that one, and hardly anyone in the media has bothered to follow up.)
If Trump doesn’t storm off the set within the first 10 minutes of the town hall or break down sobbing as he shits his pants in fear, this will have been a major fail on the part of CNN. Somehow, though, I suspect they’ll be “polite” and needlessly deferential to our unrepentant insurrectionist and wannabe democracy killer.
One small silver lining: Former CNN chief White House correspondent Kaitlan Collins is moderating the town hall. She’s a tough, smart reporter who doesn’t suffer fools gladly. And best of all, Trump hates her. She’ll no doubt push back against his lies—assuming she can be heard above the nonstop gonorrheal elk bugling. But Trump doesn’t need to be pushed back. He needs to be pushed off … both the town hall stage and the edge of our great nation. Any discussion of him needs to be couched in the harshest—and least forgiving—possible terms.
I know this is a cliche, but it’s really the best way to describe it: It’s like we’re in a “Twilight Zone” episode. Specifically the one where there’s a gremlin out on the wing tearing the plane apart and only one guy sees it. To be clear, Trump is the gremlin, you and I are William Shatner, and we’re surrounded by apathetic and/or clueless passengers popping complimentary nuts in their mouths as if the airliner isn’t in imminent danger of crashing into Mount St. Helens.
This should have been over a long, long time ago. The many legal entanglements Trump faces should be a coda to his political career, not hurdles for him to clear as he breezily pogos over Asa Hutchinson’s and Chris Christie’s already purpling corpses. When I saw King Charles in his brand-new Imperial Margarine hat early Saturday morning, I thought, “Oh, how quaint and silly. Why does anyone think this dude’s biologically unremarkable bloodline somehow makes him special?” Then my eyes turned to what’s happening in the colonies and this goofy anachronism somehow seemed more appealing. At least Brits’ myths about the power and prestige of their leaders aren’t as pernicious as ours have been lately.
CNN’s town hall shows us just how thoroughly our collective conscience has been ground into the dirt. What was unthinkable a few short years ago is now de rigueur in some GOP circles—and apparently among some members of the media. Which means much of the media will just keep encouraging him, as if his worst sin was being rude to Rosie O’Donnell on Twitter.
It’s a fucking disgrace, and we shouldn’t be afraid to call it that—repeatedly, if necessary—until all this blinkered media buffoonery stops.
RELATED STORY: Trump wrecks himself in E. Jean Carroll video deposition
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
