Following the “shocking” revelation that Donald Trump is basically just a low-rent mashup of Mata Hari and Mr. Magoo, Republicans are scrambling to find their moral compasses. Unfortunately, they left them behind during their endless debauched evenings in Trump’s sigmoid colon, and they can’t go back and look for them now. Dude’s radioactive, yo.
For the time being, most Republicans are condemning the Biden administration for what they see as a political prosecution—even though President Joe Biden had zero to do with Trump’s indictment and is likely as confused as the rest of us as to why anyone would put a chandelier in a bathroom. (I guess when you’re the biggest egomaniac in the history of the planet, grunting out two Quarter Pounders and a Space Jam Happy Meal toy amid a billowing nebula of rancid meat sweats automatically seems like a cotillion. But that’s neither here nor there.)
For now, though, Trump’s got bigger problems than regally irregular bowel movements. Some day, after Trump finally loses his long, courageous battle with being hit by a Central Park hansom cab while bending over to pick up a Ho-Ho, his family will likely rediscover their affections. But for now, the apple of his weird reverse-raccoon eye is keeping her distance.
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Page Six notes that while Melania Trump is standing by her manatee in the wake of her husband’s indictment over the mishandling of our nation’s most sensitive secrets, his daughter Ivanka, who’s already cashed out to the tune of $2 billion, is staying far away.
Trump is expected to appear in Miami on Tuesday to be booked on the latest charges against him, and he’s already inviting his orc horde to join the party, apparently assuming it will be a riot. But his daughter, currently a Miami resident, is reportedly unlikely to make the trip across town to support him.
Page Six:
Ivanka Trump who lives in Miami, meanwhile, “Will be staying far away from daddy,” says a source.
Another insider tells us, “Ivanka has disappeared.”
The former First Daughter has distanced herself from Trump during his latest White House campaign.
This of course tracks with her statement to the press following her dad’s April indictment in Manhattan on 34 felony counts. At the time, she wrote, “I love my father, and I love my country. Today, I am pained for both. I appreciate the voices across the political spectrum expressing support and concern.”
In other words, “Good luck, Daddy. Sure, we were happy to take $2B from Prince Bone Saws, but this shit is beyond the pale.”
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As Page Six reported in March, shortly before Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg announced Trump’s first post-presidential indictment, Ivanka and her third-favorite dildo are giving Daddy Dearest a wide berth.
“They want nothing to do with this,” a source told the outlet at the time. “They are staying away and don’t want to be hounded by reporters. I don’t think you will see them defending him, it will be no comment.”
The source also noted that Ivanka’s social circle has withered just because she helped push our country—which, unfortunately for her, happens to include Saks Fifth Avenue and Bridgehampton—to the brink of fascism: “Ivanka lost a lot of friends and her social scenes during his presidency. … They want to put it in the rearview. They want it behind them.”
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Yeah, we all want it behind us, Vanky. Unfortunately, that’s an easier lift for some than others. Your Saudi benefactors can always chopper you out of the country if things get too out of hand. Most of the rest of us are stuck here, in the pig-shit lagoon you helped create.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
