Late Night Snark: Mid-2008 Flashback
With the late-night shows on hiatus during the writers strike (Boooo, evil studio heads. Booooo!!!), C&J pries open the time capsule circa 15 years ago, when the Democratic primary was winding down, the economy was giving us the stinkeye, and the Bush II nightmare was sputtering its way to the dustbin of history. Here’s what was coming out of our flickering late-night screens...
"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the Bush presidency a total failure. Total failure. I don't know, I think he's done okay if you don't count Iraq, the economy, the environment, Afghanistan, the mortgage crisis. I think he's done all right... The deficit. Gas prices. Hurricane Katrina. Illegal wire tapping..."
"Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan has written a tell-all book, and it's full of inside information about how the public was misled prior to the invasion of Iraq. The title of the book: Stuff That Would Have Been Really Helpful Five Years Ago."
You are now below the fold. [Sigh] Folds were so much simpler 15 years ago.
"The economy here in the United States is in very bad shape, but President Bush isn't sweating it. Partly because he believes the bad news is being exaggerated and partly because he has the intellect of a Golden Retriever."
"In Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised to name David Hasselhoff as his vice president.”
"According to a new Pew Research Poll, since March the number of people who believe Obama is Muslim has increased by two percent. And strangely, the number who believe he's Jewish has gone from none to one percent. Wow—you play Tevye in one Congressional production of Fiddler on the Roof and you're typecast for life."
"The price of stamps is going up next week from 41 cents to 42 cents. 'Aw, that's cute,' said oil."
—Amy Poehler, SNL
And this classic:
"There is not—and I’m including the Nazis and the Klan in here—there is not a more hateful group in the country than these Daily Kos people."
—Disgraced Fox News host Bill O'Reilly
O’Reilly is gone. We’re still here. Jus’ sayin’.
And now, our feature presentation in the here and now...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 2, 2023
Note: Yikes—I just saw one of the ten lords a' leaping face-down in the gutter with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. The off-season can be brutal sometimes.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til summer: 19
Days 'til LA Pride: 7
Job openings in April, up from 9.7 million in March according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics: 10.1 million
Time it currently takes the average U.S. worker to equal what a CEO typically earned last year: 186 years
Current average amount Americans are paying for their weddings: $29,000
Average amount you'll pay for a wedding in New York City: $43,500
Amount of weight one human hair can support: 3 ounces
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
CHEERS to MAGA House Republicans. Wait, wait, wait—before you throw me from the window Putin-style, hear me out. The MAGA cultists actually got something right this week, and I’m afraid there’s simply no denying it. After the House voted on the debt ceiling bill Wednesday night, they posted the results, and even PolitiFact confirms their claims as TRUE:
Not only did they get their math right, but they tossed the victory exactly where it belongs: in Dark Brandon’s WIN column. Memo to the Smithsonian: laminate that accurate MAGA tweet and put it on exhibit. This is a first. Bud Light and Target coupons for everyone!
JEERS to the worst thief in the world. Sorry to bring up Hair Fuhrer on what's supposed to be a carefree Friday night, but we shirk our duty as American's #1 blogger historian at our peril. So we'll keep this short and sweet: some patriotic American taped Donald Trump bragging about a clearly classified national security document that he wanted to share with his country club cronies at his Bedminster resort. Two things: first, special investigator Jack Smith now knows beyond all doubt that Trump purposefully took and mishandled sensitive documents—just like a foreign spy would—when he was chased out of Washington D.C. in January 2021. And second…
MSNBC legal analyst Lisa Rubin says the alleged audio recording of Trump "reveals another new, significant fact: In summer 2021, Trump had at least one classified document with him at Bedminster. Trump lawyers told DOJ in December 2022 that a search of Bedminster by private investigators yielded no such records."
Rubin sums it all up: "That DOJ & the Special Counsel have apparently spoken to witnesses from Milley to Fitton and back suggests they have evidence regarding Trump's motives and state of mind in addition to his actual taped statements."
I hope Hillary brings him a picnic basket filled with hamberders after they Lock him up! Lock him up! in Leavenworth. And little ketchup packets to throw at his cell wall. After all, sharing is caring.
CHEERS to moments worth remembering. Fifteen years ago today, when he was but a 46-year-old lad:
"Our primary season has finally come to an end...Because of you, I can say that I will be the Democratic nominee for President of the United States of America.”
“America, this is our moment! This is our time!"
—Barack Obama, June 3, 2008
Fast forward. In two months the popular two-term 44th president turns 62, when his slogan will change to, “This is my moment, this is my time. To get up and pee. For the third time tonight!” Welcome to our world, pal.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to addictive additions. Thirty-eight years ago today, The R.J. Reynolds Company (motto: "If it's something you can inhale, we'll sell it at retail") proposed a major merger with Nabisco that would create a $4.9 billion conglomerate of food and tobacco products. Which probably explains why 37 years and nine months ago I had to resort to the nicotine patch to wean myself off a sudden addiction to Fig Newtons.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on TV this weekend, starting tonight with an MSNBC reality check by the always-compelling hosts on duty. I’ll be live-tweeting tonight’s Star Trek episode at 8 via the H&I Network (hashtag #allstartrek). Then you can catch a new edition of Whose Line Is It Anyway on the CW at 9. Or there’s always the dependable South Park and The Office marathons on Comedy Central.
The new movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL Stanley Cup finals schedule is here, the WNBA schedule is here, and the NBA finals schedule is here. Or you can catch The Memorial golf tournament live from Dublin, Ohio tomorrow and Sunday afternoon on NBC...and the 2022 Women’s College Softball World Series on ABC. Unfortunately, SNL and HBO’s Last Week Tonight remain on hiatus due to the writers strike.
Oh, and if you want to put President Biden’s recent fall into its proper perspective, watch America’s Funniest Home Videos Sunday night on ABC, where you’ll witness an endless series of montages featuring Americans of all ages falling from trees, roofs, boats, bikes, and porches...and tripping over dogs, cats, curbs, bags, boxes, stoops, and their own shoelaces mostly because, unlike Joe, they’re careless, thoughtless, and otherwise clueless.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: Rep. Mike Turner (The Cult-OH); Sen. Joni Ernst (The Cult-IA); ABC News’ Tom Soufi Burridge in Ukraine; Cultist candidate for president Vivek Ramaswamy.
Face the Nation: Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan; Sen. Joe Manchin (Joe Manchin-WV); Rep Garret Graves (The Cult-LA).
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD); Office of Management and Budget director Shalanda Young.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Gov. Kim Reynolds (The Cult-IA); Sen. Joe Manchin (Joe Manchin-WV).
Ten years ago in C&J: June 2, 2013
CHEERS to Frank Lautenberg. The late senator was one whom I didn’t know a whole lot about and didn't hear much in the way of fiery rhetoric or spotlight-hogging. But I always knew instinctively that he was a good guy and a smart guy and a hard-working guy. He was the proverbial “Dependable D." And although he accomplished a lot of things during his 29 years in the Senate, I give him a thousand gold stars for this:
A tobacco industry nemesis, Lautenberg helped write the law banning smoking on airline flights in 1987, during his first term in the Senate. He also helped write the law that expanded the ban two years later to almost all domestic flights and led efforts to ban smoking in federal buildings. Call it the zeal of the converted: Lautenberg was once a cigarette smoker himself, as was his mother.
He was 89. Condolences to his friends and family. Chris Christie is appointing his replacement. Try to curb your enthusiasm.
And just one more…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. As you all know by now, whenever the shit gets too deep here on the bluish-brown marble, I call NASA to see if Newt Gingrich has fulfilled his promise to colonize the moon yet. Sorry to say the answer is no, so we'll just have to spend our days and nights gazing yonward and dreaming. Here’s a peek, courtesy of NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, at June’s galactic highlights, including Mars entering the beehive and Virgo’s brightest lights:
Also: on the 14th you’ll get a brief glimpse of a Romulan vessel in the split second between the time it de-cloaks to vaporize your neighbor's tool shed and then re-cloaks. Have that smart-cam ready and prepare to go viral.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?