Happy Pride Month, everyone! This has been the one I’ve most engaged with for several reasons. It began with an act of economic justice. The Target boycott struck me as unfair and against a good company. Target has reliably had things we have needed. I don’t need to want everything in the store to recognize that they do a good job. Football is a dubious undertaking to me, but I don’t expect Target to stop selling football gear.
So, early in June I set off to break the boycott, with something for Pride if possible. And Target scored again! The great sandals at the top are not only pretty, they are the most comfortable sandals I’ve had for a couple of decades. A progress pride garden flag fits well in our front garden. A bunting with all the variety of flags now hangs from a dear friend’s porch. The pride napkins lend themselves to many occasions.
As I shopped though I came to feel that more was needed than just breaking the boycott. This year especially being a visible ally seemed important and I wanted if possible the pin that says, “Equal rights for me doesn’t mean fewer for you. It’s not pie.” I set off to see what else might be available.
Iowa City is the heart of the People’s Republic of Johnson County so I thought there should be an abundance of options. They were fewer than I thought: a sticker saying “Protect trans kids” (especially pertinent with the heinous work of our legislature this year), a rainbow “Love” magnet that turned out not to be durable, and a hand dyed slender silk scarf, a joy to wear in my hair. As I began wearing the sandals and scarf daily, a musing whether an ally should be so visible triggered an awareness: I am on the spectrum. This is not just my support for others, this is affirming part of who I am.
A number of years ago wandering around the internet to learn more, I came across AVEN, The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. There I became acquainted with the idea of demisexuality, not finding someone physically arousing unless you are already emotionally connected to them.
I confess my first reaction was, isn’t that most people? Apparently that is not most people. When I learned the concept and connected it to myself, I was many decades into a happy marriage so it made little practical difference. I rarely thought about it again.
This month, when Pride has been more salient to me, I have reflected on the ways demisexuality may have been part of my life. Perhaps this is why —
- my teen self was indifferent to make up, fashion, and the rest of the mating apparatus
- I didn’t have crushes on movie stars or famous athletes
- I was disinterested in dating except as a way to get to know people better.
- I had several marriage proposals out of the blue (evidently the young men had seen me in a way that I had not seen them).
- The many young men I encountered in my science studies were just people, not particularly guys.
This last led me to wonder whether in fact demisexuality might be more common among scientists. It would not be the first variation. I have aphantasia, the absence of a mind’s eye (though I have imaginative taste and proprioception). Aphantasia is present in ~2% of the general population but 20% of scientists. Might a more prevalent demisexuality explain some aspects of science culture?
You, dear readers, can help me answer this. It’s a longish poll, so please read the foils before choosing one. I have structured the poll with the scientist and demisexuality options first. The choices are binary, life is not — please pick the one closest for you. And if you care to share anything in the comments, insights and experiences are always welcome!