Talk about a two-tiered justice system. Despite Donald Trump’s bleating to the contrary, the Department of Justice has shown our 45th president (and first Russian White House asset) unusual deference, allowing him to remain at large for months after he launched an insurrection against the U.S. government and stole some of its most sensitive secrets.
Well, now that Trump’s hand has been caught in the cookie jar, one of his fellow (alleged!) lawbreakers is wondering why he’s getting special treatment. Is it just because he’s an ex-White House occupant, or is the government just worried that he’ll reveal Cracker Barrel is an elaborate CIA op to determine how much abuse the human body can take before spontaneously sluicing down a storm drain?
We just don’t know, but lawyers for Massachusetts Air National Guardsman Jack Teixeira, who’s currently in jail awaiting trial for allegedly posting classified information to his friends on social media, are asking similar questions.
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Teixeira’s lawyers argued in a new filing on Monday that a judge should reverse a decision to keep Teixeira detained, pointing to several other criminal defendants who were released while awaiting trial, including Trump and his co-defendant Walt Nauta.
“The speculation that Mr. Teixeira is a flight risk by virtue of what he knows is squarely undermined by the government’s reasoned decision not to seek pretrial detention in other espionage cases, including most recently for either former President Donald Trump or his personal aide, Waltine Nauta, both charged with, among other things, mishandling classified national security information and conspiracy to obstruct justice,” Teixeira’s lawyers wrote.
Of course, we all know that if Trump hadn’t somehow convinced 74 million of our fellow citizens to vote for a venal pond of protoplasm in the 2020 election, he’d be in a hole with a black bag over his head giving up every single one of his Russian contacts in exchange for a Fudgie the Whale cake and half a can of Aqua Net. And Teixeira’s attorneys have clearly noticed the difference between the government’s approach toward Trump’s case and its more hardline stance toward their client.
“The government—without any suggestion that the information known to them could make them a serious risk of flight—determined that their retained knowledge did not pose a serious risk of flight and advocated for [Trump’s and Nauta’s] release on personal recognizance and without restriction,” Teixeira’s lawyers wrote. They added that Trump and Nauta “possess extraordinary means to flee the United States. … Yet, the risk of flight posed by their knowledge of national security information, and their abnormal ability to flee, didn’t even result in a request that either surrender their passport.”
This raises the obvious question: Trump is a legitimate flight risk, so why isn’t he in jail? And even more to the point, what the fuck is he waiting for? Flee already! Russia is doing amazing things with beets these days. I hear they recently started adding salt. Just go! It’s a modern-(ish) country with hundreds of thousands of women who look more or less like Ivanka. Also, we hear the drive to Crimea is beautiful this time of year.
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Get. The. Fuck. Out.
Of course, as the CNN story makes clear, there’s a key difference between Trump’s and Teixeira’s respective cases.
The 21-year-old had a net worth of less than $20,000 before his arrest and, if convicted, could lose much of his ability to be employed – making him an attractive target to foreign adversaries who may want to recruit him.
Because Trump is (allegedly but almost certainly not actually) worth 10 billion dollars, he’s presumably less likely to be recruited by a foreign adversary trolling for U.S. secrets. He’s also less likely to be recruited as a foreign asset because that would be fucking redundant, wouldn’t it? He’s long been claimed.
Meanwhile, Trump is arguably the most recognizable human on the planet. And since Loompaland isn’t a real place, he’d stick out like a sore thumb pretty much anywhere he went.
But that doesn’t mean Trump still couldn’t up and leave whenever he wanted to. (Hint, hint.)
Of course, Teixeira allegedly shared reams of classified information on a Discord channel, likely compromising national security in untold ways. Then again, an October 2021 New York Times report revealed that a “troubling” number of CIA informants had been captured or killed after Trump turned Mar-a-Lago into a public classified secrets library, complete with a specially curated Donny’s Picks display in his office. So who really knows which leak was more damaging to our country?
So sure, let Teixeira roam free. It’s only fair, right? After all, it’s not likely he’ll blurt out classified information during a campaign rally, Fox News interview, or sex with a Soviet-era Russian fembot.
Unlike some people we could mention.
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Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.