Last week I asked my wife if she wanted to try an eight mile hike on the weekend, I had a spot in mind. She said yes. It was about and hour out of Portland near a pair of rural communities. I’ve been on this trail many times. Other than the bear and cougar warnings at the trailhead it’s always seems very safe. It’s a busy hike on weekends.
About 30 minutes into the trip my wife said “wow, this is really out in the sticks”. A few minutes later she asked who I thought lived out in the area. After clarifying what she meant I laughed and said “this is MAGA country”. I regret my flippant response now.
She became quiet the rest of the drive. It was palpably awkward in the car. I asked her what was wrong but as usual when ask if something is bothering her she said “nothing”. I didn’t push despite the obvious tension.
I can be pretty self centered in times like this. As such I went through the mental gymnastics of trying to figure out what I’d done. Unsurprisingly I couldn’t figure out my offense.
Once at the trailhead her body language was tense and uncomfortable. I asked if she didn’t want to hike, she did want to. I finally told her I knew something was wrong and insisted she tell me. I simply could not take the tension. Quiet brooding is not what an eight mile hike in the woods is for. Just the opposite. I didn’t want to hike if that was the vibe.
With some hesitation she told me she didn’t feel welcome in rural America and that she is afraid of the racism she encounters when out there. She said that if she’d known the destination she would not have come. She suggested future hikes be in the city.
My wife is mixed race, Asian/ European, though people mistake her for Latina on occasion. She works in Spain often and say the locals assume she’s Spanish. Her family are immigrants and refugees. She was born here, at Good Samaritan Hospital in NW Portland. She’s American through and through. Except she doesn’t look like me. And having been raised by Asian women she has some distinctly different cultural cues from me. I often miss that in day to day life. She’s just my American wife. I almost never think she’s a different ethnicity then me. I don’t see her color. But it’s there.
Bigots see it immediately, but I suspect they are looking for it. And I have on occasion seen overt racism directed at her. It’s usually subtle and out of my sight but sometimes people are just plain awful. Visiting Monticello a few years ago a volunteer in the gift shop refused to wait on my wife. She waive the people behind my wife to the counter. Eventually my wife walked up and said she believed she was next. The woman ignored her, made no eye contact and waived the next person forward. It was surreal. Seemingly she was completely invisible to this woman. I was screaming mad. I was gonna go full Karen. My wife quietly told me to drop it saying it wasn’t my fight. It sure felt like it was but I respected her wishes. It isn’t my fight.
After getting all our gear together we headed out walking. The first people we encountered were an Asian couple. I pointed out that they looked comfortable on the trail. Oops, should have kept my mouth shut. Or maybe not because it was at that point my wife opened up.
To be clear… we experienced no racism on this trip but that is well besides the point. We did change our plans and didn’t eat in the small town close to our hike because my wife was uncomfortable being there.
I’ll try and sum up what she said, I doubt I could get all the details correct but I’ll get the broad strokes. She’s always been apprehensive in rural areas but ever since the 2017 election overt racism has gotten worse and her comfort level has decreased. Trucks and especially ones with American flags trigger her anxiety. She feels unwelcome and unwanted in rural America. She’s afraid someone will do her harm. She walks behind me in those settings so as to appear deferential to me. (Trust me, she is no such thing). She has no interest in camping, visiting parks, going RVing, hiking or being anywhere outside of cities. I’m still trying to process this. A whole lot of what I thought retirement might look like is off the table if I want to do it with her, and I do.
I’ve always known that American bigotry is a big problem. I grew up in the south where people wear it on their sleeves. I know racism, especially racism directed at Asians, has gotten worse, or at least more visible, in the last several years. I have known it effected my wife. None of this has been lost on me. But the extent to which it impacts her life, her decisions and her emotions has never fully hit home for me until this weekend. I’ve been processing it the last few days. I’m glad to be viscerally experiencing the true impact. I do want to know, to really know, anything that is this heavy for any family or friend, especially my wife. I think I’m beginning to fully appreciate this.
We made it 7.5 miles. It was an out and back and we were both done before the 4 mile mark.
We have two daughters, 17 and 21. Both are queer, how they describe themselves. That might just be another post one day though I hope not.
This is my first diary (I think that’s what we call these) Go easy on me please (-:
Happy 4th people. Ain’t America great?
Not all racism is overt
