Let the Indoctrination Begin
Jesus, Trump, and censorship. Via the Lincoln Project, a new school year begins...
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And then when the final bell rings, it’s off to the meat packing plant to get that equipment good ‘n shiny. Have fun, kids.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 24, 2023
Note: A quick heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday. In its place will be an image of Ron DeSantis doing something never before attempted by a human being with a pineapple. Parental discretion is advised. Back Tuesday to help pick jaws up off the floor.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next full Blue Moon: 6
Days 'til the Around the World Cultural Food Festival in Alexandria, Virginia: 2
Median price of a home sold in July, an increase of 1.9% from July of last year: $406,700
Years since the value of the Chinese Yuan has been as low as it is now: 16
Percent chance that China's fertility rate, at 1.09 (births per woman's lifetime) has now fallen below Japan's notoriously low rate: 100%
Number of states (MT, ID, OR, NV) that broke rainfall records during tropical storm Hilary: 4
Year during which Nevada's previous rainfall record was set: 1906
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Afghanistan is to nation-building what Afghanistan is to war—pretty much the last place on earth you'd choose, if you had any choice at all.
I point this out not to oppose the idea, about which I think we have no choice, but to underline that the task is hard, long and incredibly complicated. […] While some of us search for the answer to the question, "Why do they hate us?" the voices on radio talk shows are answering, "Who cares? Nuke 'em." Those inclined to think that's not a bad plan might keep in mind the already-classic lead by Barry Bearak of The New York Times: "If there are Americans clamoring to bomb Afghanistan back to the Stone Age, they ought to know that this nation does not have far to go. This is a post-apocalyptic place of felled cities, parched land and downtrodden people."
—October 2001
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Cleared for takeoff…
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CHEERS to today's Kodak moment. If what I read in the papers is true, today is the day the 45th president of the United States makes history. Today Donald J. Trump surrenders like a dog to law enforcement authorities in Georgia, where he will be cuffed, booked, fingerprinted, mug-shotted, hosed down, fed a complimentary bowl of gruel, taken out to work on a chain gang for a few hours, then return to bang out some license plates, and finally be sent on his merry way back to the bleach fumes that are so dear to him at his sex palace in Bedminster, New Jersey. Here's a mug shot placeholder we found:
According to sources, the Fulton County Jail's cockroaches have pre-filed a complaint about the sudden influx of vermin at the facility, and will be toting signs reading PRISON REFORM NOW. If it's any help, I'll sign your petition, li'l buddies.
CHEERS to famous firsts. A little history was made in Minnesota this week when Governor Tim Walz (I know him! Look at me, I'm name dropping! Tim and I, we go way back!) appointed a new chief justice of the state Supreme Court. The MAGA cult will not be pleased because the color of her skin is woke:
Gov. Tim Walz on Wednesday promoted Natalie Hudson to be chief justice of the Minnesota Supreme Court, making her the first Black person to lead it. […]
“Justice Hudson is one of our state’s most experienced jurists. She has a strong reputation as a leader and consensus builder,” Walz said in a statement. “I am confident that she will advance a vision that promotes fairness and upholds the dignity of all Minnesotans.” […]
Hudson started her legal career in 1982 as a staff attorney for Southern Minnesota Regional Legal Services, where she represented low-income clients dealing with housing issues.
To help her put up with jerky lawyers and dimwitted litigants, she'll receive the customary gavel with a teeny flask hidden inside.
DERP! to the Rumble in the Badger State Jungle. I'm writing this summary of the August 23 Fox News GOP primary debate in Milwaukee on May 25 so I can enjoy my summer in peace. But I'm not in the mood to think about the 2024 election three months before I get to grumble again about how I'm not in the mood to think about the 2024 presidential election 15 months before the damn thing happens. So I raided my archives circa 2011 and found my notes from that year’s Fox debate. I'm sure nothing has changed:
» Social Security is a Ponzi scheme.
» [Insert number here]-point plans were big, but specifics attached to them were not.
» Any sentence containing a positive reference to the death penalty is a surefire applause line. "I love cheeseburgers with BBQ sauce, bacon and the death penalty." [Rah!!!]
» Climate change is not supported by science. It's a myth, a hoax and/or a liberal plot to bring socialism to the galaxy.
» Herman Cain's "9-9-9" plan is going to be the miracle cure for America's ills!
» Last night's villains were, in order: illegal immigrants, Planned Parenthood, the Democratic (“Demon Rat”) president, Iran, Hillary Clinton, and George Soros.
» Our drinking game: we took a swig every time someone said "failed policies of the past," and a shot every time someone calls for dismantling a government program or agency.
All completely accurate even in 2023, with one exception: Donald Trump murdered Herman Cain in broad daylight with Covid-19 at a rally in Oklahoma in 2020 because he knew Cain was his one true threat. Of course if you ask Trump's spokesman Stephen Miller if that really happened, he'll of course say: "Nein! Nein! Nein!"
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to death sticks. 66 years ago this week, in 1957, the Soviet Union announced it had successfully tested an intercontinental ballistic missile. It got a B in reading, an A in math and, oddly enough, a C- in rocket science.
CHEERS to sticking the landing. All of India is one big Bollywood dance number today after the nation's space program successfully landed its lander on the surface of the moon after a pleasant 239,000-mile journey:
The mission could cement India’s status as a global superpower in space. Previously, only the United States, China and the former Soviet Union have completed soft landings on the lunar surface.
Chandrayaan-3’s landing site is also closer to the moon’s south pole than any other spacecraft in history has ventured. The south pole region is considered an area of key scientific and strategic interest for spacefaring nations, as scientists believe the region to be home to water ice deposits. […]
The lander, called Vikram, completed the precision maneuvers required to make a soft touchdown on the lunar surface after it was ejected from the propulsion module. Tucked inside is Pragyan, a small, six-wheeled rover that will deploy from the lander by rolling down a ramp.
India becomes the fourth nation to land a spacecraft on the moon. And I think we all know what that means is coming to your TV screen in the near-future: BattleBots: Lunar Edition.
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 24, 2013
JEERS to getting history wrong. Today's boring correction goes out to The Daily Beast, which claims that neocon hack and former U.S. Hater to the U.N. John Bolton would be the first Republican presidential candidate—if he and his mustache run—to support same-sex marriage. Not true. In 2012 Fred Karger ran on the Republican ticket (he actually polled well in New Hampshire but was shut out of every debate despite qualifying for them) and, well, I'll let him clear up the Daily Beast's mess:
"I will work hard to end to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, pass the federal Employment Anti-Discrimination law (ENDA), eliminate the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), make Gay Marriage the law of the land and make finding a cure for HIV / AIDS and a vaccine to prevent HIV a new national priority."
Plus: Karger is himself gay—the first gay candidate to run for president from either party. We're sure the Daily Beast doesn’t regret the error and will continue to make more in the future.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the Spud Stud. On August 24, 1853, chef George “Crum” Speck made the first potato chips—originally called Saratoga Chips—after a fussy customer (Commodore Cornelius Vanderbilt) complained that his potatoes weren't sliced thin enough. So the chef sliced 'em thinner-than-thin out of frustration and the rest, as they say, is BBQ, Salt & Vinegar, Ruffled, Kettle-cooked, sometimes-even-packed-in-tennis-ball-canisters history.
Here in the BiPM household, I'm not sure we've ever actually thrown out an old bag of chips. When one gets down to about an inch of crumbs, we just go buy a new bag and leave the old one in the cupboard, making a "mental note" to "finish off that old bag before starting in on the new one." Never happens. And now we have chip bags dating back to the Nixon years gathering dust and lord-knows-what else. The potato DNA is probably congealing into a super potato brain that will fashion a crude body out of the potato bags and begin a rampage that flattens several cities before it's finally brought down by a giant glop of French onion dip dropped from a helicopter. And when that day comes, I trust someone will remember to update George Crum's Wikipedia page accordingly.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
No matter the temperature outside, it is always important to stay hydrated. Drinking Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool water does not only cool you down, but it also has many other health benefits, such as regulating bowel movements, boosting athletic performance and protecting your body's vital tissues and organs.
—USA Today
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