Headlines You Won’t Read Today
Trump Goes 24 Hrs Without Incriminating Himself
Twitter Turns Profit
Special Counsel Jack Smith Goes On Ketchup-slinging Tirade
Putin Outsmarts Zelenskyy
Justice Thomas Pays For Something With Own Money
Truth Makes It Halfway Around the World Before Lie Can Get Its Pants On
Speaker McCarthy Praised for Competence
President Fleeces Taxpayers via Biden Resort Golf Cart Rental Fees
Democratic Candidate Calls for “Slitting Throats” of Fed Employees
Majority of Americans Agree: Summer Going By Too Slowly
No Conservative Youth Pastors to Be Arrested Today for Pedophilia
Josh Hawley Runs Toward Danger!
Planet Earth to Humanity: I’ll Miss You When You’re Gone
You are up to date on what isn’t happening. And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, August 7, 2023
Note: Thank you for all the birthday wishes Saturday (and in C&J on Friday). I particularly enjoyed the Garfield socks President Biden sent to me in the envelope marked "Return to Sender," which is wild because that's what I sent him! Great minds think alike, they say. So true.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Ohio special election to decide if it should now take 60 percent of the vote to pass a citizens referendum instead of 50 percent: 1
Days 'til the Seymour Burger Fest in Wisconsin: 5
Portion of the country that believes the new charges against the 45th president are serious, according to a new ABC News-Ipsos poll: 2/3
Percent of the vote that ousted (by Republicans for protesting gun violence) Tennessee state Reps. Justin Jones and Justin Pearson received during last week's elections to reinstate them: 78%, 94%
FCC fine against Roy Melvin Cox Jr. and Aaron Michael Jones, who ran a worldwide robocall operation (over 5 billion calls made) that was responsible for all those extended-warranty scams: $300 million
Estimated reduction in warranty-related robocalls since they got busted: 99%
Shelf life of a fast-food ketchup packet: 6 months
Puppy Pic of the Day: No surprise, really…
CHEERS to a whole lotta workin' goin' on. New jobs numbers out last Friday from the Bureau of Working Stiffs, and Bidenomics appears to be chugging right along. Top line: 187,000 new jobs, adding to the evidence that Bidenomics is good for the nation. Bill McBride at Calculated Risk adds:
[L]eisure and hospitality has now added back about 96% all of the jobs lost in March and April 2020. Construction employment increased 19 thousand and is now 363 thousand above the pre-pandemic level. Manufacturing employment decreased 2 thousand jobs and is now 200 thousand above the pre-pandemic level.
In July, the year-over-year employment change was 3.36 million jobs. … Job growth has slowed to a somewhat more normal pace, up at a 2.7 million annual rate over the last 6 months. Overall, this was another solid employment report.
The "Official" unemployment rate stands at 3.5 percent. Worth noting that the professionals who are hired to predict jobs reports were off by 13,000 for July, and a combined 49,000 for May and June. Amazingly, they still have their jobs.
CHEERS to off-year blue waves. There's a significant election in Ohio tomorrow—a weird legislature-fueled ballot question on whether or not to raise the threshold for passing citizen-fueled ballot questions from 50 percent to 60 percent. (Translation: it's a clumsy attempt by the MAGA cult to make it harder for next fall's ballot question on abortion rights to pass.) You might think that a mid-August single-issue election would be a yawner. But as of Friday night election officials were scrambling because of…
…off-the-charts early turnout before Tuesday’s final day of voting.
Early turnout has been so heavy that some election offices are straining to manage the load and trying to recruit additional poll workers. “This is gubernatorial-level turnout,” said Regine Johnson, deputy director of the board of elections in Stark County. As of Thursday, the board was about 100 volunteers short of the number it targeted as the minimum to be fully staffed. […]
[D]ata from L2, a political firm that tracks early in-person and mail voting, indicates that Democratic-leaning voters are turning out in higher numbers than Republican-leaning ones.
If this referendum goes down, the pro-abortion question in November will almost certainly pass. So make sure you get out and vote, Republicans. On Wednesday.
JEERS to America the Gullible. Fool us once: On August 7, 1964, Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution, giving President Johnson a big fat stick to wield while dealing with reported North Vietnamese attacks on U.S. forces. It was all crap—the attacks never happened but we bought it anyway. Fool us twice: four decades later George W. Bush did virtually the same thing by ginning up bullshit documents and other phony evidence to concoct a bogus case for invading Iraq, but we (well, not we we but they we) bought it anyway. Lesson learned: our wars need to come with a stronger refund policy.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to honoring our casualties. On August 7, 1782, George Washington created the Purple Heart, a decoration bestowing honor on soldiers wounded during their service to our country. The recipient, said Washington, "has given of his blood in the defense of his homeland and shall forever be revered by his fellow countrymen." It only took Republicans 222 years to dishonor, tarnish and abuse it at the 2004 Republican convention as a way to mock John Kerry's own Purple Hearts (and another 13 for trump to carry on the tradition):
John Kerry eventually became our globe-trottiest Secretary of State—the most distinguished member of the president's cabinet who, among other things, achieved the impossible by successfully negotiating a multi-nation nuclear-limitation agreement with Iran. The pre-tea party teabaggers who so callously wore those Purple Heart band-aids, if they’re not pushing up daisies by now, are walking billboards for Absorbine Jr and Life Alert bracelets. Sorry…no medals for wounds sustained while engaging in combat with your prostate at 3am, Gramps.
JEERS to rocks (as in, dumb as…) In case you missed it last week, two idiots in the orbit of the former president now under indictment in two federal cases proved that the plaintiff was as bad at appointing judges as he is at hiring lawyers. Behold the very fine brain behind these idiots:
The Judge Via Reuters: The judge in former U.S. President Donald Trump's upcoming trial over his handling of classified documents made two errors in a June trial, including one that potentially violated the defendant's constitutional rights and could have invalidated the proceedings, according to legal experts and a court transcript. … [S]aid Stephen Smith, a professor at the Santa Clara School of Law in California: "She ignored the public trial right entirely. It's as though she didn't know it existed."
The Lawyer During an appearance on Fox News, Trump attorney John Lauro admitted that his client was in on the fake-electors scheme as outlined in special counsel Jack Smith's indictment. As Lawrence O'Donnell put it later that night: “That is a Trump criminal defense lawyer quoting Donald Trump committing a crime.”
In the words of an orange spray-on tanned moron: "I hire only the very best people, believe me…" I have to admit, my confidence in that assertion is starting to waver.
Ten years ago in C&J: August 7, 2013
CHEERS to barnstorming by the border. Fresh off his 52nd birthday, President Obama will risk another finger-wagging by Arizona Governor Jan Brewer as he takes his Traveling Caravan of Economic Magic down south and west a bit:
Obama chose Phoenix—the epicenter of the U.S. housing bust that wiped out $7 trillion in homeowner equity—to make the next speech in his ongoing summer road tour in which he has been spotlighting the progress the U.S. economy has made under his watch, while hammering Republicans for not working with him to help bolster a still lackluster economy. … Obama will follow up his housing speech on Wednesday with an online interview on the real estate website Zillow where he will expand on his ideas for keeping the housing market on a winning streak.
Among the ideas for a stronger housing market: don’t let Republicans anywhere near the housing market.
And just one more…
CHEERS to another year for one cool little dune buggy. (Literally—the high temp on Mars recently has been around -5 F.) Happy Landingversary to the Mars rover Curiosity, which has been ambling over the red planet's hills and dales for eleven years as of this week. You might think its age would have it resting on its weary treaded laurels, but in fact its been accomplishing its toughest mission to date: finding a way through rocks and craters to become king of the hill:
See pics and other goodies here. One day, long after we're gone, a rover from some distant galaxy will land here and probe our own history of Earth's changing environmental conditions and conclude that intelligent life never could've lived here. But they'll deem the horny hairless dumbshit parasites with opposable thumbs who walked on two legs and destroyed their own civilization "fascinating."
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Bill in Portland Maine does give the appearance of being completely out of his mind.”