Hand Over Your Heart Time
Among my private papers destined for display in the Bill in Portland Maine Library and Janitor’s Closet is a ragged piece of construction paper on which is scrawled my attempt at age 7 (circa 1972) to write out the words to our National Anthem—a poem written on a warship, Senator Tommy Tuberville (MAGA-AL) will be very inconvenienced to learn. It's virtually illegible today, so I've transcribed it below to mark the 209th anniversary of the day Francis Scott Key wrote it. (Please hold your applause—he was all goo goo for slavery, a viewpoint he was happy to write into his Banner.) Please stand, sit, go down on one knee, raise your fist, or just wing it, and join me in our annual tradition of singing the, um…
Star Bangled Baner
Oh say can you see by the dons early light
What so proudleeree haild at the twilited flashed gleaming.
Were galenntlee sareeming.
And the rockets gleenly of bombs bursting in air
Came our thru our thru the fight that are flag was still there
O say gotslan stare spangled banner ye whenne
Forb the land of the free and the home of the brave.
The saddest thing about this: at age 7 I knew the words better than the previous President of the United States does at 77. (Same with the Pledge of Allegiance.)
And now, our feature presentation…
-
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, September 14, 2023
Note: As a courtesy for being a faithful C&J reader, while you were sleeping I replaced the toxic windshield-washer fluid in your car with environmentally-friendly used cooking grease. Together, we can make a difference. —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til election day 2023: 54
Days 'til the Boston Local Food Festival: 3
Ages for which the CDC recommends getting the updated Covid-19 vaccine: 6 months and up
Percent of America's cotton-producing areas currently experiencing drought conditions: 40%
Prison sentence for Karl Greenwood, co-founder of the fraudulent OneCoin cryptocurrency: 20 years
Amount Smuckers is paying to buy the Hostess snack company, makers of the national treasure Hostess Twinkies: $5.6 billion
Year by which McDonald's is getting rid of its self-serve soda machines: 2032
-
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
To oversimplify, those who are getting their information from the Internet and/or a broad range of publications are having conversations with one another that are radically different from those heard on many radio talk shows.
This is more than the simplistic jingoism that is a constant in American life; this is simplistic jingoism with a dangerously short attention span. The "let's nuke 'em" crowd is still looking for a short, simple solution, and there just isn't one. ...
While some of us are talking about how to build a civil society, achieve energy independence and settle long-standing international disputes, others are reacting like the waitress in an Austin drinking establishment, who refused to serve the East Indian guest of a regular patron, repeatedly calling him a terrorist and insisting that he leave. That's the reaction gap that concerns me.
—October, 2001
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: You can practically smell the puppy breath…
-
CHEERS to minor technicalities. It's September 14th, and America continues its democracy death spiral thanks to a right-wing cult in red baseball caps that prefers their government to be a little more Nazi-ish. Their latest attempt to sow chaos comes from the House of Representatives, where Speaker Kevin McCarthy says he's unilaterally, without a floor vote, opening an "impeachment inquiry" against President Biden. The date: TBA. The committee members: TBA. The charges: TBA. The depth of McCarthy's stupidity: hot off the griddle…
In January 2020, the Donald Trump-led Justice Department formally declared that impeachment inquiries by the House are invalid unless the chamber takes formal votes to authorize them.
That opinion—issued by the Justice Department’s Office of Legal Counsel—came in response to then-House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s decision to launch an impeachment inquiry into Trump without initially holding a vote for it. Not only is it still on the books, it is binding on the current administration as it responds to Tuesday’s announcement by Speaker Kevin McCarthy to authorize an impeachment inquiry into Biden, again without a vote.
McCarthy's boxed in. If he forces a vote, his MAGA cultist colleagues will kick him out of the speakership. If he doesn’t take a vote, he'll run afoul of……… Oh. Right. Merrick Garland—the guy so hesitant to do anything for himself that he makes Jack Smith pick out his clothes and make love to his wife. So, anyway. America continues its democracy death spiral, and y'all have a nice day now, hear?
JEERS to the American people. You fools. You careless rubes. You bulbaceous spork-o-trons. You…oh, let's just say it: you America-hating Americans, all 332 million of you. Thanks to your complete and willful inability to carefully grasp and balance on a knife's edge the micro- and macro-economic subtleties of supply and demand as clearly outlined in the Ph.D.-level textbooks you were supposed to have memorized when you were pursuing your advanced degrees before you ended up selling steel-belted radials down at the tire store next to the mini-mart, you have once again turned America's mighty engine of capitalistic superiority into a fetid mound of stale, crusty pudding:
Prices for U.S. consumers grew 3.7% in August compared to a year ago as gasoline prices spiked, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
Inflation was about equal to expert projections, and prices rose at a faster pace than the previous month. On a month-over-month basis, the inflation rate rose by 0.6%, compared to 0.2% in July.
Economists had expected the data to show a 3.6% overall increase in inflation compared to a year ago. Annual inflation has now ticked up two months in a row after 12 consecutive months of decline.
May God have mercy on your souls.
JEERS to getting Second Amendmented. On September 14, 1901, our 25th president, William McKinley, died from an assassin’s bullet at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York. Several years back, Ohioans and conservatives in the other several states went nuts when President Obama granted native Alaskans their wish to revert Mount McKinley back to its original name: Denali. A popular question asked by proponents of the move was, "What did McKinley do that was so great he warranted his own iconic mountain?" I had to think for a bit, but I managed to come up with one: he picked a helluva vice president.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to Passion of the Pigskin. On this date in 1920, the National Football League was formed in Canton, Ohio. Nearly a decade ago, a study concluded that even with advances in safety equipment, you have a twenty-five percent chance of developing a serious brain injury if you're a player in the NFL. Even worse, we hear that, if you’re Marjorie Taylor Greene, that number jumps to one hundred percent.
JEERS to the looming hurricapocalypse. Hurricane Lee is barreling up the Atlantic, it's menacing eye darting above and below the waves like a giant squid hellbent on destroying my life forever. As a master meteorologist and full-time consultant to both The Weather Channel and Al Roker, I can say with 100 percent certainty that Lee will be rapidly strengthening as it moves through the Gulf of Maine. The cold ocean water will intensify it, strengthening it to the first-ever Cat-6 by the time it makes landfall. It's absolutely time to freak out. This WILL be like a Gulf Coast landfall. Utter destruction WILL occur, so the worst case scenario is ON the table. But if you must have a second opinion, here's our local TV meteorologist's assessment, keeping in mind that his accuracy rate is a piddly 97.8 percent:
It's important to note that Lee will be rapidly weakening as it moves through the Gulf of Maine. The cold ocean water will zap it, weakening it to a Nor'easter type storm by the time it makes landfall.
I say this so people don't freak out. This will NOT be like a Gulf Coast landfall. Utter destruction will NOT occur, so the worst case scenario is OFF the table.
So my advice to anyone on our street is: sell all your possessions, remove your clothes, and immediately purchase a sturdy steamroller with an enclosed cab and start making your escape now while you still have time. Oh, and instead of moving west, chart a route that takes you north into Canada. We hear people in New Hampshire are a little [circles ear with finger].
-
Ten years ago in C&J: September 14, 2013
CHEERS to a way forward. I'm thinking that maybe I can let out a tentative sigh of relief, thanks to President Obama's address to the nation that kinda sorta spelled out a possible solution to punishing Syria's leadership for using WMDs on its own citizens, while also theoretically making the world a safer place overall. It partially makes sense, partially doesn't make sense, but in the end I sorta see what Obama's trying to do, so I think I actually endorse his plan on a provisional basis unless new information comes in that might cause me to reconsider my position. And that's final.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to Minnesota Fat’s wildest dream. We haven’t posted anything by the mischievous duo known as The Slow Mo Guys lately, so let’s rectify that now. These two helped save my sanity a lifetime ago during the pandemic lockdown, as they take whatever they can find to put in motion and slow it down to an insane degree. Here they are shooting some pool with a cannon-fired cue ball going 400 miles per hour. Rack ‘n roll...
-
If they ever challenge you to a “friendly game,” I suggest you take a hard pass.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Making Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool water is actually fairly straightforward and you can make it at home. Soak one cup of raw, unsalted candy corn overnight. Drain and rinse before adding to a blender or food processor with three cups of Bacardi 151. Whip until finely ground. “From there, the liquid is strained using a cheesecloth bag and then flavored as desired with vanilla, a pinch of salt, and/or sweeteners,” says Kat Benson, a registered dietitian with Top Nutrition Coaching.
—USA Today
-