Everything I Learned About Life I Learned From The Current House Majority
» Think outside the box. Specifically, the box where you keep your morals.
» Overpromise. Underdeliver.
» Criticism of the president stops at the water's edge unless that criticism involves Ukraine, Israel, Iran, Russia, or any other place on earth.
» An ounce of ethics is worth a pound of dirt.
Continued..
» There's only one way to acknowledge the less fortunate in our society: reluctantly, if at all.
» To avoid injury, keep your knees springy when teeing off.
» Strong, uncompromising regulation is very important to maintain a properly-functioning democratic society, and penalties should include jail time for lawbreakers.
(Note: the above applies only to regulation of the female reproductive system. Otherwise, strong, uncompromising de-regulation is very important to maintain a properly-functioning democratic society.)
» Keep your government hands off my regular government salary increase.
» When in doubt, cut the mic and adjourn the meeting.
» Remember the key to good sportsmanship: moving your opponent's goalpost back anytime they get close to it.
» Aid for rural folks who have fallen on tough times is helping real Americans pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Aid for urban folks who have fallen on tough times is encouraging inner-city moochers.
» The best part of life is recess, so spend as much time in it as possible.
And above all: Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie. You are officially edumacated. And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, September 26, 2023
Note: A reminder that the life of a refrigerated cheesecake is five days, after which it must be given a Viking funeral and gently pushed out to sea aboard a pontoon-based funeral pyre. The more you know…
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next full "harvest" moon: 4
Days 'til the Goleta Lemon Festival in California: 4
Amount of freshwater the Army Corps of Engineers is hauling in every day via barge to New Orleans due to saltwater intrusion from the Gulf of Mexico: 36 million gallons
Height being added to a 1,500-foot-wide underwater levee in the Mississippi River, constructed in July to slow the saltwater’s progression: 25 feet
Number of federal employees the government won't be able to pay when Republicans shut down the government: 4 million
Number of states in which median household incomes grew in 2022: 16
Percent chance that free at-home coronavirus tests are available now via COVIDTests.gov: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Someone give that pillow a cookie. Good pillow.
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CHEERS to walkin' the line. Donning his impeccable duds sporting the union label, President Biden straps on Jetpack One this morning and blasts off for Detroit, where he'll join the UAW picket line to show his administration's support for the striking autoworkers there (and elsewhere) as they fight for fairer wages.
[H]is visit to the state, a day before former President Donald Trump is scheduled to be there, will underscore his support for union workers' right to take action and engage in collective bargaining.
"Tuesday, I’ll go to Michigan to join the picket line and stand in solidarity with the men and women of UAW as they fight for a fair share of the value they helped create," Biden said on Friday in a post on X, the social media platform formerly known as Twitter. "It’s time for a win-win agreement that keeps American auto manufacturing thriving with well-paid UAW jobs."
Tomorrow his 2024 rival—the guy currently up on 91 state and federal felony charges—will also fly to Detroit, only he'll be speaking against the union's leadership. So, repeating our top story: Congratulations on Joe Biden's 2024 win in Michigan.
CHEERS to easy work days. Here's what Democrats needed to do yesterday to make the Republicans look even more petty, oxygen-starved, disorganized, and flat-out foolish than they already are:
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Sorry. I should've asked if you wanted to see the abbreviated list first.
CHEERS to the new kid on America's block. On September 26, 1789, Thomas Jefferson was appointed America’s first Secretary of State. Actual transcript of Day One:
President Washington: Here's your employee ID badge and key to the executive shite house. Box 'o quills. W-2 form—be sure to sign and return it to Gary in Accounting by 5. There's your office.
Jefferson: So…what do I do?
Washington: Who knows? Just make sure you don’t park in Adams' spot or he’ll tow your horse.
Jefferson: Do we get Columbus Day off?
Washington: Hasn’t been invented yet, kid. But nice try.
History. Gives ya chills.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to "The End." Quills are being sharpened across the country in anticipation of the imminent end of the writers strike. We're thrilled that the professional scripters will soon be back to their normal routine: chain smoking, pacing back and forth, fidgeting in their chair, grinding their teeth, clenching their toes, playing with the dog, pulling their hair, biting their nails, staring off into space, and writing and deleting the same sentence ten times in a row. Or as I like to call it: the first ten minutes of my workday.
JEERS to bad medicine. Just in case you missed it: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis's surgeon general is dealing with the current surge of nasty Covid-19 variants exactly how you'd expect: by siding with the virus. To the horror of the medical community that actually knows stuff, Doctor—repeat, Doctor—Joseph Ladapo is advising that those 65 and under not get the recently-approved booster shot. Thanks to his decision, people will needlessly get very sick and/or die. Later this week Ladapo is expected to issue a slate of new guidelines for dealing with the covid bubble, such as...
» All candy vending machines must stock 8oz. ivermectin bars in delicious mint and/or tropical fruit flavors.
» All references to the virus must be referred to as "Democrat Hoax-19."
» Any news report that includes a clip of the U.S. Surgeon General saying something must be over-dubbed with a reporter going "Blah blah blah blah blah…" after sucking on helium.
» All covid tests will now be loaded into a SpaceX Dragon capsule and shot into space from Cape Canaveral, whereupon health officials will await the results from God.
» Masks can only be worn as bikini bottoms and must now be referred to as "thongs."
» Firearms may discharged to “stand your ground” against the virus if you sense it is less than 500 yards from your person. Or more than 500 yards, let’s not get hung up on details.
» Everyone must now die of causes other than Covid-19 or face a minimum of five years in prison and a $10,000 fine that will be deposited into the DeSantis For President fund.
Congratulations, pythons. You’re no longer the biggest threat to your state.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 26, 2013
JEERS to algae-blooming water under the bridge. One of the many reasons we need to ditch our tea party governor, Paul LePage, next year is his willful disregard for environmental protection. He stuffed the DEP with cronies, made life miserable for longtime employees, and now the neglect is coming home to roost:
The Maine Department of Environmental Protection is systematically and deliberately dismantling successful programs designed to protect Maine's lakes, environmental advocates said Tuesday. … Internal emails and audits of staffing and departmental activities demonstrate a pattern in the DEP to disrupt and eliminate lake water-quality programs and impede collaboration with academic, scientific and public information efforts, the report says.
After hearing of the report (cuz he doesn’t like to read), Governor LePage responded: "Hey, more legs on frogs means more frog's legs. Them's good eatin'." Disclaimer: LePage did not actually say that. Yet.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the best places to do the happy dance. Do you remember what "fun" is? Or have the last several years on Planet Earth blotted such antiquated notions as the pursuit of happiness from your mind? It depends, in part, on where you live, according to Wallet Hub: America's #1 manufacturer of, presumably, hubs for wallets. (Enjoy that free plug, guys—it's on the house.) Their latest Most Fun States in America list for 2023 ranks our colonies in terms of how much their residents say they're having a ball:
In order to determine the most fun states in America, WalletHub compared the 50 states across two key categories, “Entertainment & Recreation” and “Nightlife.”
We evaluated those categories using 26 relevant metrics, which are listed below with their corresponding weights. Each metric was graded on a 100-point scale, with a score of 100 indicating the greatest number and variety of fun and cost-effective options. We then determined each state’s weighted average across all metrics to calculate its overall score and used the resulting scores to rank-order our sample.
And The Top 10 are...
California
Florida
Nevada
New York
Illinois
Colorado
Texas
Washington
Louisiana
Minnesota
Maine drops from #39 to #41 on the list. It would be much higher if not for Hiram Tupperbaum over on Oakdale Street. He and his attack ferrets know why.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"It's maddening that everyone plays along with whatever scam Bill in Portland Maine is pushing this week, and there was nothing more obviously ridiculous as Cheers and Jeers."
—Atrios
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