Late Night Snark: Takin’ It Sloooow Edition
“You have to remember how complicated this issue is. The justices have a very difficult legal question to answer: can the president break the law any time he wants? Hard to say, hard to say.
Constitutionally speaking, can he burn down the White House for insurance money? Can he set a bomb on a bus that’ll detonate if the bus goes below 50 miles per hour? Can he stick his penis in a barrel of warm coffee beans at Whole Foods? These are not easy questions to answer.”
—The Daily Show correspondent Desi Lydic, on the Supreme Court's corruption-drenched decision to take up Trump's claim of "presidential immunity"
Continued...
You’re now below the fold. No booze for frozen embryos under 21 hours.
"The Alabama Supreme Court ruled that frozen embryos are children. This surprised a lot of people, and proves beyond a doubt that Republicans do not know what children are. … This ruling would require embryos to remain in cryogenic storage even after the couple who underwent the IVF treatment have died, and potentially even after the couple's children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren have died. That's gonna make for some weird family reunions. 'Parker, say hello to your great-great-grandembryo. I don’t care if he smells weird, give him a kiss.' "
—Stephen Colbert
"Donald Trump won the South Carolina primary, which means that Trump is now undefeated everywhere except court."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"This is funny: Trump owes the state of New York 456-million dollars.
[Pause]
That's the funny part."
—Jimmy Kimmel
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"Over the weekend Republicans gathered for CPAC—the Conservative Political Action Conference. It's like Woodstock for anybody who hates anybody who went to Woodstock."
—The Daily Show guest host Michael Kosta
"Donald Trump announced he’s selling limited-edition gold sneakers for 400 dollars. You can check them out on the feet of the guy getting dragged off your flight."
—Michael Che, SNL
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 1, 2024
Note: Whistle while you work, Putin is a jerk, Trumpolini kissed his weenie, now it doesn’t work. That story plus Chet with your weekend forecast and Candy at the sports desk tonight on NewsCenter at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til we turn our clocks ahead: 9
Days 'til the Kona Brewers Festival on Hawaii's Big Island: 8
Number of days Boeing has been given to fix its "safety culture": 90
Length of the gun-purchase waiting period Democrats in the Maine legislature are proposing in the wake of last year's Lewiston massacre: 72 hours
Percent chance that Republicans in the Maine legislature are trying to block it: 100%
Number of measles cases reported so far at Manatee Bay Elementary in Weston, Florida: 7
Minutes a sloth can hold its breath: 40
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to March! Highlights of the month that will soon erupt into madness: coming in like a lion and hopefully going out like a Lamb. Putin's rusty prisoner-powered meat grinder continues churning out destruction as Ukrainians continue deciding they prefer their country without him, thank you very much. And stateside, the MAGA cult continues blaming inflation, crime, immigration, and the cancellation of the MyPillow empire on Black people and their insatiable perpetuation of our nation's original sin: racism against white people.
Plus: Daylight Saving Time (the 10th), Peanut Month (Caution: these 31 days may contain peanuts and/or peanut products), Women's History Month, Caffeine Awareness Month (I'm aware! I'm aware!!!), St. Patrick's Day, Girl Scout Day, Worship of Tools Day (tool tools, not human tools), Something-on-a-Stick Day, International Women's Day (the 8th), the full "worm moon" on the 25th that coincides with the start of another Trump trial (the Stormy Daniels one), the Oscars ceremony (shortened this year to the 10th through the 12th), and the infamous Ides that coincides with THE GREAT STATE OF MAINE'S 204th birthday.
You can peruse the slate of new movies (Dune 2 is the giant elephant sandworm in the room) that'll pop up in theaters and the 23,398 available streaming service here. Which reminds me: President Biden will continue adding new names to his slate of judicial nominees—the most diverse in our history, although I'd like to see one or two public candy corn defenders on the list. And spring arrives like this:
I also believe March is one of the months of the year in which Republicans act like total democracy-hating, reality-denying jerks—the others being January, February, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and December. Plus: as of today we've made it through one-sixth of 2024. Slap another gold star on your tuchus and give yourself a high-five.
CHEERS to Dark Brandon: Stallion of Desire. President Biden walked ten miles in six feet of snow—uphill both ways—to report for his annual physical this week, and his world-renowned physician reports he's in fine fettle. Details:
» He's “fit for duty” and does not have any new health concerns
» He "fully executes all of his responsibilities without any exemptions or accommodations"
» Uses CPAP machine in solidarity with the 30-million Americans who also have sleep apnea
» No findings consistent with any disorders such as stroke, multiple sclerosis or Parkinson’s
» "Excellent” motor skills
» Some arthritis affects how he walks, but it hasn't worsened since last year
» Cognitive test wasn't necessary
» Stress test result: Joe's the cat who won’t cop out when there's danger all about
» Continues bench-pressing a Corvette Stingray five days a week
» Despite his fondness for ice cream topped with rusty nails, he maintains a healthy bodyweight of 170 lbs.
» Has never injected bleach, shoved a UV light up his ass, or stared at a solar eclipse
Conclusion: Joe Biden is in fine shape to serve as president while campaigning for reelection. Or as The New York Times would put it: Biden Aces Physical—And Why That's Bad News For Joe Biden.
JEERS to Democrats denied. On March 2, 1877, Republican Rutherford B. Hayes was handed the 1876 win over Democrat Samuel J. Tilden, even though the latter won the popular vote by 250,000 votes. Here's how it went down (via Anything for A Vote by Joseph Cummins):
The struggle over the twenty remaining electoral votes lasted from November 8, 1876 to March 2, 1877. Republican-controlled "returning boards" (groups in each state who tallied electoral votes) simply threw out enough Democratic votes to swing Florida, Louisiana and South Carolina to Hayes. Democrats cried foul, officials of both parties flocked to the south, and President Grant sent federal troops, just in case.
In the end, an Election Commission was established, consisting of five U.S. senators, five congressmen, and five Supreme Court Justices, all of whom split along party lines. With the commission tied at 7-7, the Supreme Court justice who had the deciding vote resigned—and a Republican justice took his place. Hayes was voted into office with 185 electoral votes to Tilden's 184.
And 2000 Ralph Nader was like, "Hey…don't look at me. I'm not even born yet."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the Buckeye State. I was hatched at Mercy Hospital in Mount Vernon, Ohio in August of 1964, and that makes me—for better or worse—a dyed-in-the-wool Buckeye. So it goes without saying that today I'm wishing HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my home state—221 years young. Seven mostly-unremarkable presidents from Ohio were elected, and you all wisely stopped nominating us after Harding kicked the bucket in 1921. It's the only state whose flag is a pennant. And we're the proud birthplace of Steven Spielberg, Neil Armstrong, John Glenn, Orville Wright, Clark Gable, Gloria Steinem and one or two others.
Oh, and in the interest of fairness I should also mention that some people say Nebraska was admitted to the union on this date in 1867. Can't say I'm familiar with it, but I'll take 'em at their word.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Rumor has it there's stuff on TV this weekend and I guess I'll take them at their word. If the latest news outside of C&J is your thing, there’s Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew to deliver the goods.
Or, if you’re me, you’ll be watching Captain Kirk take on smarmy wife-peddler Harry Mudd on a classic episode of Star Trek at 8 (H&I network, with snarky live-tweeting at #allstartrek). Also at 8: a new edition of Penn & Teller: Fool Us! on the CW.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. Actress Sydney Sweeney (The White Lotus) hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: reports on Texas’s asylum seeker-killing (and illegal) “Operation Lone Star” and the Artemis space project.
Sunday night at 10 there’s a new episode of our household’s guilty pleasure: What Would You Do? on ABC. And then we’ll wrap up the weekend the usual way: with John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight on HBO. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Rep. Debbie Dingell (D-MI); Nikki Haley.
Face the Nation: Rep. Mike Turner (MAGA Cult-OH); Sen. Dan Sullivan (MAGA Cult-AK); Rep. Ro Khanna (D-CA);
This Week: Senators Chris Murphy (D-CT) and Mike Rounds (MAGA Cult-SD); former U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara; World Central Kitchen founder and superman Jose Andres.
CNN's State of the Union: Homeland Security chief Alejandro Mayorkas; Senator Markwayne Mullet...er, Mullen (MAGA Cult-OK).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Chris Coons (D-DE), Ben Cardin (D-MD), and Little Marco (MAGA Cult-FL); Rep. Byron Donald (MAGA Cult-FL).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 1, 2014
CHEERS to FLOTUS power. A collaboration between C-SPAN, New York's Siena College, and the White House Historical Association has produced the latest ranking of our First Ladies, and it's no surprise that Michelle Obama made the top five. But coming in first place, edging out Abigail Adams, Jackie Kennedy, Dolley Madison and Michelle, is the one and only Eleanor Roosevelt:
[Said] Dr. Levy, Director at Sierra Research Institute: “Not only is she most highly rated overall and in many of categories, but among First Ladies of the 20th -21st centuries she is seen as best on advancing women’s issues, as the strongest communicator, greatest political asset, performing the greatest service to the country after leaving office and as creating a lasting legacy.”
In her honor, tonight the C&J cafeteria will slather anything you want in Good Luck Margarine. It's delicious!
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And just one more…
CHEERS to strange holidays. I gotta "hand" it to whoever came up with this one. Sunday is What If Cats And Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day. I'm not supposed to do this, but because you’ve been such a great audienc, I can let you in on a little—[whispers]—top secret intel:
If cats and dogs had opposable thumbs, the world would be a better place. Yes, they'd wreck our kitchens with their constant culinary experimentation, but they'd also retrieve and bury all our weapons of mass destruction including guns and nukes and Trumps. How do I know this? I'm not at liberty to say—you'll have to ask the mad scientist across the street. (Speak loudly—she’s 134 and refuses to change the batteries in her Bel-Tone.)
Oh, and happy birthday to Frederic Chopin, whose best-known piano composition is, of course, Chopinsticks. Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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