Vintage Stewart
After recapping President Biden’s State of the Union address (including a mea culpa of sorts for his “both sides” equating of Joe and Trump a few weeks back) and the disastrous GOP response, Jon Stewart lays into the MAGA cult’s bonkers obsession with the Constitution, many parts of which their cult leader would love to get rid of and they’re...fine with that?
“You want him to be ‘Leader Uber Alles’? You want him to have the right of kings? You do you. But stop framing it as patriotism.” Take a look (starts at 6:36):
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We would add: and stop confusing the Constitution with the Declaration of Independence. You brilliant scholars, you.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 13, 2024
Note: Wanna play a game? Great! It's called Let's Not Play A Game. Ready, set...go! I win! Rematch?
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the total solar eclipse that'll pass over Maine: 26
Days 'til the 32nd Hebron Maple Fest in Connecticut: 3
Current unemployment rate in the United States: 3.9%
Factor by which electric vehicles will charge faster in 2032 than today, according to Moody's: 30%
Date by which Airbnb hosts have to remove all indoor security cameras: 4/30/24
Percent of players on Major League baseball opening day rosters in 1991 and 2023, respectively, who were Black: 18%, 6.2%
Number of Oscars won by Oppenheimer, including Best Picture and Best Director: 7
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 5 volcanoes and a plague of home sellers for Jesus). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Naptime…
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CHEERS to Dark Brandon and his MAGA-Busting Budget Bulldozer of Freedom! President Biden released his budget this week, and if it's as good as I'm hearing it is, Americans will love it and Republicans will find themselves picking their budgetary teeth off the floor:
Released on Monday, the budget aims to boost funding for federal agencies—but all Biden's requests require congressional approval. Along with the restored child tax credit, the president is seeking to strengthen Social Security and Medicare by ensuring Americans would not face any cuts to the benefits, with a $1.3 billion increase to the Social Security Administration's budget to help the agency better facilitate customer service for those relying on the benefits. […]
The budget also focuses on tax policy for the other side of earners, again proposing a minimum income tax on billionaires and hiking the corporate tax rate to 28%. [...]
Other key elements of Biden's budget request include boosted funding for the Federal Student Aid office to facilitate the repayment transition for millions of student-loan borrowers, further investments in climate programs, and efforts to support more affordable housing in the country.
Biden is fond of saying, "Show me your budget and I'll show you who you are." So stay tuned, America, for House Republicans to release theirs on a wad of used toilet paper soaked in gin from a billionaires liquor cabinet and stuffed in a wheelchair-bound grandma's mouth at the edge of a cliff. Message: they care.
CHEERS to making Florida GAY again. Well, well, well. It would seem as though Governor Ron DeSantis's little "war on woke" machine has gotten bogged down in the mud and taken a direct hit from forces belonging to the toward-justice-bending arc of the moral universe:
Students and teachers will be able to speak freely about sexual orientation and gender identity in Florida classrooms, provided it’s not part of instruction, under a settlement reached Monday between Florida education officials and civil rights attorneys who had challenged a state law which critics dubbed “Don’t Say Gay.”
Under the terms of the settlement, the Florida Board of Education will send instructions to every school district saying the Florida law doesn’t prohibit discussing LGBTQ people, nor prevent anti-bullying rules on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity or disallow Gay-Straight Alliance groups.
[The law also no longer applies] to library books not being used in the classroom.
For his part, DeSantis doesn’t really seem to care anymore. Funny how dropping out of a presidential race does that.
CHEERS to great inventions. On this date in 1877, Chester Greenwood of Farmington, Maine got his patent fora new device called "earmufflers". Normal people wear them to keep out the cold. Conservatives wear them to keep out the truth.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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HOLY MOLEY to an eventful first 132 months. Pope Francis, who I believe is the first pontiff (out of 266) with only one lung to get the white-smoke treatment, and is definitely the first Jesuit pope and first non-European pope of the modern era, began his reign ten years ago this week.
He's quite a mixed bag, ain't he? I love the way he tut-tuts conservatives on climate-change and trickle-down economics. I like how he’s firing the most extreme bishops. But his stance on LGBTers and women remains firmly rooted in reality-denial territory, and his call for Ukraine to pick up the “white flag” and negotiate with Russia indicates what we hope is just a brief moment of ignorance.
Then again, at least he's not the lump of German sourdough he replaced. In keeping with his reputation as a humble and casual Pontiff, today he'll sleep in 'til noon, pull on a pair of sweatpants and a "Party Like It's 1499" t-shirt, down a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, ride his skateboard to the office, give everybody high fives and invite busloads of poor people in for a fish fry and games of beanie Frisbee. But he’ll stop short of taking take a hit off the incense bong. Ya gotta draw the line somewhere.
JEERS to the looooong wait. Don’t you dare say “Belated Happy Equal Pay Day” or you’ll get a frying pan to the face and rightly so. Yes, yesterday was Equal Pay Day, symbolizing how women have to work roughly 16 months to earn what men earned during the twelve months of 2023. Many employers say they’re aware of the issue, and have promised they’re working on it. But many aren't, and for that you can look to the Republican party to see why. For your entertainment, we present our annual single reference to the late Phyllis Schlafly, who once donned her finest antebellum hoop skirt and belched:
"Suppose the pay gap between men and women were magically eliminated. If that happened, simple arithmetic suggests that half of women would be unable to find what they regard as a suitable mate. … The best way to improve economic prospects for women is to improve job prospects for the men in their lives, even if that means increasing the so-called pay gap."
She’s dead and buried now. Sadly, someone forgot to toss the GOP in with her.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 13, 2014
CHEERS to spooking the spooks. Ha ha ha ha, the CIA got in trouble! Senate intelligence committee chair Dianne Feinstein says the super-secret spy agency has been hacking into committee computers and making evidence of the agency's illegal torture program disappear. It's ugly:
Feinstein described the escalating conflict as a “defining moment” for Congress’s role in overseeing the nation’s intelligence agencies and cited “grave concerns” that the CIA had “violated the separation-of-powers principles embodied in the United States Constitution.”
[CIA Director John] Brennan fired back during a previously scheduled speech in Washington, saying that “when the facts come out on this, I think a lot of people who are claiming that there has been this tremendous sort of spying and monitoring and hacking will be proved wrong.”
Brennan also said, "We aren't trying to block anything." He might have been more credible if his voice wasn't coming from Senator Feinstein's brooch.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the human robot who's just the right height. A day late on this, but happy 77th birthday to 6-foot 2-inch Mitt Romney. The former governor of Liberalchusetts and now senator from Conservatah no doubt found himself on the receiving end of a bunch of moocher-worthy “big gifts” and “chocolate baked goodies.” Heck, Barack Obama may may have called him, now that he’s long finished with his second term that all the GOP’s horses and all the GOP’s men couldn’t prevent in 2012. And then he might say a few words, like….
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We got him his usual gift: a tie with the bottom 47 percent lopped off.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Judge Tells Peter Navarro To Go Directly To Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool, Do Not Pass 'Go,' Do Not Collect $200
—Wonkette
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