Late Night Snark: Squawk Box Edition
"President Biden delivered the State of the Union, and he honestly kinda crushed it. Even Trump's house elf Lindsey Graham was laughing and enjoying it. Normally he's only that happy when he's secretly watching RuPaul's Drag Race."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"I imagine one of her kids just came downstairs and was like, 'I'm sorry, Mom, I just came down to get a bowl of cereal. I didn’t realize you were losing your f*cking mind. I'll come back when the Xannies kick in."
—Jon Stewart, on Alabama Senator Katie Britt's bonkers response to the SOTU from her massive unfurnished kitchen
Continued...
You are now below the fold, where the millipedes greet you as liberators.
“Well, thank you President Trump. Thank you for watching. I’m surprised you’re still—isn’t it past your jail time?”
—Jimmy Kimmel, responding to Trump's rage-tweet “review” of the Oscars telecast on Truth Social
"The inevitable has inevitted. After sweeping last night's primaries, Trump has locked up the GOP nomination. [Crowd boos.] I thoroughly agree. 'Nomination' was not the word I wanted to hear after the words 'Trump' and 'locked up.' "
—Stephen Colbert
"The House passed a bill that would force [TikTok’s] Chinese parent company to sell the social media platform or face a domestic ban. Well, if you guys are worried about the Chinese gathering data on Americans, wait 'til you find out who makes the phones."
—Seth Meyers
"That's right—Aaron Rodgers could be RFK Jr.'s running mate. ‘This would be the greatest president and vice president pairing of all time,’ is what I'm assuming the measles virus is saying."
—Daily Show correspondent Michael Kosta
"Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema announced that she is retiring from the Senate. But I doubt any of us will ever forget the name of Senator…uh, Crystal Salmonella?"
—Michael Che, SNL
And now, our feature presentation…
-
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 15, 2024
Note: Today is the Ides of March. I seem to have misplaced my dagger, so I'll have to assassinate you with this toothpick instead. [Poink! Poink! Poink! Poink! Poink! Poink!] Sorry, this might take awhile. While you’re waiting to shuffle off your mortal coil, please help yourself to a muffin.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til spring: 4
Days 'til the California Artisan Cheese Festival in Santa Rosa: 7
Percent of U.S. adults who now identify as LGBTQ+, according to Gallup polling, up from 3.5% in 2012: 7.6%
Percent of LGBTQ+ adults who identify as bisexual: 57.3%
Boost in employment during February due to favorable weather, according to the San Francisco Fed: 100,000 jobs
Expected high bid on June 24 when a rare 1868 one-cent "Z-grill" stamp goes up for auction: $4-5 million
Number of Z-grills known to exist, of which only one is now in private hands: 2
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
-
CHEERS to the week in review. Here's the week in review:
TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok Oppenheimer wins Oscars TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok Biden and Trump win primaries TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok MAGA movement vaporizes the RNC TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok Hur humiliated in House TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok Biden reelection campaign rakes in dough TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok Working GOP House advantage shrinks to 2 votes TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok TikTok
Oh, and I almost forgot: TikTok.
JEERS to underexposure. The atmosphere at Mar-a-Lago was jubilant, jocular, joyful. The assembled crowd waited on pins and needles for the unveiling of the official photo of the new RNC employees, now working overtime to use the organization as a glorified slush fund to pay the legal bills of the previous president. Sadly, when the curtain was lifted, this was the all the crowd saw propped up on the easel:
Moral of the story: if you're gonna have your portrait taken inside Trump's ass, bring your own lighting.
CHEERS to the GREAT STATE OF MAINE!!! We told Massachusetts to kiss our hineys (well, the proclamation specifically says “kisseth our hineyeths”) 204 years ago today, after which we declared our independence and became America’s 23rd and most-envied state, though not under the best of circumstances:
Mainers had begun campaigning for statehood in the years following the Revolution.
The Massachusetts legislature finally consented in 1819. What no one in either Massachusetts or Maine foresaw, however, was that Maine's quest for statehood would become entangled in the most divisive issue in American history—slavery.
Most Mainers supported abolition. They were dismayed that their admission to the Union was linked to the admission of Missouri as a slave state. This controversial "Missouri Compromise" preserved—for a few more decades—the delicate balance between pro- and anti-slavery forces in the U.S. Congress.
We've got a lot going for us, if I do say so myself. We're governed by a liberal Democrat (the first woman guv in the Blaine House who in 2022 destroyed Trump clone Paul LePage in a landslide to win four more years). We're the first state in the country to approve marriage equality by a citizen vote independent of the legislature, our scenery will lower your stress level in mere minutes, our lobster melts in your mouth, we're a national leader in voter turnout (and voting rights), we have a popular new national monument thanks to former President Obama, and our energy is getting greener by the day, as is our marijuana industry. So, if it's okay with the rest of you in the lower 48, we'd like to stay attached to the republic for a little while longer. At least until Canada makes us a better offer.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to Ol' Shortstuff. Happy 273rd birthday to "Father of the Constitution" James Madison—at 5-foot-4 our president (1809-1817) with the lowest center of gravity and our next-to-last Founding Father to occupy the White House (Monroe ended the era after him). Frankly, it's amazing what he accomplished considering that he was one sick puppy:
James Madison was without a doubt the sickliest president in American history.
The man's life reads like the index to a medical textbook. Influenza, rheumatism, hemorrhoids—you name it, he had it. He suffered frequent bouts of illness from a young age and abstained from serving in the Continental Army during the Revolution on account of them. […]
The location of the founded capital—Washington—didn’t help. The area's proximity to a swamp meant summers there could be infernally humid and plagued by fetid, unhealthy air. While unpleasant for most people, it was downright crippling for Madison, whose "bilious indispositions," as he called them, usually forced him to flee D.C. during the hot months.
—From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien
And yet he lived to be one of our oldest ex-presidents, expiring in 1836 at the ripe old age of 85. Madison was also at the helm during the War of 1812, when The Star Spangled Banner was written. Pay your respects here. Preferably under the red glare of some sort of rocket-like projectile.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If couch-potato’ing is on your agenda this weekend, here are a few things that may pop up on your TV. The latest Friday news dump gets unpacked by Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew. Or if you’ve had enough news for one day, there’s Penn & Teller: Fool Us! at 8 on the CW. Or or or...if you’ve had enough of magic, you can live-tweet tonight’s classic Star Trek episode (H&I Network, 8pm, hashtag #allstartrek) during which Kirk fights the reptilian Gorn captain.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. Also: the “fifth major,” the PGA Player’s Championship (featuring that diabolical island green at TPC Sawgrass) airs on NBC. Saturday night on CBS: the 55th NAACP Image Awards.
Sunday evening 60 Minutes does a profile of Putin opponents working out of Lithuania, and a rape victim who years later discovered that an innocent man was sent to prison for it. And after a new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm (now in its final season) John Oliver continues hammering away at American foolishness on a new edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sens. Ben Cardin (D-MD) and Bill Cassidy (MAGA Cult-LA).
CNN's State of the Union: Representative and future Senator Adam Schiff (D-CA); towering former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).
This Week: National Security Communications Adviser John Kirby; Reps. Ro Khanna (D-CA) and Mike Turner (MAGA Cult-OH).
Face the Nation: Reps. Raja Krishnamoorthi (D-IL) and Mike Gallagher (MAGA Cult-WI); UNICEF executive director Catherine Russell; Mike Pence; tech journalist/podcaster Kara Swisher.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: John Kirby; Rep. Michael McCaul (MAGA Cult-TX).
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: March 15, 2014
JEERS to the Worst Role Model for Girls in the World. Let's talk about what the hell Condoleezza Rice was doing being spotlighted as a role model for the Girl Scouts in last Sunday's edition of Parade magazine. This persistent effort on the media's part to scrub the Iraq warmongers' blood-drenched records clean is infuriating. In the article, amazingly titled "Leading by Example" (go ahead—let that sink in for a moment), Rice says, "Words matter." I agree with that. In fact, here are some words of hers I remember quite well when she was Bush's National Security Advisor:
"We don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud."
"He took the American people and American forces to war because this was a bloody tyrant, who for 12 years had defied the international community, who had weapons of mass destruction, who had used them in the past, who was threatening his neighbors, and who threatened our efforts to make the Middle East, a place in which you would have stability and therefore not people with ideologies of hatred driving airplanes into the World Trade Center. That's why we went to war."
"The danger from Saddam Hussein's arsenal is far more clear than anything we could have foreseen prior to September 11th."
So. To be a good American citizen, Girl Scouts of America, take it from role-model Condi: lie, instill fear in as many people as possible, go to war for bogus reasons, and then deny any wrongdoing as you accept a cushy professorship at a major American university that never should’ve hired her in the first place. And if you can plink out a tune on a baby grand, make room on your shelf for a Medal of Freedom.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to the wearin' o’ the green beer. St. Patrick's Day is Sunday and C&J extends an early yet hearty "Begosh 'n Begorrah" to all our Irish and/or Irish-ish readers. My blood line is Swiss ("Is that the Matterhorn in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Ha ha ha, I kid. It’s really an Alpine horn."), so I'm neutral about St. Patrick's Day. But since we’re all assembled, we bring you the following 15 seconds of copied-and-pasted mirth:
Have you heard about the Irish boomerang? It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
There's a new Irish restaurant being built in town. They're going to serve gourmet 7-course Irish meals. Everyone who comes in gets a potato and a six-pack.
On St. Patrick's Day, Americans are expected to drink over 13 million pints of Guinness. To give you an idea how much beer that is, go outside and look at the sidewalk. —Seth Meyers
What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? Paddy O'Furniture.
Remember: if someone walks up to you Sunday and shouts “Lá Fhéile Pádraig sona duit!”, the proper response is, “Don’t move. I’m calling the CDC.”
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-