I’m putting myself out there. Time to be stealth is over. I’ve never written anything before so forgive me if I make mistakes. This is kind of scary for me being a very private person. I worry I might become a target but here it goes.
Six years ago I was a depressed 55 year old man with a bad heart, a bad back, and arthritic knees. I had a bad rotator cuff, I was pre diabetic and weighed over 400 lbs. I was literally eating myself to death. It was “Leaving Las Vegas, Buffet Style”.
Let me give you some background to understand how I arrived at such a sorry state.
When I was 5 years old my brother and sister were in school I was alone with mom and she let me free roam while she was doing domestic chores. I went into my sisters room and I put on a pretty purple princess dress that she had and I was playing with the Barbie’s when my mother came into the room. “What on earth are you doing?” she asked. “Playing Barbie!” I exclaimed loudly. “That is a girl toy and you are wearing a girls dress too.” she told me. “I’m a girl.” I plainly stated. “NO! You are a boy”, my mother insisted and i screamed “IMA GIRL!!!” My mother grabbed me by my shoulders and got down to my level and looked me in the eye and said, “NO you are a boy, I’m your mother and it’s my job to protect you and I can’t let you go down this path. You take that dress off right now young man put your own clothes on and go play outside and get dirty like a boy should. I don’t want to hear anymore of this nonsense.” I obeyed my mother. I was taught to obey my parents wishes.
I spent the next 8 or 9 years avoiding anything feminine or “girly” out of fear of shame and guilt, then at age 12 or 13 i developed breast buds. I was experiencing gynecomastia and I was growing breasts. I managed to not take my shirt off all through junior high and high school and to never be in the gym showers with anyone else around. It was a real hard life having to play games and use misdirection and lie and BS my way through. I was like an undercover agent protecting my secret identity. It was a lot of stress for a young person.
I tried to be as masculine as I could I dated women out of my league, I didn’t want to be with them I wanted to be them. I was a perfect friend and companion. I lived vicariously through them and I learned everything I could about being a woman. I was a giant hairy beast of a man. I had to be to hide my very fem looking breasts. I was kind, I was kind of grumpy/ gruff, I was cool and a lot of fun. I rode motorcycles like I had 9 lives and by some twist of fate never laid one down even after my handlebars snapped in two once!
I had many failed marriages managed to avoid children, it was never something I wanted in my life because I thought it would be cruel considering my life was never ending torture. I tried to be gay, that didn’t work because I’m not gay. I love my gay friends but I never identified with the community. I’m a straight woman and I like straight men.
I was lost and at my wits end when I hit over 400 lbs, that’s when I asked myself if I was done with life, “Is this the end of Rocco?” If it was then why continue this farce just stick a bullet in the chamber and end it all, or screw it, be the women I always wanted to be. Just do it and blow everyone away.
So I went to work on myself, I started exercising everyday and radically changed my diet. When I got to my weight goal to start Gender Affirming Hormone Treatments I was 4 years in. Four years of exercise and diet, I also did voice training movement training, hair and makeup tutorials, everyday I had to learn a new woman thing. It was a whole new skill set and way of being to learn.
Once the hormones started the depression disappeared, I started looking forward to life. I felt emotions intensely and I had feeling again for life and love and hope for the future. I had no idea life could be so great. I’m living hand to mouth and the facts of my life and the sorry state of my finances are nothing to be proud of but my life has been out of whack since that day my mother told me I couldn’t be a girl. Now even broke and struggling I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I smile all the time!
I didn’t want to be transgender, I don’t think anyone does. It’s difficult and confusing and it’s really hard and society doesn’t need to make it worse for us but it seems they just can’t help themselves. We are not dangerous and the only people we want to groom is ourselves. I am a woman, I have always been a woman. I need to be visible so you can see me. The real me, and realise we come in peace. Please tell your leaders we need understanding not vilification. We take more abuse everyday of our lives we spend hiding our true selves than anybody should have to endure.
Gender Affirming Hormone Treatments save lives. It saved mine! I have been on them now for 16 months and the changes keep coming. Make sure they are available to those that need them. BTW the only thing we want to do in the bathroom is go, wash our hands and check our makeup and hair in the mirror. I don’t want to spend anymore time in a public toilet than I have too thank you very much. We’re just people, like you, and I think we’re beautiful. Trans rights ARE human rights. Have a wonderful Easter Sunday on this Trans Day of Visibility.