Who's Killing Us, Again?
I ran across this bit of happy talk from the 2014 CPAC convention, courtesy of former gun-industry lobbyist—aka NRA mouthpiece—Wayne LaPierre:
"We know in the world that surrounds us, there are terrorists and there are home invaders, drug cartels, carjackers, and knockout gamers, and rapers and haters and campus killers, airport killers, shopping mall killers, and killers who seek to destroy our country with massive storms of violence against our power grids or vicious waves of chemicals or disease that could collapse our society that sustains us all."
Sounds awful, no? Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, none of that stuff destroyed our country in the ten years since, and Wayne LaPierre was just found guilty of defrauding NRA members so he could buy fancy duds in Beverly Hills and enjoy fancy trips a la Clarence Thomas. The bad news is, there are indeed those who want to "destroy our country with violence" and "collapse our society that sustains us all." And the people doing the destroying and collapsing came out last month and said, "We're heeere!" right in front of a giant microphone. At the 2024 CPAC convention:
“Welcome to the end of democracy. We are here to overthrow it completely."
Remember that, everyone. To destroy our country, you don’t need terrorists, home invaders, drug cartels, carjackers, knockout gamers, rapers, campus killers, airport killers, or shopping mall killers. Nah. To destroy our country…just vote Republican.
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, March 4, 2024
Note: To remove the printer cartridge from the printer cartridge blisterpack, simply call 911 and an emergency responder will be dispatched to release it using the Jaws of Life. For faster service, make sure they lean on their sirens. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the State of the Union Address: 3
Days 'til the Chocolate Expo in Edison, New Jersey: 5
Increase in personal income in January: 1%
Increase in personal spending in January: 0.2%
Gains by the Nasdaq, Dow Industrials, and S&P 500, respectively, in February: 6.1%, 2.2%, 5.2%
Minimum number of years Kevin Monahan will spend in prison for murdering 20-year-old Kaylin Gillis after the car she was in with friends accidentally turned into his driveway and he shot her: 25
Age of The Who's Roger Daltrey as of last Friday: 80
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Enter the lawyers…
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JEERS to meeting our lowest expectations. Here's a quick snapshot of where we are with the various legal actions against the previous president, who faces over 90 indictments for everything from financial fraud to refusing to return classified documents (some of which are still missing):
New York—Real Estate Fraud Previous president is on the hook for $454 million, with $112,000 in interest accruing every day. He has 20 more days to come up with the dough or New York AG Letitia James will start seizing his assets, starting with the gold toilet in Trump Tower, followed by Trump Tower.
Georgia—Fake Electors Trial Trump's attorneys went after Fulton County D.A. Fani Willis with crowbars, and now the whole trial is a) tainted, and b) delayed while the judge takes at least two weeks to decide if she should be removed from the case for the heinous crime of prosecuting Republicans while Black.
Florida—Stolen Classified Documents I'm not sure what the status of this trial is at the moment, but if we see Judge and MAGA cultist Aileen Cannon exit Trump's Mar-a-Lago suite dangling a cigarette from her mouth while adjusting her blouse, we can assume that federal prosecutor Jack Smith should probably quit his day job and take up shuffleboard.
Washington D.C.—Incitement of Insurrection This trial, arguably the one that has the most potential to turn public opinion against the defendant, is on hold because six MAGA-cultist Supreme Court justices have decided to consider whether or not the president is really more of an emperor with a green light to smite his enemies, loot the treasury, and destroy the world. It will take them five months to reach a conclusion on because their luxury travel schedules are booked solid, and they hate to disappoint their billionaires.
And then there's the Stormy Daniels hush money trial coming up in 21 days. Because you can't have fraud, theft, and treason without sex. I think that's Newton's lesser-known fourth law.
JEERS to going off the rails. Sorry, that's not a political metaphor this time. In Pennsylvania's Lehigh Valley, a freight train jumped the tracks and scared the crap out of everyone within a thousand miles. But not to fear, the railroad involved has experience with this kind of thing. Like, a lot of experience:
Norfolk Southern has come under fire in the past year over multiple train derailments, the most notable in East Palestine, Ohio, when 38 cars of a 151-cartrain carrying hazardous materials derailed and 12 others caught fire. Since then, residents of the eastern Ohio town have reported health problems and there have also been wildlife deaths.
Norfolk Southern had multiple derailments last year including one on April 8 in Pittsburgh and another on May 10 in New Castle, Ohio.
For its part, the profits-first executives at Norfolk Southern dispatched a team of experienced professionals to look thoughtful in white lab coats and hard hats as they stroke their chins and make check marks on a clipboard. Republicans across the country will now focus their attention on whining about how President Biden hasn't shown up to personally lap up the spilled contents with his tongue, but not before passing a bill in the House protecting the right of all trains to derail at any time on religious grounds. In the distance, a dog barks.
CHEERS to the land of milk and hippies. Happy birthday to our commune-dwelling New England sibling Vermont!!! You became our 14th state on March 4, 1791.
Besides Ben and Jerry, Senator Bernie Sanders, Senator Peter Welch and a nuclear power plant that makes me nervous, Vermont—aka “The Green Mountain State”—is home to Howard Dean, who became the first governor to pass civil unions for same-sex couples and exclaimed, "YOU have the power!" It's also the birthplace of tractor dude John Deere, Brigham Young, Rudy Vallee, 21st president Chester Arthur, and 30th president Calvin Coolidge, who slept ten hours a day and once murmured, "When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results." Wow...no wonder Republicans are always thought of as the economic whiz kids.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to walking into a hornet's nest. Man, talk about hitting the ground running. On March 4, 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated. And on March 4, 1933, Franklin Roosevelt was inaugurated. Lincoln led the country through our nightmarish Civil War. FDR led the country through our nightmarish Great Depression and nightmarisher World War II. Meanwhile, our previous Republican president claims he "has done more for African Americans in this Country than any President since Lincoln." Why do I bring him into it? Because it's my job to make you laugh.
CHEERS to dissension in the ranks. Meanwhile in Michigan, the MAGA cult did something or other with their delegates over the weekend. If the preview panned out as promised, it was another fine display of comity and competence:
Chaos and confusion threaten to upstage Michigan Republicans on Saturday as they determine how to award delegates to former President Donald Trump and former United Nations Ambassador Nikki Haley.
An ugly leadership dispute is fueling the disarray.
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Pete Hoekstra, who has the Republican National Committee’s blessing to chair the Michigan GOP, will preside over one. Kristina Karamo, the deposed and defiant former state party chair, had planned to convene at the same time in Detroit. Meanwhile, GOP groups representing two of Michigan’s 13 congressional districts announced plans to hold their own conventions elsewhere this weekend.
Worst of all, Gladys had no freaking clue where to drop off the cookies and punch. I think it's time to revise a well-worn adage: "I am not a member of any organized political party. I'm a Republican."
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 4, 2014
JEERS to aiding and abetting the frenemy. Here's the problem with debating the Bible literalists, as science guy Bill Nye did recently with creationist Ken Ham: despite winning every argument (duh), the media-hyped Nye-Ham slam caused a flood of cash into the Creationism "Museum's" coffers. In fact, they now have enough green to finish building their “life-size” Noah’s ark. And people will flock to it and gasp, "That's exactly what the real one looked like!" Meanwhile, Paramount Pictures has agreed to run a disclaimer for their upcoming "Noah" movie saying that what you're watching isn’t like what really didn’t happen, but more like a creative interpretation of what really didn’t happen. Good call. You wouldn’t want to confuse people when they find out the flick is interpreted a la Bob Fosse and God starts the flood with jazz hands!!!
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And just one more…
CHEERS to sparklers in…March??? Great question, thanks for asking! The answer is YES. Fact is, when you go outside on a clear night and let your eyes adjust, you'll see a whole universe above you. And what is this universe doing, you ask? Another great question! The elves at NASA always let us in on the big celestial events for the month. Here’s a look at March’s sky-watching tips, including some action around the moon, and a decent chance of comet farts:
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Now look up at the stars and smile real big. Then put your fingers in your nostrils, stick out your tongue, turn around and bare your tuchus. Just in case someone up there is watching, let’s give ‘em a good show.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Bill in Portland Maine looks so lost and confused. He jumbles his words. This guy’s swimming in the shallow end of the kiddie pool. It’s not good.”
—Joe Scarborough
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