Late Night Snark: B'bye Edition
"Mitch McConnell announced that he'll step down in November. He'll be replaced by the current number-two in the Senate: a frozen embryo holding an assault rifle."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"Senator Kyrsten Sinema is stepping down to spend more time with her family: Goldman and Sachs."
—The Daily Show guest host Ronny Chieng
Continued...
You are now below the fold, and the state of our fold is strong!
"This morning Nikki Haley officially suspended her presidential campaign. In her concession speech, Haley didn’t endorse Trump, she just ‘wished him well.’ And if you've ever broken up with someone and wished them well, you know what that means."
—Jimmy Fallon
"Tonight Joe Biden has delivered what has been described in the press so far as 'feisty,' 'fiery,' 'heated,' 'supreme,' 'crunchwrap'… I'm sorry, it's really late and I'm really hungry."
—Stephen Colbert, during his live post-SOTU edition of The Late Show
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"The Supreme Court ruled that states can't keep Trump off their ballots, which means that the Supreme Court remains the only place where Trump can win the popular vote."
—Seth Meyers
"The New York Times published a poll that showed Trump leading Biden by five percent among registered voters. Okay, now I'm less worried about the candidates and more worried about the mental competence of the voters. Someone should give us a cognitive test.
[But] that New York Times poll is a mess. It found Trump winning the female vote by one percent, when Biden carried women in 2020 by eleven points. Somehow I doubt Trump has won back over twelve percent of women with his empowering message: I'm a rapist. "
—Stephen Colbert
"Mississippi Republican Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith blocked a bill that would protect access to in-vitro fertilization. Because as they say in Mississippi: if you’re having trouble conceiving, just try it with a different cousin."
—Michael Che, SNL
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 8, 2024
Note: The Orpglorpian ambassador from the Khhhhhhhprboh nebula will be landing on Earth around noon tomorrow. Please remember: it is deaf in its left six ears so you have to shout real loud into its nine right ears, and I mean like REALLY LOUD, or it won’t hear you. Thanks.
[Snicker snicker.]
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By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 11
Days 'til the Razor Clam and Seafood Festival in Ocean Shores, Washington: 7
Minimum number of prescription drugs for which President Biden says he wants Medicare to negotiate prices: 50
Number of NASA astronaut applications in 2021: 12,000
Number of graduates this year from that pool: 10
Years since a gray whale was spotted in the Atlantic, as one was this week off the coast of Massachusetts: 200
Date on which Nikki Haley (R) and Dean Phillips (D) exited the presidential race: 3/6/24
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
In honor of International Women’s Day, Eleanor and Fala...
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CHEERS to meeting the moment. That Dark Brandon is a baaaad mother…. (Shut your mouth!)…Well I'm talking about Dark Brandon… (And we can dig it!) Last night's State of the Union address (transcript here) was part House Divided, part knuckle sandwich, and part Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah. I thought he pulled it off like a man half his age, with enough flinty-eyed stare to even raise the Beelzebub hair on the back of Putin's neck. Here's my annual brain dump for future archaeologists to marvel over:
» "The State of our Union is strong and getting stronger!" And gassier. But that’s mostly because of Taco Bell.
» He really took the brass knuckles to Trump: “It wasn’t that long ago when a Republican President, Ronald Reagan, thundered, ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.’ Now, my predecessor, a former Republican President, tells Putin, ‘Do whatever the hell you want.’ A former American President actually said that, bowing down to a Russian leader. It’s outrageous. It’s dangerous. It’s unacceptable.”
» We're no longer talking about infrastructure week. We're talking about infrastructure decades, bitches.
» Sick burns of the night:
1) “Many of you in this chamber and my predecessor are promising to pass a national ban on reproductive freedom. My God, what freedoms will you take away next?”
2) “My predecessor and some of you here seek to bury the truth of January 6th. I will not do that. This is a moment to speak the truth and bury the lies. And here’s the simplest truth. You can’t love your country only when you win.”
3) “Four years ago next week, before I came to office, our country was hit by the worst pandemic and the worst economic crisis in a century. … A president, my predecessor, failed his most basic duty any President owes the American people: the duty to care. That is unforgivable.”
» Nice way of putting it: "In my career I’ve been told I’m too young and I’m too old. Whether young or old, I’ve always known what endures. Our North Star. The very idea of America, that we are all created equal and deserve to be treated equally throughout our lives. We’ve never fully lived up to that idea, but we’ve never walked away from it either. And I won’t walk away from it now." But now I’m worried that Biden’s in the pocket of Big North Star.
» Can't wait to see how the MAGA cult figures out a way to defend higher credit card late fees so they can criticize Biden for wanting to get rid of 'em.
» "And I make this solemn promise to America tonight: Ted Cruz will never deliver a State of the Union Address. And you can probably strike out Marjorie Taylor-Greene, too. Thank you and God bless our troops." [15 minute standing ovation]
Overall, a speech worthy of an A+, I thought. Meanwhile, 14 of the atrocious Republican rebuttals have been delivered. The remaining 109 should be finished by Thursday.
CHEERS (or, if you hate it, JEERS) to emerging from the dark times. I know, I know…for many of you Daylight Saving Time sucks. In fact, research shows that for 40 percent of Americans, it takes a week or so to physically and/or mentally make the adjustment. But up here in Maine, where global warming is a hoax, it's a real shot in the arm to get that extra perceived hour of daylight, and well worth the excruciating childbirth-like pain of losing an hour of sleep. So here's the deal: make a note to turn your clocks ahead an hour Sunday morning. Or better yet, make a note to tell someone else in your house to do it because you're sick of always being the one who has to stay up ‘til 2am do it.
As usual, Democrats on Capitol Hill will help their Republican colleagues reset their pocket watches. If left to do it themselves, they won’t stop until they've turned 'em back 50 years. Oops. Sorry. I mean decades.
CHEERS to great moments in wingnut walloping. Seventy years ago today, on March 9, 1954, Edward R. Murrow took Ann Coulter's pin-up idol, Senator Joseph McCarthy of Wisconsin, to the cleaners over his Communist witch hunt. His fab-o wrapup could serve as a middle-finger salute to McCarthy's modern-day Wisconsin doppelganger “Moscow Ron” Johnson:
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"We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. We must remember always that accusation is not proof and that conviction depends upon evidence and due process of law. We will not walk in fear, one of another. We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason, if we dig deep in our history and our doctrine, and remember that we are not descended from fearful men—not from men who feared to write, to speak, to associate and to defend causes that were, for the moment, unpopular."
Senator McCarthy was the ideological right-winger who thought he could bully and bluster his way to power and glory by ruining innocent people’s lives, but ended up ruining his own by getting censured in the Senate and then dying in a cloud of booze and morphine at age 48. Karma’s a what, again?
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to supporting the troops. Happy 82nd anniversary to Blue Star Mothers of America, a dedicated non-political, non-religious group of…
"…mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers, foster mothers and female legal guardians who have children serving in the military, guard or reserves, or children who are veterans.
We support each other and our children while promoting patriotism. Our organization focuses on our mission every single day and will never, ever, forsake our troops, our veterans or the families of our Fallen Heroes.
True fact: the Metthees family of Goodhue, Minnesota had the most children serving at one time: three in the Army, two in the Navy and two in the Air Force. (They all made it home safe.) I can guarantee you this: there will come a day when BSMA is no longer necessary because our country has permanently ceased throwing our men and women into ridiculous conflicts as cannon fodder for the comfort of the well-manicured political class. That’ll be the day the earth gets absorbed into the sun in 7.5 billion years. Around lunchtime.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Kind of a quiet week for TV, unless you're a die-hard Academy Awards fan. The gang at MSNBC kicks things off by unpacking all the Friday news dump bon-bons. We invite you to live-tweet tonight’s classic episode of Star Trek at 8 (H&I Network, hashtag #allstartrek) during which Spock goes on trial for the act of—gasp!—mutiny. And at 8:30 you can catch an interview with journalist Tim Alberta on the evangelical Christian cult’s infatuation with using fear to grow fascism via the MAGA movement.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. The Arnold Palmer Invitational airs on NBC, while the Shriners Children’s 500 will be run Sunday at 3:30 on Fox. (Children driving Formula One cars at 120 mph—what could go wrong???) Josh Brolin hosts SNL.
The Oscars, hosted by knee-slapper (but not face-slapper) Jimmy Kimmel, will start Sunday night at 7pm on ABC and end sometime in mid-April. (More on them below.) On 60 Minutes: grieving Ukrainians go on an expedition of hope, and a profile of artist Jeff Koons. There’s a new Curb Your Enthusiasm at 9 on HBO. And I'm happy to be able to say again that the weekend will wrap up at 11 with another award-winning edition of John Oliver's Last Week Tonight, also on on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sens. Raphael Warnock (D-GA) and Lindsey Graham (MAGA Cult-SC).
This Week: Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg; Rep. Nancy Mace (MAGA Cult-SC); “Burn Book: author Kara Swisher.
Face the Nation: House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-Brooklyn And Don’t You Forget It); Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT); former Trump economic stooge Gary Cohn; Sens. Mark Warner (D-VA) and Little Marco (MAGA Cult-FL).
CNN's State of the Union: Senators Jim “That’s True” Lankford (MAGA Cult-OK) and Raphael Warnock (D-GA).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Pete Buttigieg; State senator and State of the Union-response disaster Katie Britt (MAGA Cult-AL); and Q-Anon darling Tim Tebow.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 8, 2014
CHEERS to strange bedfellows. Facebook is planning to merge with the drone business, and is currently contemplating the purchase of Titan Aerospace. Once the ink is dry on the contract, Facebook will then unveil its new slogan: "Friend me. (Or else.)"
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And just one more…
CHEERS to naked men dipped in gold. The Oscars will be handed out Sunday night (nominations list is here), with Jimmy Kimmel moving things along briskly for about ten minutes before it all congeals into a molasses-like behemoth that moves at the speed of Eric Trump’s brain cells. Maybe they should add more edge-of-your-seat drama by handing wrong envelopes to more randomly-chosen presenters. It sure perked everyone up during that whole La La Land/Moonlight kerfuffle. For what it’s worth, here are my predictions for what was—and I don’t get to say this often—a good year for movies. (Although I’m still seething over the fact that Beverly Hills Ninja Chihuahua VIII: Trouble in Squeaky Toy Land was denied a Best Picture nod.) The envelopes please...
Picture: Oppenheimer
Actor: Cillian Murphy for Oppenheimer, but I hope Paul Giamatti pulls an upset for The Holdovers
Actress: Lily Gladstone for Killers of the Flower Moon
Supporting Actor: Robert Downey Jr. for John Jacob Oppenheimerschmidt
Supporting Actress: Da’Vine Joy Randolph for The Holdovers
Director: Christopher Nolan for Yeah Oppenheimer Again
Song: What Was I Made For? from Barbie
Everything Else: Cocaine Bear
Meanwhile the Golden Razzies, for worst films and performances, will be handed out tomorrow, and you can check out that list here. I can already tell you who will win Worst Actor: Donald Trump as an empathetic candidate for President of the United States in the box office failure Four More Years Denied.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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