You’re Getting Polled in All Directions
With the exception of that one kid in science class whose time travel experiment went terribly wrong, the first quarter of 2024 is behind us. And that means it's C&J number-crunching time. Every few months we revisit the results of some recent C&J polls to give you a retro-snapshot of just what the hell "you people" were thinking back in the days from January through March, which went real slow until they were over, and now it seems like they went by real fast:
❧ 35 percent of you have been contacted to participate in a politics-related survey by a major pollster.
❧ Only 4 percent agree with Pope Francis that surrogacy is "deplorable" and should be banned.
❧ 82 percent of you are better off now than you were four years ago. Only 11 percent aren't.
❧ President Biden's report card at the three-year mark: 67 percent gave him an A, and 31 percent gave him a B.
Continued...
❧ 93 percent of you say it's past time for the federal government to end its ban on marijuana.
❧ Only two percent of you are eager to sign up for one of Elon Musk's experimental brain chip implants. (I assume because you don’t want to selfishly take the place of someone who’s more eager to get one. How selfless of you!)
❧ 15 percent of you are walking around with a smartphone that has at least one crack in it.
❧ In a rare display of total unity, 100 percent agree with the D.C. Circuit Court's ruling that says the president isn't a king who is above the law.
❧ 98 percent support the $60 billion aid package (still languishing in the House) for Ukraine.
❧ 84 percent of you never imagined when you were younger that the Republican party would end up a raging dumpster fire more loyal to Russia than the United States.
❧ Only 3 percent of you are surprised that former White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson was giving hardcore drugs out to White House staffers like candy with virtually no documentation during the Trump years.
As always, we bow to your superior wisdom. But not too low, because we hear that's tyranny. And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 1, 2024
Note: If your Monday is not 100% satisfactory, we'll happily replace it with a Wednesday for a small restocking fee of as many dollars as you can stuff into this pillowcase at gunpoint. Remember: at Billy Mart, your satisfaction is our 18th priority. 19th if Chuck is in one of his moods again. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Weeks 'til Trump’s Stormy Daniels-related trial starts in New York: 2
Days 'til Dessert Wars in Raleigh, North Carolina: 5
Current inflation rate as of February: 3.2%
Approval among Americans for Israel's military action against Gaza in, respectively, November and today according to Gallup polling: 50%, 36%
Weight of the Statue of Liberty: 450,000 lbs
Weight of the piece of steel sitting on the bow of the ship that hit the Francis Scott Key Bridge last week: 9 million lbs
Age of Oscar-winning actor Louis Gossett Jr. when he died Friday: 87
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Bout ends in a draw…
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CHEERS and JEERS to April. Wikipedia tells me that "The traditional etymology is from the verb aperire, 'to open,' in allusion to its being the season when trees and flowers begin to open." But the modern etymology is from the verb “Gimme that,” in allusion to its being the season when MAGA cultists continue complaining about the federal government while simultaneously threatening another insurrection if they don’t get their government benefits checks on time and in full."
And what a packed month it is. The Biden administration will continue deftly juggling the challenges facing our country with one hand while juggling the egos of our international friends and foes with the other. Major league baseball gets into high gear. (Red Sox are gonna win it all again this year, as they have for the last hundred.) It's Poetry Month, Summer Tire Changeover Month, and Jazz Appreciation Month. Passover starts on the 22nd, but not before another Trump criminal trial gets underway. (Place your bets on how many times this one will be delayed.)
But wait, there’s more! Like a full solar eclipse on the 8th and a "pink moon" on the 23rd, Earth Day, Patriots Day, Arbor Day, National 8-Track Tape Day, and Administrative Professionals Day. But the movie roster looks meh. As a special treat, your taxes are not due on the 15th if you live in Massachusetts or the GREAT STATE OF MAINE—the IRS deadline is the 17th, thus making April slightly less cruel than usual. You take your victories where you can get ‘em.
CHEERS to heavy lifting. The collision with, and collapse of, Baltimore's Francis Scott Key Bridge shocked the country. Now, after assessing the situation and mourning the six bridge workers who died, it's time to crank up the pulse-pounding action music montage as the all-American cleanup gets underway. USA! USA! Steely-eyed Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, chomping on a cigar stub, gave the order (Caution: NSFW): "Clean this motherf*cking mess up with the biggest motherf*cking shit you got." Moments later, America was introduced to the mightiest motherf*cking metal mess-cleaning machines ‘maginable:
Three cranes from the U.S. Navy have arrived in Baltimore to remove submerged portions of the bridge, and a fourth crane is set to arrive next week, the Navy said.
The Chesapeake has a 1,000-ton lift capacity, the Ferrell has a 200-ton lift capacity and the Oyster Bay has a 150-ton lift capacity, the Navy said. […]
"Work will focus on disassembling and removing the bridge section by section. The disassembled pieces will be lifted onto barges, which will then be transported away," the Navy said in a statement. "An additional 12 crane and support vessels to include tugs, survey, dive and crew boats, are in the mobilization process and will arrive to Baltimore in the coming days."
And if those don't work, never fear. There's always Aquaman.
CHEERS to—squeaky squeak!—that clean plate sound. On today’s date in 1889, the first dish washing machine was marketed in Chicago. We have one in our house—a rescue mutt named Haley. Upside: she saves us a bundle on electricity. Downside: poops way more than a Kenmore.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to fun in the sun. 117 years ago this week, in 1917, the U.S. took possession of what are now the U.S. Virgin Islands (not to be confused with the inferior British Virgin Islands) from Denmark for $25 million. Residents there—who are considered U.S. citizens—are allowed to vote in presidential primaries but not the general election. Which is like your parents giving you a scoop of freezer-burned vanilla ice cream on your 5th birthday while your siblings get a big bowl of Chunky Monkey with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, nuts, Oreos, and gummi bears wrapped in hundred-dollar bills. Damn—I thought I'd blotted that day out. Time to text my therapist again.
Ugh to April Fools Day. It's the one day a year we have permission to put our scruples aside, make up wild stories, spew bullshit, and think of endless ways to make people dislike you. Or as anyone wearing a red MAGA hat calls it: Monday.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 1, 2014
CHEERS to crossing the finish line. Last night at the stroke of midnight, the healthcare.gov website turned back into a pumpkin, the navigators turned back into mice, and the 1-800 number was re-directed back to its usual (non-government, I assure you) sex chat line. Ladies and gentlemen, the 2014 Affordable Care Act enrollment period is closed. Anyone who didn't sign up in time (and a helluva lot signed up here in Maine) faces a penalty of a penny. If you haven't got a penny then a hay penny will do. If you haven't got a hay penny, then the death panel is that-a-way. And now a special word from retro-Senator Jim DeMint, circa July 17, 2009:
"This health care issue Is D-Day for freedom in America. If we’re able to stop Obama on this it will be his Waterloo. It will break him."
Silly goose. Looks like someone forgot that our president's full name is Barack Hussein Eisenhower Wellington Obama.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to big balls, little balls, balls balls balls! After a wild weekend of ups and downs and smiles and frowns, your 2024 NCAA Fabulous Four Men's matchups are: UConn vs. Alabama and NC State vs. Purdue. The womenfolk’s final four will be determined tonight. Not many people know this, but I tried to play basketball in school. Didn’t work out. The ball kept destroying my badminton racket.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
For years, we were told Cheers and Jeers causes pimples. Have we been wrong all along?
—USA Today
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