Let’s Play Brain Pinball
The Daily Show’s Desi Lydic watches Fox News to get the real scoop on TFG’s real-estate fraud judgment, and emerges fine I said FINE!!!
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OT: I want the name of her nose hair trimmer.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 3, 2024
Note: As part of his effort to make the Catholic church less stuffy, Pope Francis issues edict allowing the faithful to wear beer hats during mass. Foam at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the first day of Passover: 20
Days 'til The Joy of Sake in New York City: 8
Number of Florida residents who left the state for good in 2022, according to Census data: 500,000
Number of international standards governing "air capture" plants that pull carbon dioxide from the air and store it underground: 0
Percent by which Fidelity cut the value of Twitter in February, putting its total markdown at -73% since Elon Musk took over: 6%
Amount that Trump's Truth Social empire lost last year: $58 million
Age of pop hits The Way We Were, Seasons in the Sun, and Bennie and the Jets as of this year: 50
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 prediction I'm praying comes true). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In Boston, Spencer gets a statue…
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CHEERS to interesting times in the Sunshine State. Well, well, well. The Florida Supreme Court just threw quite a wrench into the 2024 election, with decisions that will both enrage women and energize them to turn out. Pissing them off: the court allowed the MAGA-passed six-week abortion ban to go into effect. Energizing them: the court's green light for a ballot measure that would enshrine abortion rights into the state constitution, putting an end to state ownerships of lady parts for good. And before I forget, the Biden-Harris team is out with a new ad that goes after #45 on abortion, and it's pretty darn good:
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Then there's the ballot question on recreational marijuana that'll probably turn out a sizable wave of leftys and indys looking to finally put an end to the ridiculous prohibition on the demon weed. Yes, indeed. Interesting times in the Sunshine State. Dog catches car. Can’t wait to see what he does with it now.
CHEERS to the new miracle sleep aid. Having trouble reaching a deep, satisfying slumber? Counting sheep and ordinary sleeping pills not working for you? Well, here's good news! Your insomnia will soon be a thing of the past, because…
Retired Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy has a two-volume memoir coming out this fall...
Nighty night. Sweet dreams.
CHEERS to deliverin' the goods. On April 3, 1948, Harry Truman signed The Marshall Plan, which gave $5 billion (and, later, another $7 billion) in aid to sixteen European countries so they could rebuild in the wake of World War II. The result:
Marshall Plan aid allowed the nations of Western Europe to relax austerity measures and rationing, reducing discontent and bringing political stability.
The communist influence on Western Europe was greatly reduced, and throughout the region communist parties faded in popularity in the years after the Marshall Plan.
Lest we forget, the U.S. government under the previous president, with Russian backing, tried to weaken Europe by increasing discontent and fomenting political instability. And Great Britain continues embracing austerity measures, thanks to its disastrous attempt, with Russian backing, to weaken Europe by "Brexiting" from the EU. That's what I find most fascinating about history: the not learning from it part.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to wearing white before Memorial Day. I can't believe it. Just because humankind totally fucks up the world's oceans, rivers, streams, mountains, valleys, air, icecaps and skies, Mother Nature just has to be an asshole by ushering in spring with a near-blizzard in Maine. Here's the latest map from the National Weather Service, a fine socialist-style branch of the federal government:
At its height it's gonna be falling so thick and fast that you won’t be able to see your hand in front of your face. But enough about the blizzard of right-wing drivel about global cooling. We hear the snow’s gonna be pretty deep, too.
CHEERS to the return of America’s favorite pastime. Finally, our ice-encrusted nostrils can detect the smell of Aqua Velva, fresh-cut grass and well-oiled leather. The waves and seventh inning stretches are nigh. The peanuts, the popcorn, the Cracker Jack! The hours spent prying bits of peanuts, popcorn and Cracker Jack out of our teeth! As of last week, shouts of “Play ball!” have returned across the land as the 2024 major league baseball season started, giving us a blessed oasis from the omnipresent political shit storms. Joe Biden didn't throw out the first pitch for the Nationals, but will likely do the deed at some point this year. Trump, you may recall, never touched a baseball at any point during his four year term. For which the baseballs are eternally grateful.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 3, 2014
CHEERS to today's magic number. Mark it down in the history books, America: when the data got crunched on Obamacare sign-ups, you got an A+. Here's the Obamacare guy with the good news:
"Last night, the first open-enrollment period under this law came to an end. And despite several lost weeks out of the gate because of problems with the website, 7.1 million Americans have now signed up for private insurance plans through these marketplaces.
In the end, history is not kind to those who would deny Americans their basic economic security. Nobody remembers well those who stand in the way of America’s progress or our people. And that’s what the Affordable Care Act represents. As messy as it’s been sometimes, as contentious as it’s been sometimes, it is progress."
So that's that. For the rest of the election season, Democrats can go on the offensive about Obamacare with a simple message: "We tamed a wildly abusive health insurance industry and gave you new rights and benefits at a more affordable price—and oh, by the way, people lined up around the block to sign up for it." Then force Republicans to fight on our turf by talking about a minimum wage hike, massive public-sector jobs expansion, restoration of long-term unemployment benefits, and immigration reform. And play some Sousa in the background. Can't miss with Sousa.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to them's who crossed the finish line first. It's a well-established fact by now that C&J's "Who won the week" poll, introduced 16 years ago this week, is considered America's 500-pound gorilla of weekly polls. I can't really remember what inspired me to create the first one, but today it's a feel-good feature that stands shoulder-to-shoulder with such time-honored American traditions as stickball, setting pies on window sills to cool, and following Republican shitbag presidents with competent and humble Democratic presidents who clean up their messes. As we leave behind the first quarter of 2024, let's take a moment to review the winners from January through March:
Jan 5 The flight crew and passengers who helped everyone make it out of Japan Airlines Flight 516 alive after it collided with another plane and caught fire at the airport in Tokyo
Jan 12 Democrats on the House Oversight Committee, for using the Republicans' own previous words and actions to humiliate them during the Hunter Biden contempt hearing
Jan 19 President Biden: targets excessive bank overdraft fees; leads response to shipping attacks by Houthis; forgives $5B in student debt; record-setting $97 million reelection haul in 4th quarter
Jan 26 Judge Lewis Kaplan, for keeping a tight leash on Trump during the E. Jean Carroll damages trial case...and the jury for making him pay $83 million
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Feb 2 President Biden: polls up, inflation down; visits autoworkers in Michigan; finds way to bypass Congress to send Ukraine more aid
Feb 9 Rep. Al Green (D-TX), for showing up in hospital gown and socks after abdominal surgery to vote against the bogus impeachment of DHS Secretary Mayorkas, crushing GOP hopes of a cheap victory lap
Feb 16 New York Attorney General Letitia James, and Judge Arthur Engoron, for doling out the punishment the Trump crime syndicate deserves for tax fraud: $464 million and a ban on doing business in New York for 2-3 years
Feb 23 President Biden: forgives another 150k student loans; A+ response to Navalny murder; adds record $42 million to campaign coffers in Jan.; lands #14 spot on greatest presidents list as economy continues to hum
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Mar 1 The thousands of Russians who turned out for Alexei Navalny's funeral and burial in defiance of Putin
Mar 8 President Biden: announces emergency-relief port on Gaza coast; delivers fiery State of the Union; boffo 275k jobs report defies expectations
Mar 15 President "Jacked-Up" Joe Biden---enjoys post-SOTU accolades as he clinches the Democratic nomination for a well-deserved second term
Mar 22 House Democrats, for ruining the MAGA-run Biden impeachment hearing and then providing the votes to overcome MAGA obstructionists and keep the government funded
Mar 29 The outpouring of outrage, led by livid MSNBC hosts, that got NBC News's hiring of insurrection cheerleader and pathological liar Ronna McDaniel reversed
Here’s some WWTW Poll trivia: "Senator" Barack Obama won our first poll back in 2008, and by the time he left office he'd won 84 polls voted on by the Daily Kos community, making him indisputably first in the hearts of our countrymen. (Sorry, George Washington, but we're just not into your "uniformity in weights and measures" shtick anymore.)
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Bill in Portland Maine hasn't targeted a judge's daughter or sold a single Bible. What a LOSER!
—Rex Huppke
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