Monday Moment of George de Vivre
Raise a glass of whatever ya got handy and wish a Happy Birthday to the late George Carlin, who would've turned 87 yesterday. He spent many a glorious decade dissecting language, culture, politics and human nature, wielding a comedic scalpel and jackhammer with equal dexterity. All the reason we need to take a moment to revisit a smidgen of the Carlin moments that made Carlin Carlin:
”I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.”
“Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked.”
“Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?”
“Let’s start with faith-based, which was chosen by the right-wing holy people to replace the word religion in political contexts. In other words, they’ve conceded that religion has a bad name. I guess they figured people worry about religious fanatics, but no one’s ever heard of a faith-based fanatic.”
“Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.”
”I read that some guy was giving up the governor’s chair to run for a Senate seat. Why would he give up a chair to run for a seat? Why not be a judge and sit on the bench?”
“No comment” is a comment.
And from his “Rules to Live By” in Brain Droppings, that could be today’s MAGA cult playbook:
10. Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn’t work. Cling to it even when it is hopeless. Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to stay with something that doesn’t work.
14. Beware of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you into trouble. Instead, try to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion. Don’t get sidetracked by some foolish “plan.”
15. Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want. Don’t be seduced by that mindless chatter going around about “responsibility.” That’s exactly the sort of thing that can ruin your life.
Here endeth the lesson. Happy birthday, George.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, May 13, 2024
Note: Today is Monday the 13th. Some people have said that it's not an unlucky day like Friday the 13th. May they rest in peace.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next full "flower moon": 10
Days 'til Chocolate Fest in Long Grove, Illinois: 4
Current expected rate of economic growth in the second quarter: 3%
First-time unemployment claims announced last week, up 22k and still the lowest since 1970: 231,000
Amount recently allocated by the feds to help track and treat the H5N1 "bird flu" on dairy farms: $101 million
Estimated number of beekeepers in the U.S.: 200,000
Percent chance that 18-year-old Winslow, Maine beekeeper Lainey Bell is the 2024 American Honey Princess: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: If you say so, Reader's Digest. If you say so…
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CHEERS to today's patriotic words from…HIM???? Yes, friends. Up is down, black is white, hot is cold, and wet is dry as America's worst citizen experiences a brief moment of lucidity and goes woke:
Former President Donald Trump, who previously vowed to get rid of mail-in ballots because he claimed they cause “crooked elections,” has apparently reversed his stance on absentee and early voting.
In a new video posted to the former president’s Truth Social platform, Trump says that “absentee voting, early voting and election day voting are all good options” and encourages his Republican base to “make a plan, register and vote.” It’s the latest development in Trump and the Republican party’s complete reversal on early voting and voting by mail, after years of saying both voting methods lead to widespread election fraud.
But here's the thing. MAGA cultists in red states, now fired up about voting early and by mail thanks to their cult leader's sudden about-face, are about to find out that MAGA cult leaders in their state government set up so many hurdles to clear that they'll just give up and go back to watching Fox News from inside the comfort of their super-size bags of pork rinds. Democrats, on the other hand, have already been educated about the hurdles, and will be prepared to clear them with the dexterity of an Olympic pole-vaulter. Thus reinforcing our noble opposition's motto: Republicans—there is no furniture of our own making that we won’t bump into.
CHEERS to order in the court. Having briefly showered him with a smattering of praise, we now return to shitting on America's worst citizen, and for good reason: he's America's worst citizen. And today criminal defendant Donald J. Trump will be sitting in the Bad Person Chair again as another witness spills the beans on his illegal scheme to influence the outcome of 2016 election, bringing him another day closer to prison. Today's bean spiller is a big one—Trump's former "fixer" Michael Cohen:
Now six years removed from being a key confidante to Trump, Cohen has emerged as the Republican presidential candidate's de facto arch nemesis. In books, podcasts and on social media, he has become among Trump's most ardent critics. […]
Cohen's role is to tell the court that Trump understood that records related to reimbursement checks to Cohen would be falsified in order to cover up the fact that they were tied to the purchase of Stormy Daniels' story. […]
Cohen's testimony marks the home stretch of the prosecution's case, nearly a month after this trial began. … Many of the exhibits and witnesses called by prosecutors were geared toward bolstering Cohen before Trump's attorneys attack his credibility.
Difficult prediction: he'll stay cool and calm, and won’t be goaded by the defense lawyers into popping off. Easy prediction: While Cohen's on the stand, Trump won’t get a moment's sleep.
HEERS to the Holy Grail of philately. On May 13, 1918, the first 24-cent stamps featuring the Curtiss Jenny biplane—the aircraft chosen to inaugurate the U.S.'s new air mail service—reached post offices. Collectors heard that some of the stamps—100 by current estimates—could be rare "inverts," so they fanned out to find them. Some were successful in locating one of these:
Today the stamps are worth approximately one bazillion dollars. Or, put another way, approximately one bazillion dollars more than the current value of Trump Media stock.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the "Mad" Father of Broadcasting. 117 years ago yesterday, Wireless Broadcasting was patented (#887,357) by Kentucky farmer Nathan B. Stubblefield. It, and he, looked something like this:
They called the early years of radio "golden" for a reason. Joe Rogan hadn't signed on yet.
CHEERS and JEERS to workin' out the bugs. Some news from the world of bionic brains. The implant developed by Elon Musk's Neuralink company has been causing some concern in the first person to have one put in. (By a worm wearing a lab coat, who I'm assured by Mr. Musk has a medical degree from one of the finer Cayman Islands P.O. boxes.) But everything seems to be slowly getting back on track, though patient Noland Arbaugh isn't quite out of the woods yet. Good sign: he no longer thinks Twitter is anything but a cesspool. Bad sign: he just requested a sales brochure for a Cybertruck.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 13, 2014
JEERS to today's boring correction. The gang of heavily-armed men in designer Oakley sunglasses "guarding" the Cliven Bundy compound has been billed as a patriotic, freedom-loving, self-reliant militia protecting a simple rancher from tyranny. This characterization is in error. They are actually a bunch of deadbeat taker-moochers begging for handouts while protecting a simple imbecile from paying his taxes. Please make a note of it.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to false alarms. Friday night after I was done splashing in the C&J kiddie pool (Stormy Daniels was the victor in our "Who won the week?" poll, by the way), I took the dog out to pee…and encountered a nightmarish vision in the sky that could only be described as Joseph's Technicolor Nuclear Winter in the Circle of Hell Occupied by the Evil Pantone People. As I ran inside to simultaneously write out my will and load my shotgun, I suddenly remembered that Maine was due for a rare visit from Aurora Borealis—the fabled Northern Lights. So I ran back outside to look up at the heavens, this time in awe and wonder. There was a fair amount of light pollution (our neighbors' second-floor bathroom night light is apparently a 5,000 watt behemoth), but it was still wild to see the late-night sky a celestial tapestry of purple and pink, waving o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.
The best pic I saw—by far—was Ben Williamson's shot taken from the tower of Portland Head Light (commissioned back in the day by George Washington):
And with a single image, a photographer introduces a new outdoor party sensation along America’s coastlines: disco lighthouses. And we become, once again, an exceptional nation.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
I didn’t need a mental image of Bill in Portland Maine wearing water wings. And I absolutely didn’t need to hear a Fox News host refer to the kiddie pool splasher as “a sex god.” But here we are, in America in the year 2024. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’d very much like to leave the planet.
—Rex Huppke
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