Let us take a moment to celebrate the man. The inimitable Rudy. The inescapable Rudy. The unsinkable Rudy.
Let us celebrate him with a smile—and perhaps, a tear.
Rudy is in many ways a tragic hero. A Ulysses on his way home, forced to overcome a million obstacles (most of his own doing), in order to return home to his loving wife, who is also his cousin.
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OK, hero might not be the right word.
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I know some of you will say “Rudy did bad things in the 80s, 90s, 2000s and right now. This very minute he’s probably up to something gross and/or evil.
This is true. Rudy was and is a Bad Man.
But I have to say- is he that bad now? Setting aside his wild, racist conspiracy theories and his directing goons to harass election officials, which is admittedly a lot, he’s not that bad. Not because he doesn’t want to be, but because he’s terribly ineffective.
The GOP is the Ancient Mariner. Rudy is the albatross.
Did Rudy help Donald’s election interference cause?
No.
No
No
No
To recap, no.
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What Rudy has been good at is providing us with years of entertainment.
Thousands of years from now, Rudy will live on as a myth and as a cautionary tale.
Because his life is so pathetic he must have pissed off God. Or a god. Or multiple gods! I can see them sitting around Olympus:
Zeus on his throne, “Are you all seeing this? This fucking guy.”
Aphrodite’s like, “I’ve been trying to tell you”
Athena says, “Duh”
Dionysius wanders in, “Eh, not so bad”
“Shut up dumbass!” — everyone else.
And then most of them put their heads together to deliver this man their curse. The vain and foolish man with a bottomless need for fame, would be condemned to eternal negative fame as punishment.
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The moment when the curse became real was when Joe Biden delivered possibly the most devastating zinger ever uttered:
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But Rudy survived! Despite his lackluster presidential run, he soldiered on.
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I don’t need to go over every embarrassing story. The Borat 2 scene. The Maskless Singer performance. The fact that he just got arrested on his birthday, at a party, hours after bragging that he wouldn’t be caught in time. You know all this stuff. You probably can remember dozens of other embarrassing episodes that come with the territory of being an elderly lecher that’s drunk all the time.
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No one in American history has ever survived this level of rabid venality and haplessness. It’s normally lethal to be this clueless at life, even if you’re rich. That’s impressive. We should be impressed.
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We’ll miss him when he’s gone. Let’s be real, MTG and Mike Lindell are broken records. Lauren Boebert is fading fast. Trump is still dangerous. Don Jr. and Eric just aren’t that funny. Rudy may not be the hero we deserve, but he’s the assclown that we need.