From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Al Franken's book, The Truth (with jokes) comes out today. A preview:
Iraq: They told us that when we invaded, we'd be greeted with sweets and flowers. They left out the crucial modifier: "exploding."
Gay marriage: George W. Bush wants to amend our Constitution to make it illegal for gays to marry. But evidently, he has no problem with terrorists getting married. America can't afford a president who is soft on terrorist marriage. Because unlike gays, terrorists can breed.
Bill Frist diagnosing Terri Schiavo from 800 miles away: The FristCam Act of 2005 would place a video camera in every one of America's Intensive Care Units. The FristCams would pan the ICUs, and the Senate Majority Leader would give each patient a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down.
Bush's 9/11 bait and switch: Bin Laden must have been furious. Here he had gone to all this trouble to murder thousands of Americans, and Saddam---Saddam, the infidel!---was getting all the credit! Who was the head of al Qaeda?! Who was funding al Qaeda?! Somewhere along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border there was a very angry terrorist mastermind.
Moral values: From what I understand, if you cut out all the passages in the Bible where Jesus talks about the poor, about helping out the least among us, you'd have the perfect container to smuggle Rush Limbaugh's drugs in.
The Social Security "crisis": The number Bush kept using, $11 trillion, represented the total shortfall from now until the year Infinity. If you think about it, $11 trillion over Infinity years is nothing. Over the first 11 trillion years, that's just one dollar a year. Easy. After that, it's over. You're done. What, exactly, is the problem?
Instead of getting it online or from a mega outlet, why not snag a copy at your local bookseller? Lord knows we need `em.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Note: Please come back later. Brownie and I are still eating our dinner. Oh, Mike, your oat bread is fab-o!
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Thanksgiving: 30
World Series standing: White Sox lead the Astros 2 games to 0
Numbers of friends the average guy will make over his lifetime: 396
Number he'll manage to keep along the way: 33
(Source: Men's Health)
Amount the judge in the Tom DeLay case donated to Democrats: $6,675
Amount DeLay's own lawyer gave to Democrats: $15,800
(Source: Huffington Post)
Current price of Google stock: 1 googlezillion dollars per share
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day Here's a living arrangement Rick Santorum hasn't condemned yet: wallaby and dog. Oops, spoke too soon...his press release is coming over the fax machine now.
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CHEERS to the Conch Republic. In C&J's vacation spot, Key West, residents (9 out of 10 who didn't follow mandatory evacuation orders) got quite a scare by the flood surge caused by hurricane Wilma. But as the waters ebb and cleanup begins, the laid-back residents take it all in stride: "With this nice breeze, why, she'll dry out by tonight." Well, at least until the bars re-open.
CHEERS to a voice of justice and reason. Republican moonbat Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson insists that White House leakers should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Especially if it's perjury:
"[S]omething needs to be said that is a clear message that our rule of law is intact and the standards for perjury and obstruction of justice are not gray. And I think it is most important that we make that statement and that it be on the record for history.
I very much worry that with the evidence that we have seen that grand juries across America are going to start asking questions about what is obstruction of justice, what is perjury. And I don't want there to be any lessening of the standard. Because our system of criminal justice depends on people telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. That is the lynch pin of our criminal justice system and I don't want it to be faded in any way."
C&J salutes the Senator's hardscrabble commitment to the rule of law, and we encourage you to visit her new web site: Jailforperjurers.com. What a gal!
JEERS to the Associated Press. Tom DeLay's lawyer told bald-faced lies about Texas judge Bob Perkins, who is presiding over The Hammer's trial. The news agency then printed the story without fact-checking. [Sigh]...one more time: there are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and GOP liars.
P.S. Karen "Man Hands" Hughes is also a big fat liar, saying Saddam gassed "hundreds of thousands" of Kurds when the actual number was closer to 5,000. After she was corrected, she repeated the lie two more times. What is it with these people??
CHEERS to Rosa Parks. Dead at 92 after a lifetime of saying "Thhhppptttt!!" to being treated as a second-class citizen (but, as Josh points out, not as spontaneously as you might think). No bus ride to Heaven for you, ma'am. You get a stretch limo...the one with the hot tub.
CHEERS to hobnobbin' with Howard. Saturday night Michael and I attended the Jefferson-Jackson Dinner at the Lewiston Armory (where the greatest sports photo of all time was taken a few years back). Howard Dean---visiting his 33rd state since becoming DNC chair---was the keynote speaker, and fired up the faithful. I gave a printout of your comments (all 70 pages of `em) to DNC Deputy Press Secretary for Regional and Specialty Media Damien LaVera, who promised to enact each and every idea as soon as we take back the White House and/or Congress. For the record, I called dibs on the Lincoln bedroom.
JEERS to the sense of humor-deprived. Some right-wingers went all frothy-loopy over Al Franken's appearance on David Letterman Friday night. And now the White House is (seriously!) going after The Onion for its parodies of the president's weekly radio address. Laughter: the Great Satan.
CHEERS (I guess) to the passing of the piggybank. President Bush, having run out of cronies to promote, announces that he wants Ben Bernanke to be the next Chairman of the Federal Reserve. Says Democratic Senator Chuck Schumer: "We need a careful, non-ideological person who understands that the Federal Reserve's main job is to fight inflation and Ben Bernanke seems to fit that bill." But about those rumors you plan to have Alan Greenspan stuffed and mounted in the lobby...?
JEERS to the $800 toilet seat: The Sequel. Oh, we're so---yawn---surprised by a Knight Ridder investigation that found the Pentagon is wasting millions of dollars on overpriced equipment. Their `Exhibit A': 85-cent ice cube trays that went for 20 bucks. Now, before you blow a gasket, lemme tell you something. An ice tray is sacred to the dedicated rum and Coke drinker. It is a priceless artifact. Twenty bucks?? Cheapskates.
CHEERS to musical mammaries. A British company is developing technology that will allow women to have an mp3 music system in their breast implants. One boob would hold the player, and the other would hold the music library. Now, what could possibly serve as the volume-control knob? Hmmm... Hmmm...
CHEERS to the non-bamboozleable generation. (as told to us by a co-worker) Michael Heath, leader of the right-wing Christian Civic League of Maine, was explaining to some high school students last week why it was important to overturn Maine's new gay rights law in the November 8 referendum vote. He then related a story of how a Lebanese gas station attendant he'd met earlier that morning agreed with him. Heath's moral of the story left the kids speechless:
"So if a Lebanese person gets it..."
Today there's a new plaque in the lobby that reads: Welcome to Cape Elizabeth High School. Home of the Great Swirlie of `05.
CHEERS to eerie timing. One the same day that Fitzgerald's indictments might come down, we note that 82 years ago a Senate committee published its first report on the Teapot Dome scandal (this political cartoon was popular back then). Second-worst Republican president ever Warren Harding's cronies were allowing private companies to lease government oil reserves from public land in Wyoming. As a result of the investigation, Interior Secretary Albert Fall became the first cabinet member to go to jail. And with any luck, that cell will soon be filled to capacity.
CHEERS to a good scare. Last Friday USA Today posted their list of the Top Ten Haunted towns in America. Maine's entry creeped us out:
"In 1949, the towns of Dead River and Flagstaff were flooded when a dam was built on the Dead River," Torkells says. "If you canoe on Flagstaff Lake, and the water is low enough, you'll see building foundations, cellar holes, even artifacts. It's pretty creepy. The ghost of an elderly resident, who refused to leave after the flood, is reported to be hanging around.
Thanks. That'll fill my nightmare calendar for a few weeks.
CHEERS to Kansas. Without it, The Wizard of Oz wouldn't be the same. And the bonus-bulging 3-disc DVD set of the 1939 classic---out today---is a must-have. Also on today's release schedule: Tales from the Crypt, Season 2, Bewitched, and something called Strip for Your Killer. In my case, it's the one sure-fire way to make him flee.
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One Year Ago in C&J: October 25, 2004...
JEERS to blood money. Bush wants $70 billion more for his little war in Iraq. His entire cabinet has been instructed to go out and get a second job to help pay for it, so don't be surprised if Donald Rumsfeld serves up your next Blizzard ("Do we have sprinkles? Gosh yes!").
CHEERS to the crowded sidelines. The Cleveland Plain Dealer---which was poised to endorse Bush last Sunday over the objections of its editorial board---flip flops and joins the growing list of 2000 Bush endorsers sitting this election out. And look at page 13A: Dear Abby just advised Cheney to go fuck himself.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to barracudas with crayons. If you ever want to take the true pulse of a scandal, just find out what the political cartoonists are drawing. Take a look at how they savage a certain Karl "Dick" Rove. And people think bloggers are ruthless??
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial
"Bill in Portland Maine was a blur of blinks, taps, jiggles, pivots and shifts...the body language of a man wishing urgently to be elsewhere."
--Dana Milbank
The Washington Post