Each of the terms in that title are words in the modern lexicon of dialogue. They mean something in context that is different than the literal meaning of the words. They are short-hand forms of speech used by many people, especially young people, when they are having intimate conversations with people they know well. Two diaries had included STFU! in their titles last month. The second was a rebuttal of the first. The meaning of STFU! is heavily dependent on the relational context of speaker and listener. In some contexts, such as here at Daily Kos, STFU can be read as extremely dismissive, insulting, and hostile, For some readers the term may even trigger memories of verbal abuse by a parent, teacher, partner or spouse.The power of the vernacular term STFU! is apparent in the way both ironic diaries express an urgent desire for more authentic connection. That aspect of vernacular is the focus of this diary.
Dear Men, STFU!
The first diary is ironic because in choosing a provocative title, the author deliberately invited attacks on himself and his desire to discuss male complicity in sexual violence. That is a man, doing some very heavy lifting, in terrain where angels fear to tread. It is an urgent call to men to practice being present, as a witness, to embrace the unspoken along with the spoken as women tell their personal stories.
STFU! Really?
The second diary is also ironic because the author's admissions include an implicit willingness to be vulnerable. He may be willing to hear the direct experience of another human being but he's not sure because vernacular like STFU! shuts him down. For him, and many others who recommended the diary, STFU! is a trigger that impedes their ability to engage. It's a trigger that takes them out of the present and shifts their internal focus to ugly memories of the past, when someone in authority made them sit there and be quiet while being lectured. It might recall to mind the relative helplessness of a child or a teen verbally battered by a parent or teacher who uses violence in their words and demeanor to berate and humiliate them. Those wounds are on the inside. Harsh words don't leave a bruise on the body, but they can leave a mark on the soul.
For the second author, STFU in the title was so repulsive, he didn't even bother to R-T-F-D. Yet, he wrote a compelling rebuttal. Both authors received hundreds of recommends and vigorous participation in the comment threads.
This diary is dedicated to Empty Vessel and gjohnsit.
Context matters
The actual meaning of these words and phrases depends heavily on context. Let’s begin with the urban dictionary.
Get Out!
Expression of disbelief, usually over something too good to be true. A phrase containing 'get out' usually ends with an exclamation point.
Bruno: And so all of the digits matched! That's 2.5 million right there, dude!
Ed: Get out! That's awesome!
In some contexts and in formal speech, “get out” usually means "leave this space immediately!" But in modern vernacular it can be an expression of joy. The context changes the meaning entirely.
An important aspect of context is the level of intimacy between the parties to the conversation. Most of us drop many rules of formal conversation when we are speaking to people we care about, when we are speaking to intimates. Many conversations this past week about sexual violence and misogyny involved very personal disclosures. IMO, many of the derailments involved an obvious desire to avoid frank disclosure of intimate violence. Some of those objecting, diverting, changing the subject, were deliberately and persistently attempting to shut the conversation down. They constitute an implicit rejection of the right to have such intimate conversations on the internet.
The most versatile word in the English language
Consider various uses of “fuck” listed in the urban dictionary. Many people still object to its use, as profanity, because for hundreds of years speaking directly about sex was considered profane.
fuck
1. The universally recognized "F word"
2. N. Implying complete and utter confusion
3. N. a really stupid person
4. V. To procreate
5. adj. Can be used to modify any word for more passion
6. Int. Expresses disgust
7. Int. Expresses complete suprise and joy (sic)
8. adv. Can be used to make a command more urgent
The F-word adds context-dependent richness to informal expressions of emotional experience. Compare, "That's so ridiculous I can hardly believe it!" with "WTF?!" The short-hand acronym is much easier to say and to type. In contrast, as used down below in the diary, "WTF is a trigger?" is used simultaneously to a) liven up a technical explanation, b) to soften emotional tone, and c) to signal tacit recognition that some readers may need a patient teacher to help them grasp the unfamiliar concepts. In that context, WTF is used as an informal invitation to learn, along the lines of, "Are you confused about this term? Don't worry! You're not alone. I won't diss you or make fun of your ignorance. If you engage here and read this, I will help you. I'll break it down for you." The context transforms the meaning of WTF? from shock and ridicule or outrage to a welcoming invitation to engage. Written expressions of WTF and STFU have diverse meanings that depend on the informal nature of the author-reader relationship.
In 2014 the vast majority of the time, when people include the word fuck in their expressions, they mean something far removed from fornication. To reject its many forms in modern vernacular is essentially a demand that formal language be used as a threshold for conversation.
The effect is to limit speech because it declares “out of bounds” many ways that people speak to each other in casual conversations they have with people they know well. A rejection of informal speech often amounts to a dismissal of “the other” as unworthy of serious attention. In many contexts a rejection of vernacular includes an implicit assertion of superiority. In our context, in diaries and comment threads over the past week, a rejection of the expression STFU! was often an assertion that intimate conversation about violence against women can be interrupted and dismissed without consequence.
The title Dear men, STFU! conveys a deep desire for less belligerence and bluster. It includes an implicit invitation to men to set aside everything they thought they already knew about sexual violence and focus on someone telling their story. To be present as if you could actually walk in someone else's shoes for awhile. Dear men, STFU! is an invitation to become more authentic, more intimate, to keep listening even when you don't understand. The diary models for men how common habits interfere with what many men and women want, the experience of being heard. It is an invitation to stop debating, stop problem solving, stop asking "How did this happen?" It's an invitation specifically to men, to practice, here at Daily Kos, listening to someone important, a wife, a daughter, a partner, a friend as they tell their stories, in their own vernacular and on their own terms, rather than demanding that they first conform to yours before you'll even "let them" begin.
Dear men, STFU! is an invitation to bear witness.
In the second diary the author took offense to the title and admits he is rebutting a diary that he didn't read. He states clearly why STFU! is a barrier to engagement, for him. It stands in his way. He doesn't get why other people saw the same term, STFU! as an invitation to engage more deeply. There is some merit to his rant and many Kossacks agreed. He calls us to be more aware of how violence creeps into our vernacular where it doesn't belong.
On the other hand, if someone can't be bothered to read the diary, and then posts a rebuttal anyway, are they even ready to listen? Isn't that just having an argument with their own imagination? Did he want active dialogue? It's not clear. He honestly admits to a significant laziness about the topic of sexual violence, and for that, many readers dismissed his point of view. But wait. That means an author took time to articulate his outrage against what he imagines about a topic he admits he doesn't understand, a topic he can't be bothered to read about. The experience has been so bad for him that it makes Daily Kos seem like a worthless place to be. To his credit he didn't just leave. He invited witnesses to the conversation he’s been having in his head up to now. I stand in awe of such courage.
STFU! Really? is an invitation to bear witness to the way violence in language interferes with intimacy.
Listening to the violence in our words and the silence between them
George Carlin made an important point about the way euphemisms {insert the video} dilute and diminish our ability to describe a state of extreme pain and distress. In recent weeks, I’ve read posts by Kossacks I respect that show they have little or no comprehension of trauma. There was a diary about trigger warnings in which some Kossacks said they think people who talk about triggers are ginning up faux outrage. The ignorance on display was alarming.
I felt embarrassed for them and very disappointed. How could my progressive brethren be so clueless? I suppressed an urge to reply that they should STFU.
Does it ALWAYS matter?
Why?
As disappointing as it was to read those comments, they weren’t hijacking the diary. They weren’t posting the same assertions again and again across multiple diaries with no respect for the topic of the diary. They were participating in a discussion and they honestly didn’t know that their flat rejection of the entire concept could be hurtful to those who cope with PTSD every fucking day. Their honesty exposed a vulnerability and their courage. They were willing to expose their internal dialogue to public scrutiny. They were earnest enough to say, “Looks like BS to me. I don’t get it.” I cherish and respect that willingness to engage the topic.
I raise my hat to all the women who have shared their stories here and in the #YesAllWomen Twitter campaign. I thank all those who stood with them and supported them. The two diaries I'm defending both deal with the hidden ways that violence creeps into our vernacular and shuts down authentic dialogue.
This is why I read Daily Kos. It's why I blog about gun law here. And it's why we'll listen to your story even when you don't R-T-F-D.
Thanks for reading.
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