ISIS and Their Crusade: They're Late for a Reason

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Thursday December 18, 2014 · 7:53 AM PST

2014/12/18 · 07:53

Not a day goes by without reading a news account or editorial piece in which the author is outraged and shocked by the brutality of ISIS, the mass murdering jihadists who seek to establish a radical Muslim caliphate throughout the Middle East. Both the outrage and shock are understandable, coming from people who are relatively safe and secure. But it is time we all stand back a bit and put these religious zealots and their behavior in historical perspective. It might just help temper our actions as we move forward.

Consider for a moment the Catholic Crusades that lasted for well over two centuries at the beginning of the last millennium, wherein millions of Muslims and Jews and heretics were mass murdered throughout Europe and the Middle East, all in the name of Jesus. That was the height of Catholic glory, and their power ran rampant for the following 500 years, controlling despots, engaging in genocide, conquering lands all over the globe, raking in gold, their power entirely unchecked. That is, until 1517 when Martin Luther got the Catholic ball rolling downhill with his 95 complaints about the church. 130 years later, the Treaty of Westphalia in 1648 diminished the power of the church forever more, putting control instead in the hands of monarchs and dictators all throughout Europe. Nation states in the west have been largely in control of their affairs ever since, and the role of religion has been relegated to charity and all of the various marginalized positions we've come to think of when we consider the church. This diminished power of the church led to the Enlightenment, as people were free to consider science, philosophy and politics. Farsighted, liberal thinkers like John Locke and Jean-Jacques Rousseau devised the underpinning ideas of democracy, the very principles of a government wherein the power lies in the hands of its citizens, thereby protecting them from tyrannical despots. There have been exceptions to this rule, of course, but the point here is that the power of the church, and subsequently governments with absolute power, were checked.

Fast forward three centuries. ISIS and its radical Muslim brethren are really no different from the Catholic church of 1000 years ago, raping, pillaging, killing and controlling millions in the name of their religious dogma. The western world has been free during that time to move on, to where today the Catholic church was placed firmly in the margin where it should be, its Pope engaged in nothing much more than applauding behind the scenes as a democratically elected U.S. President normalizes relations with a long time adversary.

We must ask ourselves how this knowledge of western progress can affect our actions today in the Middle East. There are several ways. First, it can force us to consider what happens to a people when they are so long abused as have been those in the Middle East: Shortly after the Crusades came the European imperialists, exploiting Middle Eastern culture for financial gain, arrogantly redrawing political borders without thought of tribal affiliations. That lasted through the 19th century, nearly up to the beginning of the Cold War, when the U.S.S.R. and the U.S. began policies of keeping dictators in power to ensure loyalty and open markets all along the southern border of the Soviet Union. Then came big oil. Don't forget oil. To get as much of it as possible, the U.S. supported Saddam Hussein throughout the 1980's during the Iraq-Iran war, building up his army to keep a balance of power and ensure that the oil flowed steadily out of the Gulf of Jormuz. Following that, the U.S. decided to bring Saddam down to size and suckered him into invading Kuwait with promises that we would do nothing while he rightfully got back the gold Kuwait had stolen from him. Then, for the following decade, we kept troops in Mecca, the holiest of Muslim cities. That brought about an understandably extreme response on Sept. 11, 2001, which allowed a corrupt regime in the U.S. a chance to grab even more oil by invading Iraq. And there we are today, with ISIS running rampant throughout the region, a land in chaos reminiscent of the middle ages. And why? Because they are stuck right where the west put them, and if we don't understand that, we can never hope to help facilitate their advancement. Obviously, we hope to see diminished religious power, a rise in democracy, but we cannot force that upon them. It has to come from within. The sad truth is, democracy is a lot like what the Supremes said about love, you can't hurry it.

As with nearly everything Barack Obama has done since he took the Presidency, he is proceeding prudently in the Middle East. His reluctance to put "boots on the ground" is wise. The people of Iraq, Syria, Iran, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Afghanistan must put a check on these religious zealots themselves, albeit with financial support and military training from the west, but they've got to develop and move forward on their own power. That's the way the western world moved on from the middle ages. No one did it for them, and it didn't happen overnight. We've just got to remember as we go that the elitist, calloused, thoughtless behavior of the European imperialists, the U.S. and the USSR, must never again occur. If the Middle East progresses at the pace of the West, perhaps our great grandchildren will see the establishment of stable democracies throughout the region. If we follow President Obama's course, supporting dialogue and opening borders, there's a chance it might happen sooner. We've just got to be wary of the chicken hawks in Washington who would characterize the President's prudence and thoughtful caution as weakness. We've taken a big step forward, let's not turn back now.

Haldon Richardson is a teacher and a writer at beyondthelineshaldonrichardson.sportsblog.com. Please like him on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/... on Google + at: https://plus.google.com/... and on twitter at: https://twitter.com/... and on the Daily Kos at http://www.dailykos.com/...

Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Urban Meyer to Wed

Haldon Richardson

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Monday December 08, 2014 · 11:15 AM PST

2014/12/08 · 11:15

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg shocked the world Tuesday when she announced her upcoming nuptials with Ohio State University football coach, Urban Meyer. Said, Ginsburg, "I know this is sudden, and believe me, my heart operation made the whole notion of a wedding even more difficult, but I just feel like Urban and I are meant for each other. We both feel that way. I suppose you could say we ignore things the same way. We're both just utterly blind to everything around us. Me? I'm in remarkably poor health, knocking on death's proverbial door, and I should have resigned my seat on the bench a year ago, that is, if I really cared about the good of the country. I mean, let's face it, with Fat Cat Scalia, his lap dog Thomas, Alito, Kennedy and Roberts at the helm, we're going to continue experiencing horrors like their Presidential election coup in 2000, giving away elections to the highest bidder, concentrating even more power at the top, and we'll continue to condone racist voting policies throughout the racist south, given the court's decision to tear apart the Voting Rights Act and discontinue federal oversight of elections in the south. All this nonsense just slipped my mind. I didn't see it coming. Now, here we are, a right wing senate about to be sworn in, offering Barack little or no chance of putting another thoughtful person in the court. Hey. I missed it. So sue me. And Urban? Dear, sweet Urban. I call him my little Pope Urban IV. What a doll. And thoughtless? Just like me. When he was coaching down in Florida, his tight end, what was his name, Aaron Hernandez, began his killing spree, beating up people, killing, raping, but Urban had no clue. What a hoot. Aaron played, you know it. And you'd better believe the Gators won. And now that Urban's at OSU? Well it looks like this lastest tragedy with the suicide of poor Kosta Karageorge is the direct result of several concussions over his career during practice, because Karageorge never played in a game. The poor kid was depressed and confused and took his own life. Did Coach Meyer see any of this? You know he didn't. If he had, he would have, well, I'm not sure what he would have done. But I do know this: Urban Meyer and I are meant for each other. We're just so consumed with the little things, we can't pay attention to all that other stuff. So damn the torpedos, boys, full speed ahead."

Redskins, Redhawks. What's In a Name? Plenty.

Haldon Richardson

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Monday December 08, 2014 · 11:08 AM PST

2014/12/08 · 11:08

Everyone sing! "Hail to the Redhawks. Hail victory. Birds on the warpath, dah, de, dah, de, de."

With the great Cowboys win two weeks behind us now and the quarterback controversy following the Minnesota debacle, talk about changing Washington's beloved team nickname has been put on the back burner, if you will. The Skins had a bus wreck in Minnesota (literally and figuratively), a quarterback wreck, a defensive wreck, and came limping back home with six losses under their collective belt. The most striking thing that happened in Minnesota, however, wasn’t on the field or in a wrecked bus. It was in the bleachers and out in the Viking's parking lot, where Native American protesters angrily challenged Washington fans, both children and adults, chastised and berated them, chanting, “We’re not your mascot!” So there you have it: Actual, living proof that there are people who deeply resent Washington’s team name and find it insulting to their culture. But is there anyone who thinks The Daniel will be moved to respond as he should? Not a chance. The good people of Washington, D.C., however, should pressure him to do so, and there are at least a couple of good reasons why.

First: One of the primary arguments made by proponents of keeping the Redskins name is that there are tribes on reservations out west who use that very nickname themselves, thereby proving that they don't find it offensive and it is okay for Washington to do the same. To understand how specious is this reasoning, just try to imagine a white guy walking into a locker room full of African Americans and saying, “Hey, hey my (N word)s! What’s happenin’?” Bad, bad, baad idea, right? Somebody just stepped over a line. Now imagine one of those African Americans walking into that same locker room and asking the very same question. Nothing whatsoever would be thought of it. How this applies to the Redskins name should be common sense, but evidently it isn't. Four hundred years of injustice dictates that there are a different set of rules civilized people need to follow if they want to show the respect required for varied groups to live in harmony. Native Americans can call themselves whatever they want, Mr. Dan, but you cannot.

A second argument favoring the racist moniker asserts that it’s only a bunch of liberal rabble rousers who are stirring things up on the off chance that the name might be found offensive. This sort of thinking: "well it might not be offensive, and I don't have an actual Native American standing here telling me it is, so what the heck, we're probably okay to keep it, right?" That indicates a reckless thought process which reminds me of the arguments espoused by those cretins who ironically call themselves "conservative", when in fact they are dangerously rash and liberal: They chant things like “drill baby drill” and deny that humans might just be warming their environment to levels that are causing draught in the southwest and flooding in New York City. The fact is, a true conservative would be prudent and ere on the side of caution. Given the reasonable chance that we might just be creating for ourselves a real problem, they would urge that we take steps to remedy the situation. Yes. That's what a true conservative would do. Just read your history of Teddy Roosevelt and do what he did. That very same attitude can be applied to the careless, reckless people who want to continue with the Redskins name. But they are, as is said, on the wrong side of history: On the chance that some Native Americans might feel disparaged by the name, might be embarrassed for their impoverished children, why not change the name to the Redhawks? Think about it. Is a name really so important? The colors and the bulk of the victory song lyrics and even the emblem need very little change or none at all. And I’m pretty sure the birds won’t mind. So come on, people in Washington. Raise some cane with your little Napoleon at the top. And hail to the Redhawks! Hail victory!

Adrian Peterson Started the Conversation, Now the Hypocritical NFL Has Shut It Down

Haldon Richardson

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Monday December 08, 2014 · 11:06 AM PST

2014/12/08 · 11:06

Adrian Peterson beat his kid with a switch. He was indicted for his actions, found guilty in a plea deal of misdemeanor reckless assault, and must pay $4000 and perform 80 hours of community service. He said to reporters that he was glad the whole affair is now behind him; he wants to move forward. That’s exactly what should happen. But in their unceasing effort to appear as though they care about people, the disingenuous NFL has climbed high up on its politically correct high horse and suspended Peterson for at least the rest of the year. In Scalia's America, the NFL's America, justice can no longer prevail. And as we were collectively prepared to move forward, to thank Adrian Peterson for allowing us a forum through which to discuss using violence to solve problems, the NFL caught us up short with their draconian punishment. Now? The talk is going to be about the punishment, not the underlying crime. It's the corporate America equivalent of beating your kid with a switch. Let's begin the conversation anyway.

A few days after Peterson was found out, Charles Barkley argued that if we were to lock up everyone who switches their child, then we'd have to incarcerate nearly every black parent in the South. Now Charles Barkley is a bright man who speaks his mind; he’s one of the best sports commentators we have. But he’s only thought this one half through: To extend Barkley's contention to its logical, though absurd, conclusion would be to argue that, were we Nazi Germany in the 1930's and 40's, killing Jews must be all right; otherwise, we’d have to lock up all the Nazis in Germany. To beat and lynch African Americans in the South for 400 years must have been all right, otherwise we would have had to lock up every racist from Louisiana to South Carolina. No Charles, if a behavior is wrong, if it is violent and rooted in ignorance, anger or hatred, then it is wrong, and it should desist. Beating our children is an act of violence, and it has no place in a civilized society. There is a better way.

As an educator of nearly 40 years, I can tell you for a fact that children can be managed and taught and reprimanded without even raising your voice. In fact, raising your voice tells the child that you are angry, which deflects the situation from them and their behavior. The proper course of action is not really arguable. Every childhood development specialist in the world knows what to do, and we have for decades: From early childhood, a parent or caregiver needs to set clear parameters for a child, limits for their behavior. These rules range from table manners to interactions with others and every imaginable behavior in between. These rules should be clear and they should be enforced consistently and without fail. If a child steps over a specified limit, the parent should calmly describe the infraction and tell the child exactly what will happen if the behavior persists…e.g… “You have taken your sister’s toy without asking her, and you need to give it back by the count of three, or you will spend five minutes in your time-out chair.” The time out chair should be in a private corner somewhere, and while the child is in the chair, they should know that if they cry or turn around or talk, the time for their five minutes will begin again until they get it right. If the parent does this consistently from an early age, there will be no testing, no problem whatsoever, and the behavior will desist immediately. Even more important, children will learn to monitor their own behaviors. Now if a parent doesn’t start this routine until the child is 5 or 6, there will be a longer, more aggravating testing period involved. But it is never too late to start. The key is to remain calm and consistent. Some parents allow a behavior to persist until they are so annoyed they explode and switch the child. That, frankly, is the easy, lazy way out. It takes more energy to set limits and enforce those limits consistently and without violence. But it is much better for your child’s development if you do. You love them. It’s worth the extra effort.

If it is true that nearly every black parent in the south today beats their child, then I offer a sincere thanks to you, Adrian Peterson, for bringing this into the light. We can do better. Move over, Commissioner Goodell and the falsely righteous NFL. You should have allowed Adrian to play ball, and the conversation rightly would have turned to his underlying crime. Now? Business as usual.

Haldon Richardson is a teacher and a writer for sportsblog.com. Please like him on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/... on Google + at: https://plus.google.com/... and on twitter at: https://twitter.com/...

North Carolina's Shadow Curriculum and the NCAA's Death Penalty

Haldon Richardson

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Monday December 08, 2014 · 11:03 AM PST

2014/12/08 · 11:03

The University of North Carolina is under investigation by the NCAA for violations so grossly unethical that, if they are found guilty, their punishment should be proportionately severe. The investigation was spurred by a report from former U.S. Department of Justice official Kenneth Wainstein who found that the school had conspired to commit academic fraud for almost twenty years, involving over 3,100 students. More precisely: Allegedly, North Carolina athletics, from Dean Smith through Roy Williams, knowingly allowed over 1,500 of their “student-athletes” to pass through their school in an African and Afro-American Studies program that required absolutely nothing of them. They didn’t read, write, or do math. Nothing. Even in an age when the grotesque has become commonplace, we’ve got to be staggered by this remarkably unethical collusion to cheat. If they're found guilty of these allegations, what penalties should North Carolina face? The punishment, as they say, should fit the crime. Let’s look at the NCAA infractions and subsequent penalties at Maryland, Indiana and Ohio State to see if we can come up with an answer to that question.

The University of Maryland has got to be looking long and hard at North Carolina’s situation, considering the punishment served out to the Terrapins following Coach Bob Wade’s tenure in the late 1980’s. The most grievous violations Wade committed were that he gave $272 and a ride in a car to a recruit, Rudy Archer. He also gave recruits Alonzo Mourning and Brian Williams a discount on some clothes. Essentially, that’s it. And the punishment? Maryland was forced to return the 407 thousand dollars it had earned from the 1988 NCAA basketball tournament, they were banned from post season play in both 1991 and 1992, they could notappear on television for a year, and they could not compete in the ACC tournament in 1991. A ride in a car, some discounted clothes, and the program was ruined for three years.

At Indiana, Kelvin Sampson was the basketball coach from 2006-08. During that time he violated rules regarding recruiting over the telephone. He made ten impermissible conference calls to recruits, his assistant made thirty-five, and then they mislead NCAA officials during the ensuing investigation. Rule breaking? To be sure. The penalties were a public reprimand and censure, three years probation, a reduction of a men’s basketball scholarship, reduction in campus recruiting visits by athletes and recruiting trips by head and assistant coaches. The net result essentially was the loss of a competitive men’s basketball program for the following three years, during which time Indiana went 28-66. Excessive telephone calls and the program was destroyed for three years.

In 2010, it was discovered that players from the Ohio State football 2009 Rose Bowl champion team had sold football jerseys and rings for $14,000 and received some discounted tattoo work. The property that was sold belonged to the players, but an investigation was nevertheless launched by the NCAA. Football coach Jim Tressel tried to protect his program and mislead the investigators. That is the extent of the violations: Selling stuff, getting cheap tattoos and lying about it. Their penalties? A one year bowl ban, Tressel lost his job, and the players involved couldn’t play for five games to start the 2011 season.

Let’s go back and take a comparative look at the charges leveled against North Carolina. These weren’t hats given to recruits. They weren’t phone calls Dean Smith made to Michael Jordan. They weren’t national championship rings Sean May and Eric Montross sold to fans. Far, far from it, according to the initial investigation. This was two decades of fraudulently cheating students of an education (both athletes and non-athletes), of teaching the most unethical of behaviors to the students involved, not to mention allowing players to play who may well not have been eligible otherwise. Given the penalties doled out to Maryland, Indiana and Ohio State, it seems fair that North Carolina should forfeit all of the national championships won during the two decades with a shadow curriculum, and they should have to make financial reparations to the students whom they cheated out of an education. Perhaps then the university could learn to concentrate on what should have been their primary mission all along: education. It looks very much like North Carolina is telling the truth about one thing: When they say they have no class, they mean it.

NFL Will No Longer Fine or Penalize White Players

Haldon Richardson

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Monday December 08, 2014 · 11:01 AM PST

2014/12/08 · 11:01

Thursday, December 4, New York City: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the NFL will discontinue penalties against white players. He said, "Now don't get me wrong. This is America's game and we need to reflect America. White on black penalites no longer exist, to include clipping, pass interference, chop blocks, blocks to the back, facemasks, personal fouls, and throwing a ball into another man's genitals. In the interest of player safetly, and you know we care about that, players who are considered "black enough" will immediately be ejected from the game, fined and suspended for such penalties. We will continue to make calls for everyone regarding off sides, encroachment and illegal procedure. We have video tape to ensure that fairness is always enforced. Video tape always tells the truth and rightfully can guide our behavior. We don't want to be unfair. Life in America is just and fair, and so it will be in the NFL. Just ask Rudy Guiliani, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity. They'll tell you straight up: The problem in America is that black people are too often thugs and unruly. We're taking this country back to like it used to be. Ronald Reagan planted the divisive seed that sent us on this course where we can see this horrible division, and we're going to un-divide ourselves. Now it's up to us to carry on in the tradition of Reagan and Cheney. And so we will. God bless white people. God bless the NFL. And God bless the United States of America.

Fox News: We've Won the Battle to Divide. Now Let's Cut off the Head: Tiger and Lebron

Haldon Richardson

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Monday December 08, 2014 · 10:58 AM PST

2014/12/08 · 10:58

The following is a transcript of a secret meeting at Fox News headquarters in New York, held on Saturday, December 5:

Roger Ailes: Okay, people! Pipe down. Mr. Murdoch would like to have a word. Mr. Murdoch?

Rupert Murdoch: Thank you, Roger. And good morning, everyone. Thank you for joining us today. What I have to say is of great import, and it is good that you're all here to take part.

Sean Hannity: Thank you for asking us, sir. It is my...

Roger Ailes: Shut up, Hannity! You trained ape. Speak when you're spoken to.

Rupert Murdoch: Thank you, Roger. Let us begin: We are at a crossroads if you will, and, as Roger is so fond of saying, "It's time that we scorch the earth."

Rudolph Guiliani: Excuse me, Mr. Murdoch, but we're out there en masse, pointing out how the police who committed the murders are the heroes and the black victims are the thugs. We've established the social divide we were looking for sir.

Bill O'Reilly: I've got to say that I agree with Rudy, Rupert. This is working better than the Gipper's old, 'welfare queens in mink stoles, driving Cadillacs'. (everyone laughs) God bless Ronald Reagan. He made the red states red. What more can we do?

Rupert Murdoch: If you gentlemen will allow me time to explain, I think you'll understand. We all agree that we here at Fox have helped to maintain and even broaden Reagan's great divide. We've vilified the victims, all that, yes, but we need to do something more, something very different, and that's why I've called you all here. I want you to consider this: A hundred years ago, there was a rabble-rousing uppity black bastard named W.E.B. Dubois who argued that what black people needed to do if they wanted to rise up in society was to educate the most talented 10% of their population, in arts, sciences, music, math, and law. In that manner, he argued, this 10% could serve as role models for the rest of their race to follow up the ladder.

Mike Huckaby: How is that a problem, sir?

Rupert Murdoch: Good question, hillbilly Mike. I'll tell you how it's a problem. Dubois' ideas didn't work, not for a long time. But in the past few years, somehow, they've begun to take hold, and we've got to do something about it. Oh, we've maintained our segregation and the servant class, but something began to happen, slowly but surely, from the 1950's onward, slowly integrating, until we finally struck back and established the great divide in the 80's. But when we weren't looking the tide began to turn on us again. They got this goddamned Obama, and with him came the idea that anything is possible. That's the problem. Now, as I look around, everything is going straight to hell. It's no longer the divide we need to worry about, boys. We've got half the whites hating so much, we barely need to lift a finger to stir them up. It's the head we now need to worry about, the role models who show the way. And it's not just Obama and politics we need to attack, it's other areas, like science and sports and entertainment. Take this basketball player, Lebron James.

Megan Kelly: He's the greatest player of all time, no doubt about that. But excuse me sir, black people have ruled basketball since the 1950's, when schools began to integrate.

Rupert Murdoch: Point taken, eye candy. But I'd really rather look at your perfect ass than listen to you talk, okedoke? You're missing the fact that this Lebron is teaching the other darky players that the idea is to pass the ball. He's a team player, fundamentally perfect, not a one-on-one, dribble and jump like a kangaroo stereotypical black ball player like that Jordan boy was. Jordan was perfect for our purpose with his me-first dribble and shoot attitude and his little Nike logo and all his millions, keeping the boys on the playgrounds jumping, dribbling, smoking crack, dreaming of Jordan's shoes. We've got to keep them wanting those shoes. This James fellow is dangerous. When they watch him, they learn to work together. And in golf? Oh my God, how far we've fallen back. 70 short years ago a colored boy couldn't even play golf at Augusta National Golf Club. Oh, the good old days. We've got to get them back. Now the old boys at Augusta have had to restructure their grand old course to try and stop this Tiger Woods. Do you know how many darkies use that Woods boy as a role model? He's our worst nightmare. Even the liberal white boys who whine about social injustice root for him. It's a problem. I'm telling you all. It's the Dubois nightmare come true: the darkies are following Obama and James and Woods, and in no time...

Bill O'Reilly: And in no time, they'll pass us by. My God, sir, you are right. I hadn't thought of it that way. The divide is no longer our primary worry. It's cutting off the head. We've done our best to destroy Obama, and yet he perseveres, a dark knight for them all, and now, with his immigration charade....

Sean Hannity: With his immigration charade the beige animal spics are going to turn on us and vote Democratic forever...the divide will no longer work.

Roger Ailes: Shut the hell up, Hannity. If I want my pet monkey to talk, I'll pull your chain.

Rupert Murdoch: Thank you, Roger. And Sean, Reagan's divide is here to stay. It's in our rear view. What I'm talking about is cutting off all the various heads of the beast so the others have no one to follow. Cut off Obama and this James and Woods and how about that Denzel Washington? Far too hoity toity. Do you remember that whipping scene in "Glory"? I could feel in my bones 10 million coloreds, rising up like some black nightmare, as they watched the angry, powerful look in Washington's eye. It makes me shiver, just thinking of it. We want them watching the dumb stuff, those Tyler Perry "Madea" movies. That's one way to cut off the head. Divert them to the dumb stuff.

Andrew Napolitano: You're so right, Mr. Murdoch. And it's not just politics and music and sports where they've got role models, no sir, they're rising up in science. I was reading just yesterday, blacks have something like 50% of the top scientists worldwide now. There's that chemist, William M. Jackson at Cal-Davis, and that atmospheric climate change darky kook Warren Washington at the National Center for Atmospheric Research, selling his notions about global warming. My God, you are so right. They're taking over the government. There's that woman engineer at NASA, what's her name, Aprille Ericsson or something like that. The bitch was born in the projects in Bedford Styvesant, but she went to MIT, and now she's doing some sort of heat measurement in the tropics. Hells bells, this is crazy. They're leading the whites on a global warming jihad, and there are millions more, just like them. They're not just leading blacks, they're leading whites. I hadn't thought of it in this light. You're so right, Mr. Murdoch. We've got a problem.

Megan Kelly: I was watching Neil deGrasse Tyson the other night on "The Daily Show", and...

Roger Ailes: We don't say the name of that show in here, young lady! How dare you?!

Megan Kelly: I'm sorry, I was just going to say that Tyson is a problem, too, you know, because he's a physicist and all, just as the Judge was saying. Anyway, he said to Stewart something about how people vote to promote scientific literacy if they're literate or something like that, which makes me think he wants people to be literate, which seems dangerous. It was pretty complicated, but it sounded kooky and elitist, you know, like they are.

Roger Ailes: That's a girl with your fine ass and face and all. That's more like it. What a babe.

Laura Ingraham: F@#cking Obama. It's f@#king Obama who I hate. I could slice him with my chin.

Roger Ailes: Save it for the camera Ingraham, you moronic ugly anorexic viper skank! This is man talk.

Rudolph Guiliani: So don't we get to keep talking about how the cops are heroes when they kill the thugs? I like doing that. That's where I'm a Viking.

Roger Ailes: Good God. Guiliani, you befuddled tool. I'm putting you on the same leash as Hannity and Ingraham. Keep your goddam mouth shut. I'm sorry, Mr. Murdoch, please continue.

Rupert Murdoch: Thank you, Roger. It's really quite simple. And Rudy, of course, we want you to continue monitoring and supporting Reagan's divide. The cops are heroes, the victims thugs. But we're talking now about the head. We need to cut them off at the top. We've conducted our all out blitz on Obama, and we've made real progress. Just imagine where he'd be if not for us. But to cut off the rest of the collective black heads, if you will, we've got our work cut out for us. We'll begin by identifying everyone who's a threat and then set out systematically to tear them down. Just as it's now commonplace to hear things like "Obama the socialist with his Obamacare", we'll tear these scientists and athletes and actors down as well. We'll make them villains in no time. We just need a plan.

Bill O'Reilly: I'm on board, sir. How about this idea? Fat Rush the Rabble Rouser plays golf, and he's good friends with Tom Watson. If we can get Fat Rush off the couch long enough, stop him from swilling his overpriced brandy, eating potato chips, farting and smelling his own fingers, maybe we can get him to talk with Watson about making a more concerted effort to tear Tiger Woods down with a vengeance. Watson has real credibility on the tour. At least he did before the Ryder Cup. I think he might be a help.

Rupert Murdoch: There you are, mate. That's the idea, and you're on the right track. We've got to make them all look dangerous. Obama's a commie Muslim socialist who hates America, Woods is an uncivilized monkey.

(everyone laughs)

Andrew Napolitano: We can up the ante on these scientists. I'm sure men like S.E. Cupp from the Heritage Foundation and economist Nicholas Loris will lend a hand. They're both on board to shill at the drop of a hat. And they can both argue climate change with the best of them, you'd better believe it.

Rupert Murdoch: Now we're cooking. Great idea, Judge. Anyone from the Heritage Foundation is perfect for our purpose.

Bill O'Reilly: And there are others. That panty wad gas bag George Will and facist Samuelson will both chip in if we ask. But I'm concerned. What on earth do we do with Denzel Washington and Lebron James and their ilk? I don't see how we can possibly tear them down.

Rupert Murdoch: Use your imagination Bill Boy. It's simple. We plant some evidence, make up some fake videos, anything to discredit. People will buy whatever we're selling. We've got whores out in Hollywood who would love to claim that Denzel raped them. We'll go Cosby on his black ass. And we own the police department up in Cleveland. How about if a wheel barrow full of crack somehow shows up in the trunk of Lebron James's Bentley? Just use your imagination, people. The important thing is that we're all on board, working hard. We long ago won the battle to strike fear and divide. We now call that divide the Tea Party and the Red States, if I'm not mistaken. Our task now is to cut off the head, cut off that damned W.E.B. Dubois talented 10% head, put these black bastards back to the days of Reagan's 80's and 90's, when they all followed the likes of that fat illiterate low life rapper, Biggy Smalls. What a hoot. Cut off the head, boys. That's the ticket. To have white cops strangle and shoot the poor louts at the bottom is only half the battle. Now we scorch the earth: Cut off the head, boys. Cut off the head.

This Month's Rumsfeld Award Goes to: Fat Rick, The Ohio State University Fan

Haldon Richardson

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Monday December 08, 2014 · 10:53 AM PST

2014/12/08 · 10:53

This month's Rumsfeld Award goes to the OSU Fan who asked, "Why are all these people in New York and Ferguson lying down in the street? Don't they know we made the playoffs?"

For those of you who are new to the Rumsfeld Award, the qualifications are: utter ignorance of the social condition accompanied by embarrassingly stupid behavior. The award, named in honor of Donald Rumsfeld, arguably the dumbest man ever to work as a U.S. public servant, is always appreciated by its recipient, because they're always too goddamn dumb to know that they're a joke.

This month's recipient, Baldy Spacklestein, aka "Fat Rick", was thrilled at the news of the recognition, gushing, "I almost s#@t my f@#king pants when I got the word. What a f#@king honor. Actually, it's more than a f#@king honor. It's more like a f#@king honor with some sort of f#@king honor exponent or something. Rummy was a great, great awesome, huge American, a really smart genius, a man who was comfortable among men, worthy of a place on the top of Mount Rushmore, a humble servant of few words, and to think that I am to receive this award, well, there just are not words in the place where words come from that allow me to use the words necessary to describe this honor in words."

To appreciate Fat Rick's honor, give brief pause to consider the idiotic Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld. Rummy once said, "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know." Yes, oh yes, words right from the old Rumster's pickled lips. Old Rummy was quite the prognosticator, too. In the days just before he helped to begin Cheney's war in Iraq, Rumsfeld predicted, "I can't tell you if the use of force in Iraq today will last five days, five weeks or five months, but it won't last any longer than that." Thank you Donald. The Iraq War is the single worst self-induced damage to U.S. interests in history. We have a trophy named in your dishonor, to be awarded each and every month to someone who is remarkably f@#king stupid.

When asked what he thought of Fat Rick being so honored, Ohio State football coach, Urban Myer, said, "We're just sick about the Papagorio kid or whatever his name was who shot himself in the dumpster. That really brought our team together in an awesome way. Can't wait to play the Tide. Go Buckeyes!"

Congratulations, Fat Rick! Those people lying down in the street just don't understand what's up.

Jesus Bypasses the ESPYs, Speaks Instead at the United Nations

Haldon Richardson

Community (This content is not subject to review by Daily Kos staff prior to publication.)

Monday December 08, 2014 · 10:13 AM PST

2014/12/08 · 10:13

Jesus Christ came down to earth on Tuesday for the first time in nearly 2,015 years, breaking his prolonged silence to present an award at the United Nations. ESPN had asked that Jesus hand out his award at their annual ESPY gala, but the Son of God declined, speaking of himself in the third person to say, "I'm sorry, but Jesus H. Christ, The Bright and Morning Star, The Captain of Your Salvation, does not 'do sports'." The Anointed One made his presentation brief. Walking up the East River to address a huddled mass of one million outside the United Nations building, The Bread of Life raised his hands to pronounce, "I am here but for a short time today to present an award that I call the 'Are You Telling Me You Really Didn't See That Coming?' award. Oh! One quick item before I start. Do you remember all that pish-posh about 'thou shalt have no other God before me'? Well, that's precisely what it is: pish-posh, nothing more than a bunch of old Hebrew men trying to consolidate power for themselves 2,500 years ago. All you people need as a guide for right living is to remember: do unto others as you would have them do unto you and so on, you know, yadada yadada...but I digress.

"For my award, I will recognize three places, to be handed out in reverse order: In third place: the athletic department and football coaching staff at The Ohio State University for having ignored the several concussions, the subsequent depression and extreme confusion experienced by Kosta Karageorge, the poor boy who tragically took his own life with a handgun inside a dumpster this past weekend. In second place: the chronically diabolical NRA, for espousing the false notion that "guns don't kill people, people kill people." The NRA is guilty of crimes far worse than this, but I mention them in second place, given the horrifying number of mass murders in recent years in the states of: Ohio, New York, California, Alaska, Nebraska, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Alabama, Mississippi, Arizona, Colorado, Virginia, Texas, Kentucky, Florida, New Mexico, Arkansas, Kansas, Washington, Oregon, Montana, South Carolina, , Georgia, North and South Dakota, Nebraska, Louisiana, Minnesota, Wisconsin, North Carolina, Illinois, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Vermont, New Hampshire, Michigan, Oklahoma. Alaska, Wyoming, Hawaii, Montana, Idaho, Tennessee, Iowa, Nevada, Maine and Utah. How many states do you people have, anyway? Frankly, you have the collective attention span of a swarm of gnats, no intended offense to gnats: A crazy person kills a group of kids, you whine about it for a couple days, then move on to another topic like a group of attention-challenged children chasing butterflies in a field, and you do nothing to change. News flash, NRA: If a person loads a gun, aims it at someone and fires it, there is a strong possibility that the gun is going to kill someone. Sweet Beloved Son of Sons. The NRA. With their Fox News, Fat Limbaugh, lying, fear mongering, manipulative control over the ignorant masses for their own gain, they are horribly guilty of the most heinous of crimes against humanity. You want to know the true face of the devil? Just look at Wayne LaPierre. Moving on. The winner of this year's 'You Didn't See That Coming?' award: I'm sorry, but the award goes to all of you, every U.S. citizen. You are guilty of putting guns in the hands of young men whom you call policemen, then asking them to march forth like brave ignorant macho knights to clean up your towns and your cities by whatever means necessary. Most of the young men you call policemen have watched "Rambo" and "Walking Tall" far too many times in lieu of reading a newspaper, they play "World of Warcraft" and "Call of Duty" 30 hours a week, they're generally uninformed with dangerously simplistic notions about people outside their own little group, and they have a slightly frightened, racist perception of the world that is molded by the right wing media. You give these young men whom you call policemen guns, put them in squad cars and send them out into the night to confront uneducated, powerless, often misguided, angry young kids who have distrust and little respect for the police. So I ask you, what in the name of The Beloved Son did you think was going to happen in Ferguson, Missouri? Are you telling me you didn't see that coming?

"And so, as half of you march around with your palms up in the air and the other half calls you thugs, I've got some advice as to how you all might proceed as a group. Give brief pause and look at what all three of my award recipients have in common: Guns. Consider what would happen if police officers had stun guns or tranquilizer darts or even rubber bullets? Think about that. A tranquilizer dart will stop a gargantuan charging rhino from a hundred yards off. Surely it can stop a young kid who's walking aimlessly down the middle of the street with a pack of stolen cheap cigars. Michael Brown would have been bruised with a little hangover afterward, not lying dead on the pavement. Face the facts. You're not going to end poverty or ignorance or anger. That's a given. And you're never going to have a sophisticated, highly trained police force. That would cost too much. But please, for the love of Me, envision the next killings that are coming down the road, like they've come so many million times before. Envision a child, your child. See a crazy person or even a young policeman with a gun in his hand, hear the bullets fly. Now, see the lifeless body of your child on the ground. That's got to change. You can do it. You ended slavery, didn't you? You mobilized to stop Hitler. Most of you quit smoking and stopped beating your kids with sticks. Surely you can update and antiquated law passed in 1791 regarding guns, including the way police officers use them, in a manner that makes sense for everyone. And it's not citizens who need convincing of this; it's the whores and the money changers on Capital Hill in Washington, D.C. who need to change. They are owned by the NRA.

"I've must go now, and I'm going to leave you with one final thought. How about this: Suppose a couple multi-billionaires contact some of their closest multi-billionaire friends and join together like a band of Multi-Billionaire Super Heroes and take on the omnipotent NRA and Fox? Pulverize those evil bastards. I'm talking to you, Warren Buffet and Bill Gates. Take the lead. I'm coming back next year, and I want to see some changes."

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