The Glorious Annals of the French Navy

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Tuesday October 21, 2008 · 9:29 AM PDT

2008/10/21 · 09:29

Today is the anniversary of Trafalgar and here is how you can reenact Lord Horatio Nelson's spectacular victory in 1805. In a swimming pool set afloat 33 loaves of French bread to represent the French/Spanish fleet. To represent the British fleet, have twenty-seven people with shotguns firing at the bread. That accurately represents France's chances at Trafalgar.

EugeneF

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Sunday October 12, 2008 · 12:34 PM PDT

2008/10/12 · 12:34

On this day in 1216, King John lost the crown jewels in a flood. John was fleeing from his nobles; they seemed a bit upset after he reneged on the Magna Carta. The barons had decided to oust the little weasel and invited the French crown prince Louis (what else) to be king of England.

EugeneF

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Friday October 10, 2008 · 7:59 AM PDT

2008/10/10 · 07:59

The battle of Tours, fought this day in 732, is listed among the most important battles in history. It certainly is the only time that the French were underestimated. Having brushed aside the lumbering Visigoth clods in Spain, the Arabs assumed that the Franks would be just another trifle. And in theory, they were right. In the 8th century, Gallia was once again in three parts: two independent dukedoms and a weak kingdom fighting with each other. In planning their invasion of France, the Arabs discounted the possiblity of any real and organized resistance.

EugeneF

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Thursday October 09, 2008 · 8:15 AM PDT

2008/10/09 · 08:15

The Vikings are notorious for their vices, but they apparently possessed one fatal virtue: hygiene. Whether it was their fondness for saunas or the antiseptic cold of Greenland, the Vikings' cleanliness ruined their chance to colonize North America.

EugeneF

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Friday October 03, 2008 · 7:09 AM PDT

2008/10/03 · 07:09

Sarah Palin repeatedly defines herself as "Joe Six Pack." With that slovenly stereotype, she is proclaiming herself a paragon of simplicity: the homespun, ordinary soul who meets the travails of life with a can of beer. This is her rebuttal to those who criticize her ignorance: the ignorant are entitled to representation, and she is their candidate!

EugeneF

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Sunday September 14, 2008 · 1:49 PM PDT

2008/09/14 · 13:49

That fine line between satire and prophecy....

"DID BARACK OBAMA SELL COCAINE TO GEORGE BUSH?"

Would Barack Obama betray this country by selling illegal--and foreign--drugs to George Bush while America was fighting international terrorism? Could Barack Obama be that evil? And do you think that he would even pay taxes on those cocaine sales--money America needed--undermining and depriving our brave troops of the weapons and supplies to protect themselves AND YOU!

John McCain and Sarah Palin know what made America great--and it wasn't cocaine!

I am John McCain and I approve this message.

The controversial ad eclipsed the other stories of the day: the nuclear war between Pakistan and India, China's purchase of the Treasury Department, and Lindsay Lohan's conversion to Judaism. Journalists were clamoring for more details.

EugeneF

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Monday September 01, 2008 · 9:59 AM PDT

2008/09/01 · 09:59

Demonstrating his concern for victims of Hurricane Gustav, President Bush announced guest memberships at Texas country clubs for anyone whose golf course has been flooded.

Arriving in Louisiana with 500 "John McCain for President" umbrellas, the Arizona Senator and his running mate Sarah "Rambelle" Palin expressed their conservative compassion for the victims. Ms. Palin demonstrated 30 different ways the umbrellas can be used to kill. Governor Bobby Jindal is expected to live. Ms. Palin almost apologized for the mistake, saying that the Indian-American "shouldn’t look that way, all terroristy." Senator McCain did apologize, wishing Jindal "a full recovery or a better reincarnation."

EugeneF

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Monday August 25, 2008 · 9:00 AM PDT

2008/08/25 · 09:00

Russians don't need an excuse to drink: their government, their climate and Dostoyevsky more than justify self-pity. However, they don't have much of a chance to celebrate: just chess tournaments and sacking Berlin. But today the Russians can drink both for commiseration and celebration: it is the birthday of Ivan the Terrible.

For a murderous tyrant, Ivan the Terrible (the IV on his business cards) is far luckier than Richard III. First, Ivan was actually guilty, so he couldn't be slandered. And his crimes apparently had an upside. He evidently was killing the right people. Even his critics acknowledged that he made a very effective tsar, expanding the Moscovite principality into the Russian state.

EugeneF

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Friday August 22, 2008 · 10:13 AM PDT

2008/08/22 · 10:13

Today is the 523rd anniversary of the battle of Bosworth Field. In tribute to the fallen and vilified Richard III, please hunch your shoulder.

History indeed is written by the victors, and the usurping Tudors had some extraordinary flacks in their service. The first "official" biography of Richard III was written in 1518 by an ambitious lawyer named Thomas More. More's history could have been a Wes Craven screenplay; Richard is depicted as a physical monster. In this portrait, a hunchback may be Richard's most attractive feature. More grafts upon Richard a withered arm and a limp; furthermore, More's caricature was born with a full--and threatening-- set of teeth. The real Richard had none of these disabilities and distortions, and actually was more attractive than Henry VII--who looked like a constipated actuary.

EugeneF

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Friday August 15, 2008 · 10:23 AM PDT

2008/08/15 · 10:23

John McCain’s campaign ad "The One" has generated a lot of buzz regarding the "Left Behind Series." Political commentators are comparing McCain’s portrayal of competitor Barack Obama with the blockbuster apocalyptic series’ depiction of the antichrist. But even the series authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins don’t think Obama is the antichrist.

Of course, Barack Obama is not the Auntie Christ. How could anyone possibly mistake him for a 2000 year-old-Jewish woman?

EugeneF

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Monday August 11, 2008 · 7:12 AM PDT

2008/08/11 · 07:12

Lou Dobbs could have warned the College of Cardinals about cheap Hispanic labor. However, on this day in 1492, the College elected Roderigo Borja as Pope. Obviously, the Italian boys were not so eager to have the job. Their bribes were only half as much as Roderigo's, and Roderigo was willing to assimilate. His mistresses were Italian, and he even adopted a more Italian pronunciation of his surname: Borgia. But his green card would have identified him as Pope Alexander VI.

EugeneF

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Monday August 04, 2008 · 11:07 AM PDT

2008/08/04 · 11:07

Judging from his name, Helmuth von Moltke was not the type of person who you would want to manage a hospice or be a party planner (especially bar mitzvahs). Surprisingly, you would not want him to manage your World War. You would expect a Junker to have unjustified arrogance but not unwarranted caution, but Helmuth did. And as the Chief of the German General Staff in 1914, he inadvertently saved France.

The Franco-Prussian War had been a leisurely affair, six months of continually humiliating the French. But that was in 1870-71, when the Germans were engaged in an one-front war and were led by a genius. (Otto von Bismarck may have been the model for Lex Luthor.) In 1914, Germany had a two-front war and was led by a blustering dolt. (Wilhelm II may have been the model for George Bush, except Wilhelm spoke excellent English.)

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