Okay, okay, here was my concerning situation and dilemma earlier today. I was minding my own business, walking my two leashed wolf-hybrids down the street in the bright sun under a cloudless sky while donned in my mauve-colored Hazmat suit recently purchased on sale from ACME, keeping the requisite 100 feet distance intact when suddenly, an old lady came out of her house in the direct path I was going in. There was no notice or anything. She just came out! WTF?!
The elderly woman was about 150 feet ahead of me, but I knew I needed to reverse course because its just safer that way. Right? So I went 20 feet in the opposite direction only to see a little girl come outside right in front of me, say 120 feet or so away, but on her tricycle. Also, no f*cking notice! And she immediately began to rapidly close the distance between us, say 5 feet every 10 seconds. I swear! Was she crazy or something? She was like a little speed demon. I had to act fast!
So to be completely safe, I stood still. This only lasted a few moments, though, because 1) the old biddy started ambling my way with her walker while 2) the little youngster was vigorously riding her trike my way. Jesus. H. Christ! My life raced before my eyes as I momentarily wondered about my bad karma catching up with me. Was this it? Was this how it would all end?
"Danger Will Robinson! Danger Will Robinson!" I heard my inner voice screaming. I wasn't sure if their pincer movement was intentional or not, or whether Vladimir Putin was behind it, but I knew fast action was called for. Fortunately, I had anticipated this possibility and came prepared. (My multiple tasers and pepper sprays were not needed...yet, I calculated.)
Taking off the bullhorn strapped to my back, I announced, to the child, "Cease and desist! Cease and desist! You are putting your inchoate life and my seasoned one in imminent danger. Reverse your course and maintain proper distancing measures. Failure to do so represents several violations of recently implemented emergency civil measures meant to protect We The People by the authorities. Cease and desist! Even though the local gendarme is not yet giving tickets or making arrests for your type of irresponsible behavior, another step in my direction would be like starting down your own path of career criminality! Cease and desist you little ne'er-do-well"
I also instructed my ravenous canines to bare their fangs and bark ominously. I mean, we were in danger gosh darn it so I am pretty sure I was justified and stuff. Not sure exactly why, but the little guttersnipe started crying, turned tail, and raced back home.
I would have sent the same message to the aged female, but figured there was a good chance she couldn't hear and everything on account of her being old and didn't want her racing closer to get an explanation of what I was anxiously saying.
As the street urchin egressed out of space I had rightfully claimed first, I was able to re-establish the 100 feet buffer, skedaddling back to my crib lickety-split. I made sure my dogs kept up their fear-inducing behavior just in case anyone else might have inconsiderately thought about ALSO coming out of their dwellings. Using a little canned whip cream around their muzzles really did the trick too of making them seem ultra scary. I thought of that one all by myself.
Moments later, we were back inside, where I quickly padlocked all the doors, turned on the multiple security systems, and made sure my various guns hidden away were all still locked and loaded. I knew my M72 LAWS rocket was at the ready, so I didn't have to check that. Then I sighed in relief, finally feeling safe again. Whew! That was a real close one. I hope nothing like this ever happens to you, but if it does, you might take some lessons from the brave way I handled all this.
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