WASHINGTON- A cadre of high-ranking Republican lawmakers, along with several leaders of the religious right, emerged from the Shaivo room at the C Street Center to announce their opposition to the theory that Neutrinos can travel faster than the speed of light. Citing their own scientific studies of the alleged phenomenon, the conservative leaders disputed that anything could travel so fast.
"God is light. I'm pretty sure every true American will agree with that. And since God is omnipotent, nothing possibly travel faster than the Almighty One!" proclaimed John Ensign, party leader and member of The Fellowship. "God is like Superman flying around the earth backwards. So fast you can't even see him. Remember when Lex Luthor sent those missles to the San Andreas fault and Hackensack, New Jersey? That was so funny when Otis was supposed to remember the launch code and wound up writing it on his arm 'cause he knew he wasn't going to remember." Long awkard pause. "I really like that movie." Ensign said.
Michelle Bachmann added "the liberal scientific community, by claiming such anti-American drivel, is simply acting on its liberal, satanically derived agenda to convert federally funded gay-converting husbands into homosexuals." Bachmann pressed further stating "I was just told by a woman that her daughter once traveled faster than the speed of light and is now retarded." Bachmann further added that the researchers once again failed to prove global warming.
House Republican leader Eric Cantor demanded that no one even look at the research unless a countervailing research program was first cut from the federal budget. "We can't be spending money on scientific research of dubious importance if we first don't cut either Social Security and Medicare outlays," demanded Cantor.
Cantor was immediately taken aside by a couple of interns and told that the research was performed by scientists at CERN-- a European-funded particle physics research project.
Immediately following Cantor's statement, John Boehner cried.
