Entering the King of Brobdingrag’s* [* Ed: incorrectly spelled BROBDINGNAG in the first edition. Corrected by the author.] great Chamber of State, the last thing I expected was to encounter the King himself.
All right, I admit it. I snuck off from the tour group. That insipid guide was going to drive me batty over her constant reminders to wear our tour buttons and read the tour brochures. If I heard “Don’t step on the mosaics” shrieked at top lung one more time, I was going to rip those lungs out of her throat and stomp on them all over the mosaics,
Fortunately, a desire for a little adventure diverted my attention from the logistics of my plan when I saw the way to the Chamber of State out of the corner of my eye. “I’ll get a selfie that will make these morons green with jealousy,” I thought, imagining myself sitting in the Kings throne. I was already counting the Buttbook thumbs I’d collect. Glorious!
The moment I saw him, instinct took over. Pivoting on my left heel, I turned my back to the Monarch, raised my selfie stick and snapped three quick shots of me and the King.
“Exactly who are you, little man?” inquired the King sternly. “What is that ridiculous stick you and the other members of your group are waving about?”
Oops.
“Uh, sorry, Your Majesty. It’s a little custom of ours to capture a special image when we do special things. I hope I didn’t offend.” I wiped the sweat off my right hand and offered it to the King. “Lemming Gullible, sir, at your service,” I said.
When the King didn’t take the proffered handshake, I clumsily withdrew and stuck the offending hand into a pocket. This was getting awkward.
“So I take it that you and the other stick wavers are from the same place. What is this place where people wave sticks?”
“We call it America, sir.”
“Really? Never heard of it,” he said.
“Why, sir, how is that possible?” I exclaimed in astonishment. “It’s the greatest nation on Earth. A place where exceptional people do exceptional things all the time. We are so far advanced that all the other peoples of the world desire to join us in our prosperous and just society.”
“Impressive,” said the King. “A society that embraces people from other places must be extraordinary indeed. I commend you. Now tell me, how do you integrate all the newcomers?”
“Alas,” I said, “there is nowhere near enough space to accommodate them all, forcing us to deny permanent entry to all but the few that have earned VISA through a Sponsor. The Sponsor relieves us of any need to worry about further details.”
The King frowned. “Earned what through whom?”
“Sponsor, sir. The only way to get VISA is through a Sponsor. It’s a special privilege we protect to keep it pure. We like to think of it as permission to come join the party, and you wouldn’t give that to just anybody, would you sir?”
The King frowned a little more. “Tell me more about your America,” he said.
I began my discourse by informing His Majesty that our dominion consisted of two parts of a great continent and a chain of islands, comprising fifty mighty states, under one rule of law—besides the plantations, of course. I talked at length of the beauty of our lands and the unending warmth of our climate. I explained how great feats of engineering had changed the climate in ways that provide a continuing string of weather events for the entertainment of the population. We are a sporting people, and greatly enjoy gambling across a wide variety of pleasurable activities.
I then spoke at length upon the Constitution, the sacred document that organizes and defines our polity. I explained that the central genius of our system was its checks and balances between three great branches of the government.
“The head of the government is called the President. That person is in charge of all the bureaucrats and bureaucracies, and participates with Congress on matters of legislation.”
The King interrupted to ask, “How does one become President? How does that person prepare for such responsibility?”
“The President is chosen by the people in a free and open election every four years.”
The King was intrigued. “Anyone can stand for election?”
“No, no,” I said, “we’re not stupid about this. We have a amazingly efficient system where the Sponsors pick the two final candidates and the country comes together in joyful unity to select the next executive by majority acclamation.”
“You mean vote,” he said.
“Mostly. Occasionally the checks and balances come into play to correct inappropriate voting.” I said. “But that’s a lot of boring detail, Your Majesty, and I’ve barely explained the major bits.”
He glared at me with a unique expression I can’t quite describe. I thought about selfying this moment... then thought better of it.
I continued my lecture. “The second branch of government, Congress, is partly made up of an illustrious body called the Senate; persons of the noblest occupations and of the most ancient and ample patrimonies, who’ve sacrificed as much of their integrity as possible to answer the call of the Sponsors.” I described the extraordinary care taken to ensure their education in arts and sciences, unmolested by congress with students of lesser stature, to qualify them for being counselors both to the President and country; to have a share in the legislature; to select members of the Supreme Court, the highest court of judicature, whence there can be no appeal; and to be champions always ready for the defense of their President and country, by their valor, conduct, and fidelity to the Sponsors.
“These exceptional people are chosen for us by the Sponsors, allotting just two for each of the fifty sovereign states.”
I explained that the other part of the Congress consisted of an assembly called the House of Representatives, who were all principally gentlemen, freely picked and culled out by the people themselves in proportion to the population—with guidance from the Sponsors—for their great abilities and love of their country, to represent the wisdom of the whole nation. Such is their concern for the women of our nation, that even though few females are part of the assembly, they devote an exceptional amount of time and resources ensuring that women’s healthcare is carried out in a fashion only they are wise enough to conceive.
I then descended to the courts of justice; over which the judges, those venerable sages and interpreters of the law, preside, for determining the disputed rights and properties of people, as well as for the punishment of crime and protection of innocence. I mentioned our extensive protection of the accused, including granting property owners the right to stay out of jail so long as they sign an IOU for the bail.
“What about the poor? What provision have you made for them to be free pending judgement?” he asked.
“We can’t risk them running away before trial, now can we? At least we know property owners have something important at risk. So we’ve come up with an advanced solution, where poor defendants admit their guilt so as to dispense with expensive trials, lawyers and all that. It saves the defendant all the stress of having to relive their crimes publicly and allows the system to function much more humanely than it would if we indulged ourselves in seriously considering their innocence.”
“In civil matters of special importance to the Sponsors, the courts have been relieved of the burden of adjudication, and the public relieved of the tax on the public purse, by an elite corps of Arbitrators in the employ of the Sponsors. The Arbitrators are the most powerful adjudicators we have, able to create any law or rule necessary to achieve the outcome desired by the Sponsors without any burdensome constraints or traditions.”
I mentioned the prudent management of our treasury, avoiding wasteful expenditures on things every citizen ought to be able provide themselves so as to avoid excess taxation. I explained how the government actually runs itself by borrowing money in what are called “markets,” thus freeing the tax system from the constraint of having to support government operations.
“At the moment I cannot conceive of how you can run a government this way,” said the King. “Who are these creditors and how do you pay them back it you are not collecting enough money to pay your ongoing expenses in the first place?”
“It’s the genius of the markets, sir. The Sponsors make sure that money is available to loan and re-loan to the government at attractive rates, mathematically calculated to reward them for the risk that the money might actually be repaid. You see, the Sponsors prefer pretty pieces of debt paper they can show their friends over actual cash, so long as the interest gets paid promptly and by direct deposit.”
“But how does the principal ever get repaid?” demanded the King.
“The effect of the motion of all that money in the system is like friction generating heat,” I explained, “only in this case it generates even more money that can be loaned to generate more income....etc. Teams of engineers work day and night to maintain and strengthen this system. It’s a virtuous cycle that, like all sufficiently advanced technologies, looks like magic.”
“I gather they do not teach mathematics in your schools,” said the King sarcastically.
“Au contraire, Your Majesty, mathematicians were paid to invent the whole thing up.”
I dwelt at length upon the valor and achievements of our forces, by air, sea and land. I mentioned how our technical prowess had made war humane, more like surgery than war, because we conduct everything by intelligent machines, who do their duty precisely without squeamishness or prejudice, while their operators work out of harm’s way and can return to their loved ones every evening unscarred by the horrors of the battlefield.
He wondered to hear me talk of constant, expensive wars. “You must be a quarrelsome people, or live among very bad neighbors, that you are constantly going to war.” Above all, he was amazed to hear me talk of a mercenary standing army equipped with machines that could carry out war with or without their help, in the midst of peace, and among a free people. He said, “If you are governed by your own consent, in the persons of your representatives, I cannot imagine of whom you are afraid, or against whom you will fight.”
“Terrorists from the plantations, sir.”
“Terrorists? What are those?” he asked.
“They are disaffected unemployed or underemployed workers who are hopelessly jealous of our way of life, but have no hope of ever being one of us. So they lash out at us with suicide bombers. Nobody in our land is safe from this menace.”
“Really?” He consulted his now extensive notes. “You said nobody gets in without VISA and a Sponsor. So you mean to say that despite all that, people come into your country to commit suicide hoping to take a few others with them? I thought you were the envy of the World.”
“No, no, no.” I was getting a bit impatient with his ignorance. “There was this thing where 19 men from the plantations came to America, posing as students of our way of life, then hijacked airplanes and killed many along with themselves. Of course the conspiracy theorists were sure the government knew all about the plot and deliberately allowed it to happen, going so far as to allege the existence of memoranda and video tape showing the hijackers caught with box cutters in their pockets at security checkpoints, then allowed to proceed to their flights with the box cutters back in their hands. Scurrilous allegations to say the least.
“Alas, the truth was that our extensive civil liberties had finally caught up with us and we had paid the price. So the people willingly relinquished many rights, including the right to wear shoes and underwear in airport security, in the name of ‘never again’. To this day there is concern that the people still hold more rights than are good for their security.”
“What are these plantations? One wonders why some there would want to wreak such havoc upon you.” The Kings eyes were focused on me intensely.
“It’s where we get our oil; the deserts of the Middle East. We don’t actually run the plantations anymore, which is why our forces have to get involved from time to time to keep everyone in tune with our needs. We make sure their governments are friendly to us; everything else is their own concern. A less magnanimous people would be more manipulative.”
“How can it be your oil if it is under their land,” he demanded.
I shrugged. “Its an ancient principal of law captured by the axiom inuentoribus custodientes victos flentium.”
The King looked puzzled. “We have many such axioms, but that one escapes me. What does it mean?”
“‘Finders keepers, losers weepers,’ Your Majesty.”
The King turned away and silently perused his notes for a few minutes, almost like he forgot I was there. Then, looking up he said, “Who are these Sponsors?”
“Oh they are very special, the 400 or so most successful families in our society,” I replied. “They are the creators. The few who occupy the pinnacle of our society because they, or their ancestors, skillfully acquired property and the right to income. Together they own the vast majority of property and wealth. They function as a safety valve in the system, preventing most people from irresponsibly acquiring property or influence in excess of their abilities. If it were otherwise, people would live beyond their just means and there would be broad economic and political chaos.”
“Sponsors do all of society’s heavy lifting. They sell us machines that sing us pretty songs to wake us up in the morning. They tell us what we think and why we think it. They go to a great deal of trouble to create jobs for us, and ensure that most of us are underpaid yet suitably grateful for what we get. They give us credit cards to help us out with money, and they even give us the same deal as the government–albeit, at somewhat higher interest rates–so we can leave the problem of payoff to our descendants, just as they will bequeath their right to own us to theirs.
“They sell us more machines that transport us, feed us, produce medicines to counteract what they feed us, judge our merit and keep our minds transfixed on a single device so they can conveniently monitor us, inform on us and tell us what we will do, take, think or buy next. The burden of independent thought has been mercifully shifted from the masses to an elite few.
“They make sure we have building materials, toilet paper, liquor and boner pills.
“They are the engine of technical progress. They ensure that our machines and devices are continually improved to meet their needs and purposes. They telling us what our latest needs and desires are as often as necessary, a span generally measured in seconds. No Sponsor would ever let more than 90 minutes pass after you buy something to declare it obsolete and guide you to your next upgrade. Without such service, we could never keep up with the dizzying rate of technological change.
“They tell Congress and state legislatures what to legislate, and who to tax, resolving small details among themselves at meetings they can Luncheons. They leave few details to chance, lest some populist ingrate insert burdensome regulations or taxes into legislation. The Sponsors themselves do not pay taxes in recognition of the awesome service they perform for the country.”
“Charity wouldn’t exist at all without the Sponsors, whose magnanimity is legendary.....”
“I’ve heard quite enough,” snapped the King.
The King paced back and forth, reviewing his notes, recapitulating all I had spoken; compared the questions he made with the answers I had given; then taking me into his hands, and stroking me gently, delivered himself in these words, which I shall never forget, nor the manner he spoke them in:
“Mr. Gullible, you have made a most admirable panegyric upon your country; you have clearly proved that ignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper ingredients for qualifying for public office; that laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied, by those whose interest and abilities lie in perverting, confounding, and eluding them. I observe among you some lines of an institution, which, in its original, might have been tolerable, but these half-erased, and the rest wholly blurred and blotted by corruption.
“It does not appear, from all you have said, how any merit is required toward the procurement of any honor or station among you; much less that people are honored on account of their virtue; that spiritual leaders are advanced for their piety or learning; soldiers, for their conduct or valor; judges, for their integrity; senators, for the love of their country or their wisdom.
“You take for yourselves whatever you find in the world without regard for anyone else, then are surprised when your victims strike at you in rage. You try to manipulate them into submission, which serves only to deepen the resentment and perpetuate a never ending cycle of strike and response. In your peculiar way, you’ve institutionalized war to the point where it is a part of the economic engine that sustains you.
“You set upon each other like jackals in pursuit of a far greater share of the common resources than anyone else can obtain. You are so blinded by your pursuit of wealth, that you submit to the Sponsors and their total control of your lives while scheming and desiring to be one of them. The few who reach the top are just predators that you mistake for something else. Your desire to be among them is a delusion that enables their absolute and unchecked power over you.
“As for yourself,” continued the King, “who have spent the greatest part of your life in traveling, I am well disposed to hope you may hitherto have escaped many vices of your country. But by what I have gathered from your own relation, and the answers I have with much pains wrung and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your people to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.”
I was stunned, and probably would have stood there for eternity with my mouth gaping, not knowing even how to begin responding to that, when the odious tour guide strode through the door.
“Oh THERE you are, Mr. Gullible,” she said in her most officious voice. “You’ve put me to all kinds of trouble, and.... Oh, MY GOODNESS, Your MAJESTY, I AM SO sorry for this intrusion. You see Mr. Gullible was with my tour group from the States, then in a wink he disappeared, and we’ve been SEARCHING for him for HOURS....”
“Oh do get up off your knees. Yes, I can imagine the trouble it caused,” said the King. “Here’s your charge, safe and sound.”
With that he turned and left the room. Before I could say anything further, the guide grabbed my arm, dragging me out the door and back to the tour group.
I doubt the other members noticed my unceremonious return, though. They were all clustered around a bronze statue of a boy pissing into a bowl, taking selfies and howling with delight.
