Hi there, this is Conservative America, and we have our priorities completely straight. We have our government send our military all over the world to protect our perceived (oil) interests overseas, we don’t pay for this military activity within the defense budget and we instead borrow every penny of it from China. We don’t want to spend a single cent, Chinese or ours, to protect our interests here at home. Unless it’s to keep the Mexicans out. And we definitely don’t want the government providing any kind of process that would help people come here legally, because that’s mooching.
We want the government inside every woman’s uterus to ensure they carry every fetus to term, but we don’t want the government to provide birth control to poor women, because that’s socialism. We are very much pro-life but we may have to kill you if you happen to be an OBGYN, commit a capital crime, or if you happen to live in an Arab country. Oh, and we love denying women access to affordable healthcare, because as everyone knows “healthcare” is really just a fancy euphemism used by liberals that actually means “abortion.”
We’re all for getting rid of environmental and water safety standards because businesses should be free of government regulation. We say “let the market decide” what levels of cyanide are safe in the drinking water.
And, here in Conservative America, we believe everyone should have unfettered access to guns and be able to carry them around anywhere they go.
We don’t want the government putting people to work building highways, bridges and high-speed rail, no! Commies build roads! We would rather have the government in your bedroom, and on your bookshelf, and in your local movie theater, telling you who you can marry and what forms of entertainment are acceptable. We don’t feel that is so-called “government intrusion,” but rather upholding moral standards.
Here in Conservative America we don’t want the government providing safe and stimulating schools for your kids to get a quality education, we would rather the government give you vouchers and let you “choose” which privately owned school your child goes to, where they can shove religion and superstition down his tiny neck.
And in speaking of kids, if you’re a poor single mom, not only are we going to force you to have kids (why aren’t you married, anyway?), but we’re not about to let you have access to pre-natal care, diapers, formula, or help you put the little bastard through pre-school.
Nope, you’re on your own in Conservative America.
If you’re a good student, but you can’t afford college tuition, sorry, no free lunch here. Go take out an expensive loan because Conservative America isn’t interested in making college tuition affordable. That’s government intrusion, and it’s socialist!
What’s that? You want a grant to conduct ground-breaking research to develop new and exciting technologies that would create millions of jobs? Sorry, but we don’t believe in your voo-doo “science” here in Conservative America. We know for an absolute fact that highly complex and evolved life spontaneously appeared on our planet 6,000 years ago. So you nerdy liberals can keep your science.
We here in Conservative America believe that any form of government spending to help old people pay their medical bills, or god forbid, eat – we believe that is an example of a big, bad government intruding in our lives. We can’t afford it, we’re broke! What we do want, though, we do want the government keeping gay people, women and minorities in their place. Oh, and muslims, too. We want the government to ensure that muslims and atheists don’t have a place in the public square. Only white, Christian men. Real men, not those fancy boys. Jews are ok, but not the ones that wear those funny-looking black cowboy hats.
Here in Christian Conservative America we believe that any form of government “spending” that might benefit our society is “intrusive” and too expensive. Plus also communist. We want the government to do what we want it to do, like bomb brown people and impose our religion on others. And we expect the government to do this for free because taxes are bad. Bad!
Here in Conservative America we don’t believe in “establishing justice,” because as everyone knows trial lawyers are liberal. We want the courts to decide what rights you do have, unless of course the courts are full of liberals, too, in which case we’ll put your rights up on a ballot and fear-monger you into voting against your own best interests.
You see, in good ol’ Apple Pie Eatin’, Moose Shootin’, God Fearin’ Christian Conservative America, we don’t believe the phrase “promote the general welfare” in the Constitution actually means we should be a society of people that cares for those among us who have less. We also don’t believe in securing the blessings of liberty. At least not for everyone, because god knows if we let the gays marry then sheep fucking will become more than just a hobby in Wyoming.
We conservatives oh-so love the Constitution. Except the parts we don’t like. Like the bits that allows the government to tax my income (intrusion!), and the part that allows just anyone born here to be a citizen. We love the Constitution so very much we want to amend it to take out the bits we don’t like, and add new stuff to it to make sure only straight people can get married, because as everyone knows, the only reason to get married is to fuck and have a bunch of kids. And when you get tired of fucking your current wife you should be able to divorce and get yourself a new and younger one. With bigger tits. And you should be able to marry and divorce all you want! We’re trying to preserve the sanctity of marriage, ok!? What don’t you fuckin’ fags understand about that??
Oh, and you should know, here in Conservative America, if you’re black and you have a funny-sounding name, we may have to ask you to provide your birth certificate. Not a certificate of live birth, because god knows that just proves you were born where you said you were born. No, we want an actual birth certificate because we think it’s actually possible to be born a muslim.
So, to wrap things up and to be perfectly clear about our belief system in Conservative America, we have provided this chart to help you understand what we think you should also believe, and never, ever question. Ever. Here you go:
Taxes – BAD!
Government – BAD, socialist, and intrusive. Unless it’s doing the stuff we like.
Public Safety Net – BAD! Plus also commie.
Education – BAD! Unless by “education” you really mean “central religious indoctrination center,” then GOOD.
Science – Spooky.
The EPA – Those fuckin’ sandal-wearing liberal hippies telling our industries they can’t “pollute” our drinking water. Hey, there’s no proof pollution causes cancer, so fuck off!
Huge Military – GOOD!
Unfunded Wars – Awesome! Deficits don’t matter when you’re blowing shit up.
Tax Cuts for Rich People – Awesome idea, because I don’t want to pay taxes when I get rich.
Pell Grants – Hey, we just can’t afford to send black students to school anymore, ok?
High-Speed Rail – Commie! As god knows, only Mexicans would work to build the rail system, not that it matters because government can’t create a job, anyway.
Any Kind of Public Assistance for the Poor and Elderly – BAD! As god knows, helping the poor and old people only encourages them to stay poor and old. Plus also socialist.
So there you have it, folks. Welcome to Conservative America.
