An elder relative of mine is a life-long registered Republican, but you wouldn’t know it to meet them. They profess belief in that whole self-reliance canard, but they also strive to be thoughtful and caring. They believe LGBTQ people shouldn’t be treated differently, and that women should have bodily autonomy. They joined the Republican Party of the 1950s — when principle and the rule of law still mattered (in public, at least) — and they believe it still exists in that time-locked form today.
As such, they receive a bunch of political and campaign mail in the post — a disquietingly large amount, sometimes as many as fifty pieces a day. As a consequence, I get to see some of it when I go to visit on a regular basis to help with, among other things, sorting through their mail to find the important pieces and toss out the junk.
Fox Spews’ garbage is visible to everyone, but we might not see what rancid effluvia they send by the hundreds of thousands through direct mail. Ordinarily I chuck this sh*t in the recycling bin, but I thought it might be “informative” (for admittedly strained interpretations of that word) to transcribe here some of the stuff we may not see — the stuff we’re not intended to see — the stuff the right wing noise machine mails to its own presumably receptive membership, uses as fundraising material on its own flock, and has been assaulting my relative with for years.
Some sections in the original document are skipped for lack of interesting/salient content; they are summarized in brackets. Typographical emphasis, odd capitalization, and lack of Oxford commas have been reproduced as much as possible. Some commentary of my own appears at the end.
Today’s installment: The least-fun game of Twenty Questions ever.
TRUTH ABOUT REPUBLICANS SURVEY
An official project of the National Republican Congressional Committee
NOTICE: This document is REGISTERED to the individual named below and must be accounted for during processing. If you choose not to participate in this official Republican Survey, sign the Document and return it using the postage-paid envelope provided.
[ Address label. ]
OFFICIAL REPUBLICAN DOCUMENT — DO NOT DESTROY
[ A section asking for demographic information — age group, employment status, marital status, home ownership, and education. ]
2020 SURVEY QUESTIONNAIRE
INSTRUCTIONS: Carefully read and answer each of the following questions, clearly marking the answer you feel appropriate with an “X.”
Regardless of whether you are undecided or choose not to answer some of the questions, please return this completed Document within the next 7 days to ensure accurate tabulation and dependable results.
[ Note: All the following questions are yes/no. ]
- Do you believe that the priorities of President Trump and Republicans in Congress address the needs of Americans like you?
- In your opinion, was the nation better off with Republicans in control of both chambers of Congress and the White House?
- Do you believe that Nancy Pelosi and Democrats in Congress have any intention of putting aside their partisan goals to work with President Trump and Republicans for the good of our nation?
- Do you support Republicans’ calls to withhold federal funding to municipalities who act as “sanctuary cities” and fail to cooperate fully with federal authorities to enforce immigration laws?
- Do you support “extreme vetting” of refugees and asylum seekers from terrorist-controlled countries of the world?
- Do you support sending the U.S. military to our Southern border to reinforce the Border Patrol in efforts to stop illegal aliens from storming our borders?
- Do you believe the “mainstream” media gives fair coverage to President Trump, Republican leaders and conservative policies?
- Do you support Republican efforts to halt implementation of the Obama Administration’s unneded, extreme EPA regulations that are destroying the coal industry in America?
- Do you support allowing the Trump Administration to suspend federal union rules in order to quickly fire bureaucrats who are unresponsive, incompetent or in positions that are being eliminated?
- Do you support Republican-passed federal income tax reform that has lowered rates and simplified filing?
- Do you believe our economy would be better off if Nancy Pelosi and Democrats succeeded in repealing the Trump-Republican tax cuts and reforms?
- Do you support doing away with the federal “common core” curriculum and guidelines for public schools (K-12)?
- Would you support an effort to pass a federal Balanced Budget Amendment to the U.S. Constitution?
- Do you support the continued overhaul of the Veterans Administration to ensure that those who have served our nation in the Armed Forces get the quality services they deserve in a timely and efficient manner?
- Would you support a plan to bring together state-federal-private funding for rebuilding infrastructure such as roads, bridges, railroads, ports and airports?
- Do you support President Trump’s call for our allies in NATO to pay their past-due shares of the tab for funding military bases and exercises in their countries?
- Should President Trump and Republicans continue to look for every possible way to reduce and eliminate taxpayer dollars from flowing to non-profit organizations like Planned Parenthood, whose primary function is conducting abortions?
- Are you proud of the efforts President Trump and Republicans in Congress have made so far to turn our country around after eight years of Barack Obama’s failed policies and weak leadership?
- Have you ever seen such an aggressive and open partisan political effort to destroy a President with accusations and investigations as what is being done to President Trump right now by Democrats in Congress?
- Do you agree that in order to take back control of Congress, the Republican Party must unite and get to work immediately?
Please place any additional comments here: [ Five blank lines. ]
SUPPORT REPLY FORM
- YES! I want to help the Republican Party get organized to take back control of Congress so that we can keep our nation back on track to a prosperous, secure and free future. That’s why I am making a personal contribution to become an active part of the NRCC’s team of supporters today. Amount enclosed: [ Checkboxes for amounts ranging from $35 — $500. ]
- No. I do not wish to join the NRCC, but I am returning my Questionnaire with a personal contribution to support this critical outreach effort. Amount enclosed: [ Exact same set of checkboxes for $35 — $500. ]
- No. I do not wish to participate, but I am returning this Document with a sponsoring contribution of $15 to help pay for tabulating my Survey.
Please make your personal check payable to: NRCC
Contributions to the NRCC are not deductible as charitable contributions for federal income tax purposes.
Contributions from corporations, labor unions, national banks, Federal government contractors and foreign nationals without green cards are prohibited.
Funds received in response to this solicitation will be subject to federal contribution amount and source limits. Federal election law requires us to collect and report the following information for individuals whose contributions exceed $200 in a calendar year.
[ Form to enter occupation, employer, self-employment status, telephone number, and email address. ]
[ Form for credit card info. ]
By providing your phone number, you are consenting to receive calls and texts, including autodialed and automated calls and texts, to that number from the National Republican Congressional Committee.
Commentary
The whole game is given away, of course, by the third “option” in the Support Reply section, where you don’t get to not give them money — in other words, there is no survey; it’s just a vehicle to get you to send in a check.
Although they direct you to “sign the Document,” there is in fact no place to do that, other than the credit card info form.
A “registration number” and barcode appear at the top of the page, but the barcode isn’t recognized by my phone app, so it’s probably just mere decoration.
...clearly marking the answer you feel appropriate with an “X.”
What happens if you use a checkmark, or fill in the square completely like on a Scantron form? Does it get disqualified because you failed to follow orders? Oh, wait: There’s no survey. It gets pulped and your check gets cashed. Ka-ching!
On a scale of relative rancidity, this is about middle of the road. Stuff from the Pacific Legal Foundation is much better written and more seemingly reasonable. For the truly unhinged stuff, look to mailings from David Bossie, Joe Arpaio, and purportedly Melania Trump (I say “purportedly” because the signature on those missives looks exactly like her spouse’s).
How many more of our elders are being inundated with this crap on a daily basis?
