I was raised in a middle class house by an artist and scientist in a house surrounded by Good Books and art. I went to Catholic school for a while. I saw most of the famous museums in Europe and my family even lived there for a while. My first car was a Volvo. I studied classical literature in college. I am bilingual in English and Japanese. I am now working on a Master’s degree in library science. Other than being raised in a rural area and being Chicano, everything points to me becoming a standard-issue, latte-sipping, NPR listening middle-class liberal. But I didn’t turn out that way.
I am a trashy liberal.
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My favorite TV show is Bachelor in Paradise. Not The Bachelor, that show sucks. But a bunch of people hanging out on the beach, getting smashed and engaging in dumb drama? Sign me up, that’s my dream life. Love Island is also great. The Australia version is the best tho, the English version is often either boring or gross, and the American version is just too many douche bags.
I’m also a big fan of cartoons like Regular Show, Adventure Time and One Punch Man. Especially when stoned.
I don’t like “prestige TV”. I only watched a few episodes of The Wire and the Sopranos because I found them boring. I tried watching Breaking Bad and I hated it. If it involves English people in rural settings doing Englishy things, I will probably hate it. If it’s on PBS, no thanks. I don’t even know if that channel is on my TV.
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I also love professional wrestling. The best thing on TV this year was the Cody Rhodes/Roman Reigns match. I screamed at the TV. I think I cried a bit.
Also, Rhea Rhipley is the greatest.
(Public service announcement- only little kids think the matches aren’t fixed and the moves aren’t planned and this has been true for literal decades. If you are curious why people want to watch a fake match, it's because it’s theater and that shit is hard.)
I also like “real” sports like baseball, and lately I enjoy hockey, mostly cause of the fights. I know it’s not good for your brain to get into fights, but no one is putting a gun to their heads.
If the boys wanna fight you better let em.
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I eat trash food. Not all the time. But probably once a week or two. McDonald’s is pretty good, I like soft serve when the machine is working. Wendy’s is great, that biggie bag deal is killer, especially if they let you substitute in chili.
Del Taco is great. Did any of you have that birria quesadilla when it was out? So good. Yes, I am aware that I can get Real Mexican in San Diego, thank you. Sometimes it's not what I want.
But Taco Bell is pretty bad. Jack in the Crack sucks too. I know I’m contractually obligated as a Southern Californian to say I love In-N-Out, but it’s kinda whatever. I also bow to the liberal consensus that going to Chik-Fil-A is not cool. I have queer friends so I can agree it matters.
When I hear people saying “I don’t eat that junk” I picture a little hand doing wanking motions above their heads. I get it, you aren’t Poor. You have Good Taste.
I don’t.
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I don’t give a fuck about GMOs. Organic farming is a scam and organic farmers can be racist assholes.
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I couldn’t care less if food is “authentic”. I’ve been to lots of countries and can tell you that authentic sometimes means crappy. Greasy diner food in Utah is authentic. Everything in China that gave me the shits was authentic. Tell me something is authentic and I’ll tell you I don’t care. If I go to a Japanese restaurant and it’s run by Koreans I couldn’t care less as long as the food is good. If I go to a Mexican restaurant and it’s run by Chinese people, that’s fine too. Lots of Chinese people in Mexico, I’m sure they know what they’re doing.
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I’m in my late forties and I skateboard 3-4 times a week. Most of my clothes reflect this. I refuse to grow out of it. I will quit skating when I physically can’t do it anymore. Hopefully that means I am dead.
I also don’t wear a helmet or pads, because I have been doing this for four decades and haven’t hit my head in over two. If you think that’s dumb, keep it to yourself, nerd.
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I don’t own a suit. If a place requires a tie and it’s not a job interview, I won’t go. Actually I didn’t wear one to my last job interview. This includes weddings. After my cousin wore shorts to grandma’s funeral I just can’t give a fuck. And I know suits make you look sophisticated, but in my case that would be false advertising.
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I get stoned. Sometimes every day. Sometimes just on weekends, it just depends on what’s going on in my life. Smoking weed to go to sleep isn’t a great idea, but sometimes life is stressful. I’m not a stoner I think. Maybe I am. I don’t know, I don’t care.
I also drink to get drunk sometimes. Sometimes I drink to get really drunk. Not like I used to though.
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My taste is music is, by societal standards, very bad. I want ear candy. That means pop music, punk rock, and hip-hop that leans very heavily on dumb. I like Kesha. I like The Damned. I like FIDLAR. Lil Wayne is fried but he’s also the GOAT rapper.
Classical music isn’t my thing. Jazz is literal torture made by people trying to make me insane. After DeLa Soul I can’t listen to conscious rap (OK, I liked Kanye but that dude is crazy). I’m listening to be entertained, I don’t need a lecture, I don’t need to Learn Things. I can do that by reading a book.
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I hate talking about Grammar. I am educated, and should care. But I don’t. In fact, when I hear people correcting other peoples’ grammar I am annoyed at them.
Lots of good people in the world have shitty grammar and can’t spell to save their lives. I get it, you are Middle Class and Educated. No need to rub it in everyone’s faces.
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I think the love liberals have for Europe is pretentious and annoying. I know that I’m expected to believe that Europe does everything better. Sometimes they do. I would love a better national healthcare system. But it also seems absurd. Banning GMOs? Dumb anti-science paranoia. Having a unified currency without a unified political system? Jesus Christ that’s stupid.
And I don’t want lectures on democracy when the USA has had a longer-running democracy than almost anywhere. Did a parliamentary system stop Hitler? NOPE.
Also, can we talk about European films? I was forced to watch some boring ass movies growing up because that’s what Educated People watch. I don’t care if it makes people feel sophisticated or cosmopolitan. I want to be entertained.
And whenever a Euro says something about Americans being prudes, I am skeptical that they’re not just covering for some pervy dudes. I mean, we all know what Hugh Hefner was up to and he was saying the same thing. Did you see that Brooke Shields documentary? Franco Zeffirelli was gross as fuck. Louis Malle was gross as fuck.
Bernardo Bertolucci was a goddamn rapist. Roman Polanski is a child rapist. Gerard Depardieu is literally Pepe LePew. Maybe being “prudes” is better.
I’ve been to Europe. Some of it is nice. But before I go again, I’d rather just lounge on a beach in Cancun. I’ve seen enough cutesy European stuff and to be honest, if you’ve seen pictures you’ve seen the real thing.
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What is my point?
My point is that middle class liberals can be insufferable. I am on the left because I have no choice—I am not a full white person and I don’t believe in what conservatives are selling. And I mostly agree with liberal goals.
But sometimes I can’t believe the nonsense some liberals are saying. It’s classism and it turns people off. America is not a bad place. In fact, I’ve been to more than a dozen countries and I think we’re pretty great. Expecting everyone to live up to your standards is off-putting. You can be a trashy person and be just as good a liberal as anyone else.
People are not better people because their taste meets your standards.
People are not better people because they eat healthier.
People are not better people because they read the right books or watch the right movies.
People are not better people because they dream of vacationing in Europe.
People are not better people because they can spell, or have Good Grammar.
People are good people because they do good things.
So maybe pause before you speak sometimes guys.
Thanks.