From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I Know:
<> Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. Every time you hold in a fart an angel explodes.
<> Seven years later, the guy who compiled multiple books of embarrassing, language-mangling, gaffe-filled "Bushisms" is up to page two on his book of Obamaisms.
<> After Jeb Bush said during Tuesday night's debate that "we need more fencing," the president of Acme Epees ended up in the hospital with an erection lasting more than four hours.
<> When one of the dendrites in a House Freedom Caucus member's head goes out the whole string goes out.
<> I sold my precious pocketwatch so I could afford to buy my partner Michael a set of hair brushes. But unbeknownst to me he sold his precious hair so he could afford to buy me a watch fob. He laughed and said at least we've got each other. I stomped off, slammed the door, and declared Christmas ruined.
<> A citizenry that is scared all the time does not an exceptional country make.
<> Hillary, Bernie and Martin are superior to the entire Republican field by a factor of 16 quadrillion. Probably higher but my abacus caught fire.
<> Marco Rubio can't manage his household budget, he rarely shows up for work, he's a bigot, and he'd like your vote.
<> I can make you smile in five words: Martin Shkreli just got arrested.
<> Last night my TV said, "Want justice? Call Judge Judy." So I called the number on the screen and said I wanted to prosecute Bush and Cheney for war crimes.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, December 17, 2015
Note: Reindeer run over by revenge-seeking zombie grandma with hair matching color of blue and silver candles. Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Star Wars Episode VII: 0!!!!!
Days 'til the next Bronner Family Sing Along at Bronner’s CHRISTmas Wonderland in Frankenmuth, Michigan: 5
Minimum amount of advance box office sales for Star Wars VII: $100 million
Percent chance Seattle just became the first U.S. city to allow Uber and Lyft drivers to unionize over pay and working conditions, according to AP: 100%
Number of consecutive months during which U.S. airlines were above 80 percent on-time, according to the Transportation Department: 3
Average price for a gallon of gas, according to GasBuddy: $2.14
Portland, Maine's rank on TripAdvisor's new list of "top 10 destinations on the rise in the U.S.": #9
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
We live in a great nation---among the Christmas catalogs is one especially for dog owners, full of dandy things you can get for Bowser and Fido. I was perusing the item about the "Gourmet Bone Basket"---"He'll jump for joy when he sees this handwoven, bone-shaped basket brimming with over two pounds of the most popular dog treats"---when what to my wondering eyes should appear but the item immediately underneath the Christmas gift basket for your dog. "Hanukkah Bowl With Treats," in case your dog is Jewish.
"Say Mazel Tov to the dog in your life! Elegant, silver-plated 8-inch bowl is filled with hand-decorated, all natural peanut butter treats: six Star of David cookies and a Menorah bone, plus a furry ball squeak toy." Now that I think of it, the poodle has shown distinct symptoms of being Jewish for years: She's incredibly smart, has a mordant sense of humor and loves bagels.
---December 1998
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Puppy Pic of the Day (via Hulibow):
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CHEERS to the Obamacare juggernaut. Two days ago the deadline passed for people who want to sign up for a new health insurance plan in time for coverage to start on January 1. Or…did it? Actually, no:
“Because of the unprecedented demand and volume of consumers contacting our call center or visiting HealthCare.gov, we are extending the deadline to sign-up for January 1 coverage until 11:59pm PST December 17.
Hundreds of thousands have already selected plans over the last two days and approximately 1 million consumers have left their contact information to hold their place in line. Our goal is to provide access to affordable coverage, and the additional 48 hours will give consumers an opportunity to come back and complete their enrollment for January 1 coverage. ”
--Kevin Counihan, CEO of the Health Insurance Marketplaces
But in some states you have even more time, so check the list here. Meanwhile, Obamacare continues to free people from the condition called "job lock," giving them more freedom to pursue their career goals on their own without being chained to lousy jobs working for someone else because it's the only way they can get health insurance. So, in essence, Democrat Barack Obama has created conditions in America that promote more rugged individualism, entrepreneurship and boot-strap-up-pulling. No wonder Republicans are so pissed---he's stealing their act.
CHEERS to do-overs. Speaking of deadlines, if you or someone you know is thinking of going to Netroots Nation but you haven't registered yet, Raven Brooks has some good news about saving yourself some smackeroonies:
For three days only, we're rolling back our rate to attend Netroots Nation 2016! This year's conference is July 14-17 in St. Louis.
If you've been to Netroots Nation before, you know what a rich experience it is---from the hands-on trainings to the opportunities to connect with allies from across the world. And with issues like racial justice and police brutality at the forefront of today’s news, Netroots Nation is a huge opportunity for our community to support the activists doing great work around these issues daily.
As a special bonus, you can join us at the separate Connect! Act! Unite!/C&J dinner on Wednesday evening, July 13th---to RSVP send Navajo a kosmail. The NN16 discount ends tomorrow at midnight Pacific time. Click here to reserve your spot. And then think about what you'll do with the 50 bucks you're saving. I'm splitting mine between a down-payment on world peace and accordion lessons.
CHEERS to honoring a big commitment. I really want to keep this item positive, but I just have to say, thankfully for the last time on this issue, that Republicans are assholes for obstructing the funding of health care for 9/11 first responders with the lamest of excuses. Assholes assholes assholes and the phoniest of patriots. Okay…deep breath. Now on to the good stuff:
Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY), the lead sponsor of the Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act, announced that Senate and House leaders have agreed to include an effectively permanent, 75 year renewal of the World Trade Center Health Program and a five year, fully funded renewal of the September 11th Victim Compensation Fund in the final omnibus spending bill Congress is set to pass this week.
“Our 9/11 first responders never should have been forced to travel to Washington and walk the halls of Congress---legislation this important shouldn’t have needed so much convincing---but after dozens of trips, they finally got the job done and convinced Congress to fulfill its moral obligation to our 9/11 heroes.”
Special mention also to Jon Stewart, who used his mega-megaphone to raise a stink every time the Republican assholes tried to abandon the most inspiring group of dedicated Americans in the aftermath of that awful day. And in case I haven't said it recently, this seems like a good opportunity: fuck you too, al Qaeda.
CHEERS to the original airhead. On this date in 1903, after paying a $45 luggage fee, shuffling shoeless through security and spending eight-hours on the tarmac next to a screaming baby, Orville Wright made the first controlled, sustained flight in a power-driven airplane at Kitty Hawk on North Carolina's Outer Banks:
Because the Wrights wanted a strong wind for their next test flight, they waited until the early morning of December 17 to signal the station.
At the time of the flight, there was a 23–27 mile-an-hour wind, and it was bitterly cold. … Wilbur and Orville flipped a coin to see who would fly first. At 10:35 a.m., as the plane left the ground, Daniels, using Orville's camera, took a photograph of the first plane in flight with Orville at the controls and Wilbur alongside.
The jalopy-of-the-skies was in the air for less than a minute. It would've been longer but they ran out of booze.
CHEERS to doing the deed. President Obama has apparently steered us away from the Bush-era rocks of financial doom enough to make this happen:
The Federal Reserve announced Wednesday its first interest rate increase in more than nine years in a landmark move signaling the US has finally moved beyond the 2008 crisis. …
The Fed raised its benchmark federal funds rate, locked near zero since the financial crisis, by a quarter point to 0.25-0.50 percent, saying the economy is growing solidly and should accelerate next year to a respectable 2.4 percent pace.
"This action marks the end of an extraordinary seven-year period during which the federal funds rate was held near zero to support the recovery of the economy from the worst financial crisis and recession since the Great Depression," Yellen said. "It also recognizes the considerable progress that has been made toward restoring jobs, raising incomes, and easing the economic hardship of millions of Americans." The move was widely expected.
Public reaction to the announcement was ho-hum. Ironically, there appeared to be a lack of interest.
JEERS to lame attempts at swaying the tin-foil hat crowd. On this date in 1969, the U.S. Air Force closed its Project "Blue Book" by concluding there was no evidence of extraterrestrial spaceships behind the thousands of UFO sightings they'd investigated. It might have been more credible if the spokesperson delivering the news hadn't been speaking out of both sides of his tentacle.
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Twelve years ago in C&J: December 17, 2003
JEERS to Iraq war justification. Did Saddam have WMDs or not? Bush's latest response: "What's the difference?" Ah, it's good to be the king.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to that little scamp on popemobile wheels. Happy birthday (and many blessings on your camels), Pope Francis! He's 79 today. Honest to His Boss, I never thought a pope would win our Friday "Who Won the Week" poll, let alone six times, but Francis has the magic touch. He's not about to un-tether the Catholic church from the old ways, but at least he's opening discussions on contentious issues (climate change, the widening wealth gap, Gitmo detainees) and is ditching a lot of the fire-and-brimstone rhetoric of his predecessors. And bonus points for distracting us from the primary-season nuttiness with a visit to our humble oligarchy last fall, and setting the record straight about his split-second meet-'n-greet with Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis and her right-wing nutcase handlers, which came after a much longer and more joyous meeting with a former student who is gay and his partner of 19 years. I didn’t know what to get him as a present, so I went to Target, closed my eyes, spun myself around, opened my eyes back up and bought the thing I was pointing at. I hope he enjoys his new vacuum!
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"My approach, much to the frustration of the media, has been to bear hug Bill in Portland Maine, and smother him with love.”
---Ted Cruz
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