Hispanic Federation Fund for Puerto Rico Relief Link
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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Morons in Charge Edition
“President Trump was in Puerto Rico today to survey the hurricane damage. Trump looked around, then told the locals: ‘If I were you, I’d go stay at your second homes.’"
---Conan O’Brien
“Trump had a nice visit to Puerto Rico. He said it gave all the First Responders a chance to meet with the Last Responder.”
---Jimmy Fallon
“During a Cabinet meeting in July, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called President Trump a ‘moron.’ If Trump is upset Rex Tillerson called him a moron, wait ‘til he finds out what the rest of the country has been calling him.”
---Jimmy Kimmel
“Hold on there, Rex! Nobody calls our president a moron except me! And other world leaders. And, ultimately, history.”
---Stephen Colbert
“One of our government’s highest priorities is keeping deadly weapons out of the hands of murderous psychopaths. Unless they’re on American soil, in which case fuck it.”
---Samantha Bee
“Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr. were nearly indicted for fraud back in 2012 for misleading investors. The charges were mysteriously dropped after the district attorney received a $25,000 donation to his re-election campaign from---you guessed it---Donald Trump's personal attorney. Eric Trump has an airtight alibi: he had been left at home with a coloring book."
---James Corden
“Former first lady Michelle Obama criticized the lack of diversity in Congress. Said Congress: ‘Not true! We have white men from 50 different states!’”
---Seth Meyers
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 6, 2017
Note: Cheers and Jeers will not appear here on Monday as we will be at a combination Amway/twerking convention. Back Tuesday, possibly in a back brace.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the new Star Wars Episode VIII trailer drops: 3
Days 'til California's Half Moon Bay Art and Pumpkin Festival: 8
Minimum number of witnesses interviewed for the Senate Intelligence Committee’s Russia-Trump investigation: 100
Percent of Americans who believe the NFL players’ “take a knee/lock arms” protests are and are not appropriate, respectively, according to a new USA Today poll: 51%, 42%
Expected increase in holiday sales this year (same as last year’s), according to the National Retail Federation: 3.6%
Percent chance Donald Trump is a “fucking moron,” according to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: 7.3 inches from snout to tip…
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CHEERS to planet-saving judges sitting behind their planet-saving benches. You’ll notice that Elizabeth Laporte is on our list in this week’s C&J winners poll, and for good reason: she just ordered Secretary Ryan Zinke and his Interior Department to reinstate an Obama-era regulation limiting methane emissions from oil and gas production on federal land. The money quote is as short as it is sweet: “Immediately.”
The Interior Department had requested delaying implementation until 2019, claiming it was a regulatory burden that negatively affected energy production, but U.S.Magistrate Judge Elizabeth Laporte said the department did not give a "reasoned explanation" or say why it believed an analysis from the Obama administration was flawed.
The regulation, finalized last November, orders energy companies to capture methane that is burned off at drilling sites.
Methane is a pollutant and leading cause of global warming, and it's estimated that every year, $330 million worth of methane in the United States is wasted, either through leaks or intentional releases on federal lands.
If you’ve suddenly become light-headed after hearing that Republican policy arguments aren’t based on facts and reason, you’ll find fainting couches in the C&J gift shop. (Sorry, they’re Ikea, so you’ll have to build it before you hit the floor.)
JEERS to an eye to keep an eye on. And the hits just keep on comin’. This time it’s tropical storm Nate (which has already killed at least three people in Central America) that’s planning an assault on the Gulf coast. Forecasters say it’ll strengthen into a hurricane and then come knocking on Louisiana’s door Sunday morning. Here’s the estimated track from NOAA:
The good news: it won’t be a cat-4 or 5 whopper. The bad news: when it comes to the federal response, Trump is still the paper-towel-heaver-in-chief.
CHEERS to Great Moments Republican gaffery (and this was a biggun'). On September 6, 1976, President Gerald Ford claimed during a debate with Jimmy Carter that there was "no Soviet domination in Eastern Europe." The GOP let 72 hours pass before correcting themselves, giving Carter time to drop the hammer. Today, of course, Republicans don’t even bother to correct anything. They just get Fox News to stick a "(D)" next to the offender's name and send in the clowns from Breitbart.com to concoct a new story. Heh, corrections. Really...how quaint.
JEERS to the bizarre life cycle of the disgraced conservative cockroach. Republican congressman Tim Murphy (genus teabaggus dirtbaggus) of Pennsylvania’s political career is mortally wounded---he’s resigning effective October 21st after taking flight with his wandering pecker and getting hit by the Oh God My Mistress Is Pregnant How Fast Can You Get An Abortion bus. Witnesses say there was hypocrisy goo all over the windshield that no amount of Windex could entirely clean up. He’ll finish out his term, then disappear for three months into a shame cocoon before re-emerging as a colorful Fox News “political analyst.” Among the lessons we hope you learn from this item: don’t screw around on your spouse, keep abortion legal, and don’t write Cheers and Jeers while the National Geographic channel is on.
JEERS to Groundhog Day: Gridiron Edition. 101 years ago tomorrow, on October 7, 1916, Georgia Tech Engineers scored a touchdown against the Cumberland University (Tennessee) Bulldogs. Then they scored another. And another. And another. And another. And another. By the time they were done the scoreboard read 222-0---the most lopsided game in college football history. When asked by their coach why they didn't execute any of the plays they'd spent three months practicing, the Cumberland players responded: "You didn't say please." It's always the little things.
JEERS to C&J getting an F. We had one school assignment yesterday: remember to commemorate UNESCO's annual World Teachers Day. As usual, we forgot. Also as usual, we blamed it on the dog. Also as usual, we'll had to spend the day outside clapping erasers.
CHEERS to civility. The "Complete Book of Etiquette" was first published 65 years ago this Sunday, on October 8, 1952. Lesson #1: Be nice to everyone. Lesson #2: If Lesson #1 doesn’t work, release the spike in the toe of your shoe and aim for the shins.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Nothing seismic on the boob tube this weekend, but here’s a thing or two that might pique your eyeballs’ interest. After Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow---fresh off her double Emmy win last night---tonight on MSNBC, Bill Maher talks with Billy Crystal, Russell Brand, Harold Ford, Jr., Steve Schmidt and New York magazine’s Olivia Nuzzi on HBO’s Real Time. New home video releases include Brian Cox’s rendition of Churchill and Sundance favorite A Ghost Story. The baseball schedule is here, the hockey schedule is here and the professional concussion league schedule is here. Wonder Woman Gal Gadot hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: political strategist Brad Parscale (the show’s third straight week of giving a tongue bath to a right-winger) and restaurateur Danny Meyer. ABC’s new season of America’s Funniest Home Videos premieres, reminding us once again why America needs Obamacare. And John Oliver ends the week with a British-accented exclamation point on HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: The humanization of Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA) continues, as post-shooting treacle takes precedence over his despicable policy positions and KKK ties. Heckuva job, Chuck.
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: No one should ever willingly tune in to a “news” show that promotes Rick Santorum as one of America’s sharpest political minds. But Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT) is the main guest, so a few minutes might be worth a look-see. MoveOn’s Karin Jean-Pierre is on the pundit roundtable. Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI) is also on, but you can skip him---he’s a moron. Not a Trump-grade moron, but definitely on the B-list.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Oh, good gravy: “casino magnate Steve Wynn on the extraordinary measures taken to secure his properties.” A little late there, pal, aren’t ya?
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 6, 2007
CHEERS to coinin' a phrase. Not content to let Stephen Colbert hog the limelight for inventing "truthiness," Jon Stewart takes a turn at increasing the English vocabulary re: Iraq...
“What's it called when a hellhole meets a cataclysm? A catastrofuck.”
Study up, kids---that'll be in the final round at the 2007 National Spelling Bee.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to living saints. Let's hear it for Archbishop Desmond Tutu! The Nobel Peace Prize winner and all-around amazing human being turns 86 tomorrow. (If you feel so moved, you can make a donation to the Desmond Tutu Peace Foundation) A few reasons why we love him:
“We know that you know that human beings may look and worship differently---and some may have greater firepower than others---but none are superior and none inferior; that when you scratch the surface we are all the same, members of one family, the human family; that there are no natural differences between Buddhists and Muslims; and that whether we are Jews or Hindus, Christians or atheists, we are born to love, without prejudice. Discrimination doesn't come naturally; it is taught.”
---From a Sept. 7 open letter to Aung San Suu Kyi critical of her silence over the purge of Rohingya Muslims from Myanmar
"As a young priest I traveled to the United States to meet leaders of the civil rights movement, and rejoiced in their victories over prejudice and discrimination. Today, I battle to reconcile that joy with the disproportionate number of African Americans in prison and being shot in the streets."
"I've been married for 56 years and Leah has been very good at keeping my head the right size. Once I was driving and when I looked at her she looked slightly more complacent and self-satisfied than usual. When I wondered why, she showed me this bumper sticker that said: Any woman who wants to be equal to a man has no ambition."
“I would refuse to go to a homophobic heaven. No, I would say sorry, I mean I would much rather go to the other place.”
"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality."
Or, as translated by America's right-wing religious grifter class: "Blah blah blah..."
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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