From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Just Another Week on the Blue Marble
"The longest government shutdown in history is still going, and the effects continue to pile up…which is awkward for President Trump. His big State of the Union Speech is two weeks away, although today Nancy Pelosi suggested that maybe now is not a good time. And she's kind of right. It's tough to convince people that the state of the union is strong when you have to give the speech by candlelight because the government hasn’t paid its bills."
---Trevor Noah
"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi sent Donald Trump a letter asking him to reschedule the State of the Union. … Pointing out that until Woodrow Wilson was president, presidents didn’t give the State of the Union in person. Pelosi gave Trump the option to deliver it in writing. Really? In writing? Have you seen how this guy spells? He's just gonna tweet: "The Stat of our Uniom is….STRANG!"
---Stephen Colbert
"Maybe pick a different week to reference a character known for being a cheap, lazy coward who’s obsessed with hamburgers."
---Samantha Bee, responding to Mike Huckabee's tweet suggesting Democrats be called 'Wimpy’ because "We will gladly give you border security Tuesday for legalizing another 11 million illegal immigrants today!"
"President Trump told reporters today that he has never worked for Russia. Cuz you know what they say: it ain't work if you love what you do."
---Seth Meyers
"Karen Pence has taken a job as an art teacher at a school that bans gay and lesbian students and teachers. The school agreement explicitly states they will refuse admission to students who participate in or condone what they call ‘homosexual behavior.’ It's like a Slytherin-only Hogwarts."
---Jimmy Kimmel
Come on down and splash. We’re bobbing for hamberders. (Is this a great countrty or what?) Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 18, 2019
Note: The Department of Tyranny Resistance reminds you that it’s time to change the batteries in your bullshit detector. Be sure to test its functionality by saying "Donald Trump will drain the swamp" until it screeches. Thank you and have a fact-filled weekend. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Valentine’s Day: 27
Days 'til the Bigfoot Snowshoe Festival in Midway, Utah : 8
Percent of Americans who smoked in 1965 and 2017, respectively: 42%, 14%
Extra life expectancy of non-smokers than smokers in the U.S., according to the latest CDC data: 10 years
Number of times the presidential oath of office was given outside of Washington, D.C. (Washington, Adams, Arthur, Coolidge, T. Roosevelt, LBJ): 6
Year during which women were included in an inaugural parade for the first time: 1917
Maine sales of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky last year, surpassing Allen's Coffee Flavored Brandy as our state's #1 liquor: $10.1 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Bad, hawk…BAD!
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CHEERS to pussyhats and shoe leather. So far hundreds of weekend women’s marches are slated around the country (and some in Europe). The main one, which was in Las Vegas last year, is heading back to Washington, D.C. tomorrow, and you can get details, including some shutdown-related changes, here. Meanwhile, there are the usual satellite marches, and that map is right here. (Portland Maine’s starts at 11am at Congress Square.) Weather's gonna be a factor at many of them, so here's a handy forecast map:
I don’t know what I’m looking forward to most: the crowd sizes, the speeches, or the creative fonts people use to write “impeach” on their signs.
CHEERS to the day Donald Trump told the truth. Mark it in your history books, kids, this is quite an achievement. Reaching deep into his pea-size brain mass, he actually managed to rub two dendrites together and come up with his first claim that PolitiFact rated TRUE:
“We are getting crushed!”
Now half-off in the C&J gift shop: fainting couches and smelling salts.
CHEERS to thanksgiving---the state of mind, not the holiday. As in, thank goodness it was a Democrat---FDR---taking the oath of office for an unprecedented fourth time on Sunday’s date in 1945. He was eight years younger than Trump is now. But, boy, does he look wrung-out:
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We're sorry he had to be the one to find out that three terms is enough to kill a man. But thanks for winning a war worth fighting. And Social Security. Meanwhile, 58 years ago tomorrow, JFK gave his one and only inaugural address, during which he said: "Ask not what your country can do for you---ask what you can do for your country." I plan to heed his mandate this weekend by baking 323.1 million cupcakes.
CHEERS to Synonym Fever! Happy 240th Birthday to Peter Roget, who published the first Thesaurus in 1852 (a decades-long endeavor undertaken in part to help him deal with bouts of depression). Curious if there was a synonym for thesaurus, I went to---where else?---Thesaurus.com to find out. Their list is BOGUS, and let me tell you for the umpteenth time why:
A thesaurus is a glossary, but a glossary isn’t necessarily a thesaurus.
A thesaurus is a language reference book, but a language reference book isn’t necessarily a thesaurus.
A thesaurus is a storehouse of words and a treasury of words and even a word list, but neither a storehouse of words nor a treasury of words nor a word list is necessarily a thesaurus.
A thesaurus is an onomasticon, but an onomasticon is not necessarily a thesaurus.
Now you know why the one thing my parents made sure never to run out of was earplugs.
CHEERS to the most beautiful spread of land in the universe. Happy 90th Birthday---aka Acadia Name Day---tomorrow to Maine's Acadia National Park. Miles and miles of unspoiled and federally protected nature that invite travelers to rest their weary bones and let the soul-replenishing eye candy revive their hopes for a better tomorrow:
But it’s not as joyous an occasion it should be. Thanks to the Trump shutdown, the park is still “as accessible as possible,” but roughly 21,380 National Park Service employees are furloughed until Lord Dampnut realizes his border hoax is more of an anchor around his wattle than a life preserver. And a national park without national park rangers is just...wrong.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on the squawk box this weekend, starting with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O’Donnell processing the Friday news dumps on MSNBC, a huge service given how crazy every single day is in the Dotard Era.
Tonight at 8:30, Women's March co-president Tamika Mallory is the guest on PBS's Firing Line, and at 9 on ABC there's a look back at the rise and fall of the Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker empire. (Sadly, the religious grifters, including Jim "Slop Bucket" Bakker, are still fleecing their gullible flocks). HBO's Real Time returns tonight (10pm) with Bill Maher welcoming guests Gov. John Kasich, Marshawn Lynch, Rep. Barney Frank, columnist Catherine Rampell and---ugh---Erick Erickson. Tomorrow night, SNL returns with host Rachel Brosnahan ("The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel"). New home video releases include Robert Redford's Golden Globe-nominated turn in The Old Man and the Gun, and, on digital only, Bradley Cooper's A Star is Born. The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here. Sunday will be dominated by football, as the New Orleans Saints battle the Los Angeles Rams for the NFC title (3pm, Fox), and the New England Patriots take on the Kansas City Chiefs in the AFC (6:30ET, CBS). The winners will face each other during the Wardrobe Malfunction Bowl on February 3rd.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: TBA
Meet the Press: Sens. Amy Klobuchar and Mark Warner (D-VA); also vile pond scum Liz Cheney (R-WY).
Face the Nation: House Intelligence Committee Chair Adam Schiff (D-CA); Sens. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) and John Kennedy (R-LA); former Special Presidential Envoy for the Global Coalition to Defeat ISIS Brett McGurk gives his first interview since leaving the Trump Mad House...er, White House.
CNN's State of the Union: 2020 presidential contenders Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) and Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: House Majority Whip Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC);
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 18, 2009
CHEERS to my li'l inaugural checklist. Since next Tuesday is going to be a nonstop whirling dervish of crazy, I'm writing down the essentials I'll need to adequately participate in the events of January 20, 2009:
>> Hope
>> Pride
>> Unity
>> Optimism
>> Awe
>> Euphoria
>> A gnawing sense of cynicism fueled by the creeping yet irrational suspicion that this guy is going to act like a typical politician, over-compromising and under-dreaming, ultimately ending up just another in a long string of disappointments and paving the way for President Duncan Hunter.
And also: a giant wheel of cheese embossed with the presidential seal. Low-salt.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to striking it rich. I hardly ever get any Kosmail messages. Most of them are pleas by management to take a bath, stop saying stupid shit, take that dumb MAGA hat off my head (I wear it IRONICALLY, people!), and just grow up already. But, boy, I sure hit pay dirt this week when this little missive rained pennies from Heaven into our humble DKos in-box:
Hello My Good Friend,
How are you doing?
I left an American Express Amex (sic) card of $250.(sic)000.00 with my secretary to sending it (sic) to you as my compensation regards to (sic) your effort to see that the transaction is successful may (sic) almighty God continue to bless you for your cheerful support which I have (sic) did not forgot (sic).
All you need to do is to (sic) contact my secretary right away by making reference to this message and instruct him to send your American Express Amex (sic) card that I instructed him to send to you upon your request.
Here is the contact information of my secretary in Benin for you to contact him (sic) for immediate release of your American Express Amex (sic) Card of $250.(sic)000.00:
His Name is: Frank Morrison
Please do not forget to send him your contact details when contacting him to enable him send (sic) the American Express Amex (sic) card to your real address through FedEx or DHL Currier service.
Kindest Regards,
Michael Bio
At first I thought, wow, I’m in the money. But then I thought, no, I feel like paying it forward. So I gave Mr. Bio’s secretary Frank your contact details. And if I may say: may almighty God continue to bless you for your cheerful support which I have (sic) did not forgot (sic) either. Group hug?
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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