From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: "Bjye-Bjye, Gjhoul" Editjion
"Kirstjen Nielsen stepped down as Homeland Security secretary, presumably to spend more time with her family after a house fell on her sister. Kirstjen is a lying ghoul who enforced policies that tore families apart and impacted thousands of lives. Nothing good will come from her tenure at the Department of Homeland Security except perhaps Sarah Paulson's Emmy Award-winning portrayal of Nielsen on American Crime Story 2024.
—Samantha Bee
“Obama didn’t have a family separation policy. Remember, it was announced as policy by Jeff Sessions. It was the brainchild of Stephen Miller and John Kelly, who told Kirstjen Nielsen to implement it, and now she’ll be scraping that hot black tar off her soul for the rest of eternity.”
—Stephen Colbert, on Trump's false accusation that the Obama administration started the policy of kidnapping and then losing the children of asylum seekers
"Attorney General William Barr testified before the Senate Appropriations Committee, and said he believes there was spying into the 2016 Trump campaign, but that he has no specific evidence. Democrats called the claim ridiculous, while Fox News called it 'a great audition.'"
—Seth Meyers
"According to a new article, President Trump took a guided tour of George Washington's Mount Vernon estate, and during the tour criticized Washington by saying, 'If he was smart he would’ve put his name on it. You've got to put your name on stuff or no one remembers you.’ Trump then left Mount Vernon and went back…to Washington D.C."
—James Corden
"There's one Republican with skin even thinner than Donald Trump's, and that honor goes to California congressman Devin Nunes. If you're not familiar with Devin Nunes, he's basically the toilet paper stuck to Trump's shoe."
—Jimmy Kimmel
And one year ago...
“Paul Ryan is retiring. He said that after twenty years in Congress, it's time to let someone else get nothing done.”
---Jimmy Fallon
Golly gee, I miss him. Said nobody.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 12, 2019
Note: Billy Barr summarized the Mueller Report in four pages. Billy in Portland Maine will now summarize it in four words: "Trump's guilty as [Redacted]." Please impeach accordingly. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Earth Day: 10
Days 'til the 35th annual Gathering of Nations Powow in Albuquerque: 13
Percent chance that YouTube had to disable the comments on livestreams of the House hearing on white supremacy because they were so viciously racist: 100%
Rank of the U.S. among the most densely-populated countries on earth: #146
Rank of Macau and Monaco on the most-densely-populated list: #1 (Tie)
Percent chance that Amazon has thousands of workers around the world listening to private Alexa conversations "with the goal of helping improve the speech assistant’s technology": 100%
Number of deaths so far in Game of Thrones since it started airing: 2,339
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In Gardiner, Maine, a deaf man finds his puppy soul mate…
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CHEERS to making it all official-like. He's rocketing up the charts like The Macarena did in '96, and this Sunday at 12 noon Pete Buttigieg (pronounced: Booty judge) will step onto a stage in South Bend, Indiana---hopefully an indoor stage because rain is in the forecast---and announce that his 2020 exploratory committee has given him the green light to run for president of These Freaking United States of America The Beautiful For Spacious Skies and All The Purple Mountains Majesty Plus Of Course The Nukes:
Here at C&J HQ, we're excited about his candidacy, partly because of this Wired article by South Bend native Paul Tullis about how "Mayor Pete" turned the crumbling Studebaker city into a thriving tech town, and partly because it's historic to see an openly-gay (and married to a charismatic husband) candidate in the race and nobody besides Mike Pence is throwing a Buttifit over it. At the same time, though, he still has to buy my vote. So we'll see how much Butticoin ends up in my account 'round about 1 o'clock Sunday and then make our decision. (For purposes of transparency: the whippersnapper from Texas is currently leading with 1 billion Beto Bucks. Sounds impressive but, as we found out, that's only worth half a Salisbury steak at Country Buffet.)
CHEERS to sticking the landing—thrice! Nice way to end the week---with some happy space news (as if photographing a black hole wasn’t enough): SpaceX made history yesterday by launching a Falcon Humongo rocket, deploying a satellite designed to beam reruns of Teletubbies into every home in the world, while landing the reusable side boosters on Stages 1 and 2, and the center booster on the tiny barge called "Of Course I Still Love you" in the Atlantic Ocean. Take a look (the launch starts at 19:50):
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Meanwhile, we’re sorry to hear the news about Israel's moon lander Beresheet. It reportedly crashed and died shortly after receiving a communication from mission control yesterday. The message it received moments before self-destructing: "Hey, Beresheet! Benjamin Netanyahu just won reelection for a fifth term!"
JEERS to cerebral hemorrhages. They suck. Franklin Roosevelt died from one 74 years ago today down in Warm Springs, Georgia. His private Secretary Grace Tully recounts what happened here. A snip:
The shock was unexpected and the actuality of the event was outside belief.
Without a word or a glance toward the others present, I walked into the bedroom, leaned over and kissed the President lightly on the forehead. Then I walked out on the porch and stood wordless and tearless. In my heart were prayers and, finally, in my mind came thoughts, a flood of them drawn from seventeen years of acquaintance, close association and reverent admiration. Through them, one recurred constantly—that the Boss had always shunned emotionalism and that I must, for the immediate present at least, behave in his pattern.
I did, for a matter of hours.
While FDR's generation got a rendezvous with destiny, ours got a rendezvous with a fuckup named Dubya and, eight years later, another fuckup named Dampnut, and we'll be paying for it the rest of our lives—thanks alot, fate. Now comb your hair and go pay your respects. As always, regards to Eleanor.
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. I'm bored. Everyone hop in my private jet (don’t forget the kiddie pool) and let's pop over to India, where elections took place yesterday and about which NPR rounded up some fun facts. Warning: #5 may shock you…
1 in 8: Proportion of [the world's] human beings eligible to vote in Indian elections
2,293 & 8,000+: Political parties and candidates, national and local, contesting Indian elections
1 million: Polling stations set up across India
At least $345 million: Value of cash, drugs, alcohol and goods confiscated so far from politicians attempting to bribe voters with gifts
5,256: Feet in elevation above sea level of India's highest-altitude polling station in Tashigang, a Buddhist settlement near the Chinese border
66 percent: Voter turnout for the last Indian elections, in 2014
And the winner is: whoever got the polling place port-o-potty contract.
JEERS to opening a can of whupass that would end very badly for the can openers. On April 12, 1861, in one of the most tragic mix-ups in American history, Confederate troops accidentally fired cannons loaded with lead projectiles—instead of their "prank" cannons loaded with confetti—at Fort Sumter, thus igniting the Civil War. Northerners...so touchy.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Game…of…Thrones. I'm kinda keen on it, so Sunday's season premiere on HBO will be the highlight of my weekend teevee viewing. (Now if I could just remember any of the character's names, or any of the kingdom names, or any of the anything about it…hey, I’m just here for the senseless stabbings.)
But before that, Chris, Rachel and Lawrence sift through the rubble of the Friday news dumps tonight on MSNBC. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Newsweek columnist Seth Abramson, Dave Barry, Matt Welch (Reason magazine), Democratic pollster Cornell Belcher, and former Ambassador Wendy Sherman. New home video releases include Will Ferrell's Best Picture Oscar winner Holmes and Watson and the Ruth Bader Ginsburg biopic On the Basis of Sex. The baseball schedule is here, the NBA playoff schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. Oh, and The Masters putt-putt golf tournament continues this weekend. (As usual, the most exciting action will be at the 13th “Windmill” hole.) Goddess Emma Stone hosts SNL with musical guest Bill in Portland Maine and the Mighty Squirrel Walnut Cloggers. On 60 Minutes: a profile of the Golden State Warriors and interviews with the wacky cast of the popular HBO sitcom Game of Thrones, which airs Sunday night at 9, followed by new episodes of Veep and John Oliver's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: 2020 presidential candidate Jay Inslee (D-WA); Kellyanne Conway brings her binders full of alternative facts to the table.
This Week: Homeland Security Committee Chair Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-MS) kicks off the show with facts. Then Sarah H’yuckabee Sanders will come in and sandblast the truth off the walls. Plus: Julian Assange’s attorney Jennifer Robinson.
Face the Nation: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Cory Booker (D-NJ); Trump campaign weirdo Brad Parscale; Kellyanne Liarway.
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. and 2020 presidential candidate Eric Swalwell (Campaign slogan: “All’s Well That’s Swalwell”); Rep. and House Judiciary Committee Chair Jerry Nadler (D-NY); Sen. Rick Scott (R-Slitherville); Andrew Gillum.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Ben Cardin (D-MD) kicks off the show with facts. Then Sarah H’yuckabee Sanders will come on to sandblast the truth off the walls.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 12, 2009
CHEERS to great eggspectations. Sorry, but it's no surprise to us that the White House hasn’t moved yet on repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Or enacted federally-recognized marriage equality legislation. Or stomped its feet impatiently over lack of an ENDA or hate crimes bill to sign. But, hey, at least they're throwing us a bone for Easter:
In another break from tradition, the White House announced yesterday that it distributed tickets for the Egg Roll to gay and lesbian parents to ensure these families were included in the event. According to the AP, the White House reached out to various LGBT organizations and over 100 of these families are expected to attend.
Yay! Go us! The event, by the way, is expected to be happier this year for everyone who attends, mainly because Dick Cheney won’t be running around with a broom yelling, "You kids get off my lawn!"
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Today's Omigod Moment. Omigod Omigod Omigod Omigod Omigod Omigod Omigod Omigod Omigod Omigod Omigod YOU GUYS!!! The first trailer for Star Wars Episode IX came out today and it makes me want to do a happy cantina dance for one simple reason: it looks freakin' epic…
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251 days and counting. Assuming somebody can keep Lord Dampnut’s fingers on his cheeseburgers instead of the nuke button for that long.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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