From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Statement From NOAA
September 9, 2019
This is a follow-up statement to our excellent and very great anonymous statement of September 6, 2019 in which we proved that President Trump was right about Hurricane Dorian ravaging the Alabama coast:
1) The so-called "Sharpie line" was part of that original NOAA whether map and was not drawn in later by anyone, especially not the president. We used black for maximum contrast as our way of saying, "Hey Alabama! Look here! Very (much) serious! We're emergency preparing you!" Any arguments to the contrary are not only fake news, but an attack on our country. In sum: no Sharpie, no Sharpie, you’re the Sharpie.
2) The president is 100% correct about never hearing about category-5 hurricanes before. We in the executive management of NOAA had never heard of a “Cat 5” before Hurricane Dorian, either. This was an unprecedented whether event, and we were just as shocked as he was. When will the fake media apologize?
4) We, the management at NOAA, agree that we absolutely need President Trump's excellent border wall. In addition to stopping the caravans of rapists, terrorists and murderers pouring through our open borders created by Obama and all the other presidents—sadly, including Lincoln and Washington, although credit to Lincoln for freeing the slaves and Washington for liberating the airports from the British—a tall, strong (very strong!) wall also keeps out undesirable whether events like Mexican hurricanes.
9) Because of their hasty and vindictive actions last week, we are now designating the Alabama office of the National Whether Service as "fake forecasters" and will be erecting a very big and beautiful sign reading "enemy of the people" on the front of their building. (The sign would've been very expensive to produce, but we negotiated a great deal on it, a very great deal!) Alabama residents are urged to listen to either the Mississippi or Florida offices, which are both making forecasts great again.
End of statement by independent NOAA spokesman John Barron. Notarized by independent NOAA notarizer David Dennison.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, September 9, 2019
Note: "Make America Grate Again!"
—A message from your friends at the National Council of Crazy Cheese People
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til autumn: 14
Days 'til the Louisville Pride Festival: 12
Number of executive orders Texas Governor Greg Abbott signed last week that have anything to do with restricting gun access: 0
Percent of Americans in a new Pew poll who say they trust law enforcement to use facial-recognition technology responsibly: 56%
Estimated worldwide sales of meat substitutes, like Kelloggs' new "Incogmeato" burger, over the next decade, according to Barclays: $140 billion
Percent chance that the Trump campaign just made former nutcase governor Paul LePage their "honorary 2020 chairman" in Maine: 100%
Weeks in the last 20 years that the Cleveland Browns have played better than average, according to FiveThirtyEight, who says the team has a decent shot of making the playoffs this year: 10
Totally Random NFL Score
New England 33 Pittsburgh 3
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Not that I want to pee on anyone's parade, but I'd just like to point out that, historically speaking, Welsh Corgis are notorious ballot stuffers. Jus' sayin’.
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CHEERS to the home of 55 Awesome Electoral Votes. Our first cheer of the morning goes out to our lefty-coaster friends: on September 9, 1850, California became the 31st state in the union and began its amazing journey to becoming the fifth-largest economy in the world. I have nothing but a “we’re not worthy” mantra to offer as you use your legislative and judicial guns to stymie the D.C. fascists at every opportunity. And you make pretty good movies sometimes, too—and great vino. For being a beacon of democracy and making the current executive branch in D.C. frequently break out in hives, please enjoy this well-placed squirt from Hollywood Boulevard…
And if there's anything—anything at all like, say, send native daughter Kamala Harris to the White House—that the rest of us can do to make you Golden Staters more comfortable, just ask. We love you, California. We love you, we love you, we love you. Especially every four years in November.
CHEERS to gavel-banging at dawn. No more laughing, no more fun, no more giving Trump free rein to destroy America from both the inside and the outside, and of course no more chewing bubble gum: the House is back from vacation starting riiiiight….now. On the calendar this week: hearings over the Coastal and Marine Economies Act, internet security, student loan reform, highway congestion, and identity theft. Oh, and this might, as the media like to say, "raise a few eyebrows"…
With a majority of House Democrats now supporting an impeachment investigation into President Donald Trump, the House Judiciary Committee is expected to vote on Wednesday on a resolution that would establish parameters and procedures for future hearings.
According to Politico, the coming resolution was discussed by committee Democrats during a Friday conference call, and a draft is expected to be released on Monday. […]
The number of House Democrats calling for an impeachment investigation has grown to 134, a majority, with most putting aside whether or not the move is politically advantageous.
There are many questions committee members will be facing this week. Like: how will these hearings be conducted? How will subpoenas be enforced? What's the time frame? And, most important: Will our committee table be able to bear the weight of the pile of charges against Trump? (Personally, I'd suggest a reinforcing steel beam or two, just to be safe.)
JEERS to the Founding Flip-floppers. On this date in 1776, the Continental Congress, caving to the pressure of cutthroat lobbyists and industrialist billionaires, officially changed our country's name from "United Colonies" to "United States." Of course, the name has changed again in recent years. Thanks exclusively to the Russia-backed Republican hate cult, today we call it,"United? Ha!"
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Fox News’s Shep Smith asks: “What happened to conservatives’ complaints about deficits and spending?”
Flushhhhhhh...
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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JEERS to the not-so-great emancipator. Robert Mugabe started out his life fighting for independence from British rule. Having succeeded at doing just that for Southern Rhodesia, which became Zimbabwe, Mugabe turned into a real hard-line piece of dictatorial shit (complete with Hitler mustache), and by the time he expired last week a broad consensus of human rights watchers agreed that he was guilty of crimes against humanity. He cheated at elections, committed genocide, sucked at ending poverty, lived an opulent lifestyle and, as so many tyrants do, swaddled his evil in an air of charming civility that gave other world leaders the cover they needed to treat him with kid gloves. Glad he’s gone, as are most of the people in Zimbabwe who were sick of him and had no complaints when he was kicked out in 2017 via coup. But I do have a policy of saying at least one nice thing about the recently-departed, so here goes. Nice dinner jacket:
Mugabe was 95 when he kicked the bucket. After a short elevator ride, he was welcomed by new Gates of Hell greeter David Koch, who we hear looks fetching in his new flaming overalls.
CHEERS to the Peacock Network. Ninety-three years ago today—in 1926—the National Broadcasting Company (NBC) was organized. Their news division (and cable spin-off) is about the only one I can stomach these days (garbage dumps Morning Joe and Meet the Press excepted), and their history is dotted with so many awesome shows (start with Johnny Carson and Laugh-In and West Wing and Cheers and Frasier and The Office and go from there) that it makes me wanna hit the lottery so I can spend the rest of my life re-watching 'em all. But as far as we're concerned, their most lasting legacy will always be those chimes...
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But not everyone's impressed. "Too many notes," said the Austrian emperor.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 9, 2009
CHEERS to the grownup in the room. So...this is it. Tonight the lines are drawn in the sand. The President will explain to a joint session of Congress and the unwashed citizenry what he wants in healthcare reform legislation. The stakes are high and the tension is higher. This is a test that America has put off too long. Tonight it comes to a head. And this morning I can reveal a crucial part of the event. I'm speaking, of course, of the drinking-game rules:
Take a swig every time Obama says we can no longer afford to wait for healthcare reform; tells a story of a struggling family; or debunks a right-wing myth.
Take a shot every time he continues speaking through applause for effect; cracks himself up with a joke; or calls for a "bipartisan solution."
And drain the bottle if even a single Republican stands up and applauds when Obama talks about his support for a government-backed health insurance option.
Just a hunch, but I'm guessing it'll be mostly the swigs that put me under the table. [9/9/19 Update: And if your list included "Republican congressman yells 'You lie!' in violation of every rule, norm, and courtesy," congratulations. You now own the entire distillery.]
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And just one more…
JEERS to President Perv. P. Pervert. We whisk you back now to a simpler, more innocent time, when children played stickball in the streets, cherry pies cooled on windowsills, and Lean Back by Terror Squad was at the top of the pop charts. Fifteen years ago this week, creepy President Bush took a deep breath, disengaged brain, and bellowed, "We got an issue in America. Too many good docs are gettin' out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." They got it on tape and everything…
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I always wondered why he didn’t express the same concern about proctologists. After all, the only doctors willing to examine him and his cabinet members were the ones who specialize in practicing their love with assholes.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"There's just no getting through to Bill in Portland Maine, and you can kiss your plans for the day goodbye because you're basically stuck looking after a 4-year-old now."
—Member of BiPM's legal team
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