From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Trumpnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
"This week Democrats announced that they would be moving toward impeachment by Christmas. So Trump was right: a lot of Americans will be saying 'Merry Christmas' again."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"For only the fourth time in American history, articles of impeachment were drafted against a sitting president. It's something that no one could've predicted. Until Trump was elected."
—Stephen Colbert
“That’s right. Democrats have officially announced articles of impeachment to show that, other than Steven Seagal, no one is above the law.”
—Trevor Noah
“It’s not even hard to find the crimes with this guy. It’s like a Where’s Waldo where Waldo is right in the middle of the map with a giant bag of cash in one hand and giving you the finger with the other.”
—Seth Meyers
"This is going to be a marathon—not a sprint—so stay mad, stay vigilant, and stay away from Devin Nunes if you see him on the street."
—Samantha Bee
And that infamous holly jolly day six years ago:
Clip of Fox News host Megyn Kelly: For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white.
Jon Stewart: Santa is just white? Who are you actually talking to—children who are sophisticated enough to be watching a news channel at 10 o'clock at night, yet innocent enough to still believe Santa Claus is real, yet racist enough to be freaked out if he isn’t white?"
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 13, 2019
Note: Today is Friday the 13th. We hope you panicked responsibly.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of Hanukkah: 9
Days 'til the San Francisco Tape Music Festival: 28
Start date of the Newtown parents vs. Remington Arms trial linked to the Sandy Hook massacre in 2012: 9/21/21
Percent of registered voters who say an elected official should be impeached and removed from office for abuse of power, according to a new Economist/YouGov poll: 66%
Percent of Trump voters who say abuse of power merits removal: 42%
Cost of securing all of the gifts in The Twelve Days of Christmas this year, down $101 from last year according to the annual PNC Wealth Management Index: $38,993.59
Number of Beatles who never wrote or recorded a song specifically about Christmas: 1 (George Harrison)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans...
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JEERS to premature cut-offiness. Thanks to the truncated (“Trumpcated?”) enrollment period, Sunday is, for most states, the last day to sign up for a 2020 Obamacare health plan in time to start coverage on January 1st. You only have mere hours left! Here, let me hit you over the head one more time with a flashy graphic I paid one million dollars to commission (rest assured the electricity is provided in an environmentally-friendly way, with 20% solar, 30% wind, 25% geothermal, and 25% used cooking grease):
I stayed with a basic silver plan, and after consulting with my death panel I decided to add the hospice stripper option. It costs a few bucks extra. But if I ever need it, they’ll let me pay my monthly premium by slipping dollar bills into their g-strings. What a way to go.
CHEERS to gittin’ er done. With 23 “ayes” and 17 “oink oinks,” the House Judiciary Committee approved the twin articles of impeachment (abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, on Friday the 13th, no less) against our corrupt president and hustled ‘em over to the full floor, where they’ll be voted on as early as next week. For those of you just joining our planetary meltdown in progress, here’s the simplest possible way to explain the July 25th “smoking gun” phone call between Trump and the president of Ukraine, courtesy of the Judiciary Committee vice chair...
Sharpie. Nice touch.
CHEERS to out-of-the-box thinkers. After doling out a #BeBest tongue-lashing when an impeachment hearing witness merely referenced her son Barron, First Lady Melania Trump clammed up after her husband, the President of the United States, viciously mocked 16-year-old autistic climate activist Greta Thunberg, who had the audacity to be chosen TIME magazine's Person of the Year. On the opposite end of the civility spectrum, though, author Steve Silberman came out of his socks over TIME's choice because he says it offers a window into the importance of celebrating what he calls "the Future of neurodiversity":
As the author of a history of autism, I've said for years that gut-level loathing for unfairness and injustice could practically be added to the diagnostic criteria for autism.
At this point in human history, when lies and denial of facts are dooming future generations, Greta's monotropic insistence on "walking her talk," and her impatience even for vacuous praise instead of meaningful action, are vivid demonstrations of the role neurodivergent people can play in the advancement of human civilization. In the case of climate change, the "social deficits" are all on the neurotypical side, on Greta's opponents and critics, who use misogyny, ableism, and ageism against her. They lie for a living, deceiving millions of fellow neurotypicals in the process.
The success of climate disinformation campaigns in sowing seeds of doubt about science is proof of a potentially fatal "truth dysfunction" in non-autistic people. Want to know the role of neurodiversity in our collective future? We may not have one without it. Go, Greta!
It's a reminder that no two minds are alike, and we should show respect, as we collectively deal with the challenges we face as a global society, for all the different kinds of brains out there. Well, except for the shit-for variety.
P.S. Mere minutes after Trump’s attack, Greta changed her twitter bio and made the president look very small. How small? The president’s hands small.
CHEERS to “Moscow Maggie.” Happy 122nd birthday tomorrow to Maine's own Margaret Chase Smith. She was the first woman to serve in both the U.S. House and Senate, and she reserved some choice not-so-nice words for Senator Joseph McCarthy (who responded by giving her the aforementioned nickname). And get a load of this from 1950, which would no doubt get her smeared by The White House and Fox News as a traitor today:
"I don't want to see the Republican Party ride to political victory on the Four Horsemen of Calumny—Fear, Ignorance, Bigotry and Smear.
I doubt if the Republican Party could—simply because I don't believe the American people will uphold any political party that puts political exploitation above national interest. Surely we Republicans aren't that desperate for victory.
I don't want to see the Republican Party win that way. While it might be a fleeting victory for the Republican Party, it would be a more lasting defeat for the American people.
Surely it would ultimately be suicide for the Republican Party and the two-party system that has protected our American liberties from the dictatorship of a one party system."
Yeah. They'd be crazy to try that. And don’t call me Shirley.
CHEERS to happy gays. Forty-six years ago this week, in 1973, the American Psychiatric Association declared that homosexuality is not a mental illness. But to this day they still declare that being a Log Cabin Republican is "puzzling."
CHEERS to home vegetation. Sure, the world's crumbling around us…but at least we've got the magic talking picture box to make things better, so cheer up, Bucky!
The evening starts out the usual way, with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow unwrapping the latest presents from Trump World. Harry Styles and Monty Python's Michael Palin are among the guests on The Graham Norton Show at 11 (BBC America). New home video releases include the hit documentary Linda Ronstadt: The Sound of My Voice and Quentin Tarantino's Once Upon A Time in Hollywood. The NBA schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer (based on the song about how people are dicks until they need something from you) gets its annual airing tomorrow night at 8 on CBS, followed by the much inferior Frosty. Scarlett Johansson ("Marriage Story") hosts SNL. On The Simpsons, Springfield deals with an outbreak of porch pirates. And the weekend wraps up with an epic duel between the Buffalo-Pittsburgh football game on NBC, the 42nd Kennedy Center Honors on CBS, and The Sound of Music on ABC. Billy's pro tip: never bet against Julie Andrews—ever.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sen. Pat Toomey (R-Moscow).
This Week: House Judiciary Committee chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY); House Intelligence Committee chairman Adam Schiff (D-CA); Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Moscow).
Face the Nation: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Lindsey Graham (R-Moscow); new battleground polling numbers with CBS elections guru Anthony Salvanto.
CNN's State of the Union: Sens. Sherrod Brown (D-OH) and Rand Paul (R-Moscow); Reps. Karen Bass (D-CA) and Will Hurd (R-Moscow); Paul Begala.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: House Intelligence Committee chairman Adam Schiff (D-CA); unrepentant 2016 election saboteur James Comey; former Florida AG Pam Bondi (R-Moscow), now serving as assistant grifter to the White House director of grifting’s deputy grifter.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 13, 2009
CHEERS to Mo Money! At $1.1 trillion, I don’t know if the new spending bill heading to the president's desk is too big or too small or whatever, but it sounds like it'll be put to good use:
The spending bill passed Sunday includes $447 billion for departments' operating budgets and about $650 billion in mandatory payments for federal benefit programs such as Medicare and Medicaid. Those programs under immediate control of Congress would see increases of about 10 percent.
The FBI gets $7.9 billion, a $680 million increase over 2009; the Veterans Health Administration budget goes from $41 billion to $45.1 billion; and the National Institutes of Health receives $31 billion, a $692 million increase.
A special amendment that would place the money in a room full of bear traps was defeated. (But nice try, Senator Coburn...)
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the brittle parchment of freedom. 228 years ago Sunday, on December 15, 1791, the Bill of Rights was ratified. Let's take a moment for our annual review of The Precious before the Republicans have time to shred it:
I You can say anything you want except "Fire!" falsely in a crowded theater or "Donald Trump will one day win a legitimate honorary degree, award, or Medal of Freedom" seriously in a crowded room of people with functioning brains; You can peaceably assemble in public spaces to call out the government when it's acting badly, but we reserve the right to pepper-spray you in the face, zip-tie your hands behind your back and haul your ass off to jail if we feel like it; The press has the freedom to treat the statements and policies of the left and the right as equally valid because we know you gotta sell papers and achieve your daily clickbait goals.
Bonus 1st Amendment right: The United States is technically neutral on religion, except for prayers in Congress, and invocations at inaugurations, and language in proclamations, and at the end of political speeches, and during the Pledge of Allegiance, and in assorted draft legislation, and on your money, and...oh, never mind.
II This amendment is the reason why this document is shielded by six-inch-thick glass.
III You don’t have to let soldiers in your house. But police dressed like Seal Team Six can drive up in a surplus tank and bust down your door any old time.
IV Prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures of your person, house, papers, and effects without a warrant. However, if one or more agents of the government slips on a banana peel and accidentally searches and seizes everything in sight to keep from falling down, well, c'mon, give 'em a break.
V The amendment to invoke when your lawyer knows you're in deep doo-doo.
VI You have a right to a trial by a jury of your peers. Also called the Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid amendment.
VII You have the the right to punch anyone in the face who blurts out a spoiler from a Star Wars movie you haven’t seen yet.
VIII Whoever authorizes the use of cruel or unusual punishment—like, say, waterboarding—is going straight to H-E-double-toothpicks.
IX You have a lot more rights than these ten, but Jefferson lost the master list and we're kinda scrambling here at the last minute. So sue us. No, seriously. Use this amendment to sue us.
X States don’t gotta do nuthin' if they don't wanna, and if you don’t agree then we're gonna secede. Also known as the Sore Loser amendment and the official motto of Texas.
If you want to see the Bill of Rights in person, it's currently being used as a doormat in front of the Oval Office.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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