You People Have Spoken…
Every now and agin' we revisit our daily C&J polls ("Crosstabs? We don't need no stinkin' crosstabs") and post the results of some of the notable ones to expose the inner workings of the Kossack mind. Here are some from the first quarter of this lousy-ass year. (Number of total votes is in parentheses):
» Republicans claimed that impeaching Trump in December would ruin everyone’s holiday. 99 percent of you disagreed. (4,571)
» As the coronavirus craziness ramped up, 86 percent supported replacing handshakes with Spock's Vulcan salute during the pandemic. (2,466)
» 90 percent of you say you can't remember an attorney general who devoted as much time to destroying the American justice system as Bill Barr is. (3,479)
Continued...
» On February 26th, 99 percent said the Trump administration's COVID-19 response was focused first and foremost on his financial interests and re-election prospects, a fact that remains true today. (3,488)
» President Trump claims he "stands stronger than anyone" when it comes to protecting Americans against discrimination based on pre-existing conditions. 98 percent of you correctly beg to differ. (4,590)
» 76 percent of you rated the Democratic impeachment trial managers' arguments "excellent," while 17 percent rated them "good" and only 8 percent rated them "fair" or "poor." (3,005)
» Among members of Trump's impeachment trial defense team, 36 percent thought Alan Dershowitz was the biggest jerk, followed by Ken Starr at 26 percent and Pam Bondi at 18 percent. (3,220)
» You really don’t want Iowa and New Hampshire going first again on the Democratic primary calendar. 92 percent of you say no way. (3,600)
» As of February 20th, 57 percent of you had "absolutely" made up your mind on which candidate you supported in the Democratic primary race. (3,764)
» 96 percent agreed that Trump should be quarantined to prevent his incompetence and malignant narcissism from helping further spread coronavirus disinformation. (3,538)
» And only 3 percent of you believe that Trump's daily coronavirus briefings should be broadcast live. The rest think journalists should have a chance to fact-check the claims made in them first because of the volume of lies and propaganda. (4,719)
As always, we bow to your superior ability to have opinions on stuff.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 8, 2020
Note: I've done some experimenting, and I can definitively say: Brillo Pad face masks are a bad idea. Too much rust. Thus, our #1 recommendation remains chicken wire across the face and securely fastened to the back of your head with super glue. It’s just science, folks. —C&J R&D Dept.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til National Pet Day: 3
Number of states east of the Mississippi that don't have a shelter-in-place order, now that South Carolina finally enacted one (admittedly with loose exceptions): 0
Number of recent major Florida polls in which Donald Trump is ahead of Joe Biden, who leads him by an average of 6 points: 0
Percent chance Trump told Jonathan Karl during yesterday's press briefing that "you'll never make it": 100%
Percent chance that Jonathan Karl is a highly-paid reporter and the sitting president of the White House Correspondents Association: 100%
Amount the DNC has reserved for You Tube ads during the general election campaign: $22 million
Percent of people who have an extra rib, according to some web site: 8%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (including 5 globalisms and 9 red-caped loons fighting the most ominous threat facing our country). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Soda pup delivers the zin and the cab…
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CHEERS to endorsements that matter. When Congressman John Lewis speaks, people listen. Yesterday he spoke out in support of Joe Biden’s candidacy for president, and lit up social media:
Along with his endorsement, Lewis, the 38th member of the Congressional Black Caucus to endorse Biden, called for Joe to break new ground by choosing a woman of color to be his running mate. I couldn’t agree more. Saddle up, Oprah. Destiny calls.
JEERS to punching the hippies during a pandemic. Wisconsin's Republican-led legislature, backed by both the state and U.S. Supreme Courts, decided to legalize conspiracy to commit murder for a day yesterday, sending Badger Staters to the polls on Day 2 of what the Surgeon General calls "Coronavirus Pearl Harbor Week.” All because they desperately wanted a conservative state Supreme Court candidate to win his election so that the GOP can further stick its slimy thumb on the scale of electoral rigging. And, at a cost of a number of lives yet to be determined, they likely got their wish, but not before the Republican Speaker of the Wisconsin House made a complete ass of himself:
So etch it in stone. As of April 7, 2020, Republicans are officially OK with the murder of innocent civilians—including some from their own party as collateral damage—to maintain their grip on power. Memo to American Governmental Studies textbook publishers: stop the presses. We've got some serious rewriting to do about this here republic of ours.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to a fine FLOTUS. Happy Birthday to the late Betty Ford on what would be her 102nd birthday. She gained fame in an era that many Americans can vaguely remember—namely, a time when the GOP had a smattering of class. But even then, she was a persistent thorn in her party's side:
Throughout her husband's term in office, she maintained high approval ratings, though some on the far-right of her own Republican Party strongly opposed her on more liberal social issues.
Betty Ford was noted for raising breast cancer awareness with her 1974 mastectomy and was a passionate supporter for the Equal Rights Amendment.
Pro-choice on abortion and a leader in the Women's Movement, she gained fame as one of the most candid first ladies in history, commenting on every hot button issue of the time from sex to drugs.
Her most enduring legacy, of course, is the Betty Ford Center. Sadly, the center doesn't have a wing for candy corn addicts like me. But I'm happy to say my self-administered Charms Blow Pop replacement therapy seems to be holding. One day at a time.
WHATEVS to rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham is leaving her post. Instead of getting paid to do nothing in the West Wing, she's moving on to fulfill her dream of spending more time getting paid to do nothing in the East Wing. Her replacement plans to shake everything up. Instead of getting paid to do nothing as a brunette like Grisham, she’ll get paid to do nothing as a blonde. The White House will forget to announce her name. No one will notice.
P.S. Of course she’s a racist piece of shit:
She’ll fit right in.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Alex Henderson of AlterNet asks: Is Trump’s pathological narcissism dooming him to become the ‘worst president in US history’?
Yes.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS to escaping hell in a handbasket. On April 8, 1766, the first fire escape was patented—it consisted of a wicker basket lowered by a pulley and chain. Of course they've evolved a lot since then. The new wicker fire escape baskets have GPS and a cup holder.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 8, 2010
JEERS to modern-day Catch 22s. Please pay attention, I'm only going to explain this once: The Pentagon needs to talk to gay servicemembers to decide how to repeal the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But if gay servicemembers speak up, regulations say they have to be booted for violating the 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy. But if they don’t speak up, the Pentagon can't repeal the 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy. But in order to repeal the 'Don't Ask Don’t Tell' policy, the Pentagon needs to talk to gay servicemembers. But if gay servicemembers speak up, regulations say they have to be booted for violating the 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy. And so on and so forth. Is this royal clusterfuck ever gonna end? Don’t ask.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to tossing another letter on the scale of human attraction. First it was LGB. Then it was LGBT. Then it was LGBTQ. And now you can add a “C” to the list. As in: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, and now Cuomosexual. In his latest magnum opus of musical parody, all is made clear as Randy Rainbow singsplains:
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I’ll admit I can see the attraction. But my pandemical gubernatorientation remains out west with Newsom. Once he pierces your soul with those baby blues, man, it’s over.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Trump admits he hasn’t read Bill in Portland Maine's Cheers and Jeers—but is angry about it anyway
—Raw Story
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