The Week Ahead
Monday Due to the botched executive-branch response to the Covid-19 pandemic, the country begins its 12th consecutive week of mourning in America. But don't click on that link or share it with everyone you know—it’ll make the president very angry.
Fox News tells its employees to stay at home for another week because the coronavirus remains a serious health threat. Fox News tells its viewers to go enjoy life in bars, restaurants, and hair salons because the coronavirus remains a serious Democrat hoax.
Continued...
The Week Ahead, continued...
Tuesday Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell discusses the Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security Act for the Senate Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs Committee. Very slooowly, so Tom Cotton can keep up.
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un finally turns up alive at a Burger King in Grand Rapids, Michigan. This is the least-strange thing that will happen all week.
Wednesday Because it's a day ending in y, nobody walks up to President Trump and says "sir" with tears in their eyes.
The multi-racial melting pot of doctors, nurses, first-responders, journalists, and essential-business employees spend another day doing God's work. The all-white cesspool of protesters hounding them, flipping them off, and jeopardizing their safety spend another day doing the devil's work.
Thursday What's going to happen today? I don't know. What a nasty question. Why don’t you ask CHINA??? Yeah. Go ask CHINA. I think you might get a very unusual answer from CHINA.
Friday New White House press secretary Trixie McPantsonfire sets aside an hour to promote all the positive accomplishments President Trump has achieved on jobs, the economy and health policy. To fill the remaining 59 minutes, she makes balloon animals.
Now playing in theaters: nothing but mold spores on tiny little pogo sticks.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, May 18, 2020
Note: RIP Fred Willard…
Gone at 86. Too young.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til National Macaroon Day: 13
Percent of Americans who think it's necessary for people in their community to stay at least six feet apart from other people in public at this time, according to Washington Post-University of Maryland polling: 86%
Percent who think it's necessary for people in their community to stay at home as much as possible at this time: 78%
Number of days this year when wind, solar and hydro have generated more power than coal, versus 38 days during all of 2019, according to The New York Times: 91
Percent of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, who say they would seek a coronavirus vaccine if it was both available and inexpensive: 81%, 51%
Percent chance that oil extraction and mining businesses had the best success in getting loans from the Paycheck Protection Program, according to the Census Bureau’s Small Business Pulse Survey: 100%
Gold medals won by American Olympic athletes since 1896: 1,131
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Puppy Pic of the Day: I think this is who you'll meet at the top of the mountain dispensing the meaning of life…
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JEERS to keeping count. The Covid pandemic rolls not-so-merrily along, and our macabre Monday tradition of maintaining a benchmark of the pandemic awfulness for the C&J historical record continues. Let’s check the worst tote board in the world with all due reluctance:
6 Weeks Ago: 288,000 confirmed cases, 7,000 deaths.
4 Weeks Ago: 560,000 confirmed cases, 22,000 deaths
2 Week Ago: 987,000 confirmed cases, 55,000 deaths.
1 Week Ago: 1.4 million confirmed cases, 81,000 deaths
This Morning: 1.5 million confirmed cases, 90,000 deaths
Coincidentally, another metric passed the 90,000 mark over the weekend: White House excuses.
JEERS to snooping snoopers. Heyyyyy…the madcap Bush II days are back! If you get a strange feeling that an invisible someone is sitting next to you sharing your internet surfing experience, you're not crazy. 24 Republicans and 10 Democrats (of course including Manchin, Feinstein, and Warner) in the United States Senate just gave the government permission to turn your 'puter upside down and shake out all the cookies for inspection without probable cause:
The Senate on Wednesday narrowly defeated a measure seeking to prevent Americans’ internet browsing and search histories from warrantless surveillance by the federal government. Offered as an amendment by Sens. Ron Wyden (D-Ore.) and Steve Daines (R-Mont.) to the renewal of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), the vote on it was marked by a scrambling of the Senate’s partisan divide.
“Is it right at this unique time when millions of law-abiding citizens are at home, for the government to be able to spy on their internet searches and web browsing without a warrant?” Wyden, a member of the Senate Intelligence Committee, asked on Wednesday, referring to the coronavirus epidemic. “That’s exactly what the government has the power to do without our amendment.”
They're welcome to snoop on me all they want. The only thing they'll find on my laptop is bomb-making instructions, terrorist training camp reservations, bestiality videos, and a download of How to Track Down Government Assholes Who Snoop On You Without A Warrant and Eat Them for Dinner. Which reminds me, anyone have any nice chianti recommendations?
CHEERS to Canada! We'd be insulting our neighbors to the north if we didn't wish them a happy, happy—[Looks at wall calendar for the 12th time today to remember what the hell the holiday's called again]—Victoria Day! It's a day for dusting off their William Shatner shrines (required by law) and chugging any leftover Molson from last year's Victoria Day. If you're wondering what all the fuss is about, eh...
Victoria Day (French: Fête de la Reine) is a federal Canadian statutory holiday observed on the Monday before May 25th each year.
Victoria Day marks the birthday of Queen Victoria (1837-1901). Following the death of Queen Victoria, May 24th was decreed as Empire Day across the British Empire. Today, Canada is the only country who still has a holiday on the day.
Victoria reigned for 63 years and seven months, a record for a British monarch that was only beaten in September 2015 by Queen Elizabeth II.
Though she never actually visited Canada, Queen Victoria grew up knowing a lot about Canada. Her father, the Duke of Kent (Prince Edward, fourth son of King George III), had lived for nearly ten years in Quebec City and Halifax.
All I can say is: thank god it's finally here. I was getting tired of the radio stations and their 24/7 Victoria Day carol marathons. ("Grandma Got Run Over By A Mountie" AGAIN?!!!)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to a whole lot of nuthin'. Political angler Lindsey Graham, who chairs the Senate Judiciary Committee, plans to go on a fishing expedition to reel in all them Joe Biden criminal doings! What did he know about Michael Flynn and when did he know it? Who did he unmask and how? And what about Burisma? And Hillary's child sex ring in that pizza parlor? And Benghazi? And Obamagate??? And who really shot J.R.? Goddammit, man, Lindsey demands answers and he demands them now:
As part of the Flynn probe, Graham’s committee will first look into actions by Obama administration officials to view Flynn’s name in intelligence reports during the investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 election, the senator said.
“We must determine if these requests were legitimate,” Graham said, referring to requests by top Obama administration officials to “unmask” Flynn’s name.
Biden’s name was revealed Wednesday on a list of officials who reportedly unmasked Flynn’s identity in redacted intelligence documents related to special prosecutor Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation.
Such “unmasking” requests are common, including during Trump’s administration.
Spoiler alert: Lindsey will reel in no fish and quietly paddle back home to Pawpatch County and drown his bitterness in a Shirley Temple as America prepares to kick his party back to minority status. The smell of jasmine wafting on the breeze will bring him no small comfort.
CHEERS to losing another fair-weather friend. There are two pollsters—two—that are so favorable to Donald Trump that the president sings their praises on twitter every chance he gets. One of them, Rasmussen, is pure gold in Trump Land. Or it was, anyway, until this latest batch of numbers came out late last week:
Nearly a quarter of likely Republican voters—23 percent—want their party to find a new GOP nominee instead of first-term President Donald Trump for the 2020 election, according to a new Rasmussen Reports poll.
The survey…asked, “How likely is that President Trump will be the Republican presidential nominee in 2020: very likely, somewhat likely, not very likely or not at all likely?” and “Should Republicans find someone other than Trump to be their nominee?” Eighty-seven percent of Republicans believe Trump is the likely nominee, but just 70 percent of Republicans want him to run for a second term.
The 23 percent of dissatisfied Republicans stands in stark contrast to Trump’s repeated boastings that he has 93, 94, or 95% approval within the party—a false claim that he has made dozens of times.
Now Trump has only one pollster from which he can get the positive numbers his ego craves. I believe he registered it under the corporate name My Ass, Inc.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 18, 2010
CHEERS to pennies from Heaven's Hypocrites. The latest payout from the Catholic Church here in America happened last week in the happy hamlet of Vermont, when the diocese there agreed to shell out over $20 million to settle 30 cases of abuse by priests. And it's gonna sting a bit:
The 118,000-member diocese will pay the plaintiffs by selling its 32-acre historic headquarters overlooking Burlington's Lake Champlain (it's now seeking new office space) and its 26-acre Camp Holy Cross property along Colchester's Malletts Bay.
My question: what the hell is an organization that preaches the words and deeds of the Humble Carpenter doing with a sprawling 32-acre "headquarters" in the first place? Oh, yeah...using it to strategize on how to avoid having to sell it to pay for its past abuses. We'll file this story under "Epic Fail."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to equality. Since our current president had no intention of devoting even a millisecond to the occasion yesterday, here's a reminder of what it sounds like when a grownup occupies the most powerful office in the world:
On May 17, Americans and people around the world mark the International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia by reaffirming the dignity and inherent worth of all people, regardless of who they love or their gender identity.
Our nation is committed to the principle that all people should be treated fairly and with respect. Advancing this goal has long been a cornerstone of American diplomacy, and I am proud that my Administration has made advancing the human rights of LGBT individuals a specific focus of our engagement around the world. I am also proud of the great strides that our nation has made at home in recent years, including that we now have marriage equality as a result of last year’s landmark Supreme Court decision.
At the same time, there is much work to be done to combat homophobia and transphobia, both at home and abroad. In too many places, LGBT individuals grow up forced to conceal or deny who they truly are for fear of persecution, discrimination, and violence. All nations and all communities can, and must, do better. Fortunately, human rights champions and good citizens around the world continue to strive towards this goal every day by lifting up the simple truth that LGBT rights are human rights. The United States honors their work and will continue to support them in their struggle for human dignity.
—President Barack Obama, 2016
Adding heft to Obama's words: this 2015 White House fact sheet on actions taken by the Executive Branch on behalf of the LGBT community during his administration. The Trumpbots are busy un-doing as many of them as they can, but at least we'll have a blueprint for un-un-doing it in—[Looks at watch]—eight months and 2 days. Not that we’re counting.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"We would have booked Bill in Portland Maine for this segment, but it is so frighteningly obvious that he is uttering complete stupidity.”
—Mika Brzezinski
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