Howard Dean tweets:
He tasks me. He tasks me. Below the fold I shall rise to the occasion. Because if there's one thing I know, it's that the Trump administration is full of accomplished people. Like...
Continued...
Senior adviser Jared Kushner excels at kicking poor people out of his mold-infested apartments
Senior adviser Ivanka Trump is an expert at running a scam using her family’s fake non-profit organization as a cover
Chief of staff Mark Meadows perfected the art of at looking the other way while sexual harassment happened in his congressional office
Deputy Chief of Staff for Communications Dan Scavino writes Trump's tweets dripping with maximum racism, sexism, and Nazi-style propaganda to ignite the cultists’ endorphins
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo and Vice President Mike Pence can tell you to the minute when the Rapture is going to kill billions around the earth, bringing glory and joy to the land in Jesus’ name
Attorney General Bill Barr can turn a bombshell report detailing the president's indictment-worthy obstruction of Congress into a story of a bold, brave leader taking on the Deep State
Senior adviser Stephen Miller is the world's toughest negotiator of pricing on child cages
Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin's nickname "the foreclosure king" says it all
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos can tell you exactly which region of Italy the marble counter tops on any yacht sailing any sea came from
Economic adviser Larry Kudlow is so good at predicting the future that he correctly deemed the coronavirus pandemic was contained "pretty close to airtight" all the way back in February.
I could go on and on about the superior accomplishments of this administration, but you get the idea. Silly Howard. Donald Trump only hires the best people.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 15, 2020
[Beep! Beep! Beep!] Note: Caution! Our note is backing up.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Moon Day: 5
Percent chance that Los Angeles and San Diego schools will be online only this fall: 100%
Number of states along with DC that filed a lawsuit against the Trump administration to stop a new rule stripping international students of their visas if their coursework is taken online when classes resume this fall: 17
Amount the 373,304 international students who attend schools in those states contributed to the economy last year: $14 billion
Trump's federal budget deficit in June: $864 billion
Length of The Houston Chronicle's obituary section Sunday: 43 pages
Dr. Anthony Fauci's favorable rating in the latest Fox News poll: 72%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 3 famines and 1 litter of Satanic yelling kittens). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Cue the theme from Jaws…
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CHEERS to today's C&J warm-up act. I think it’s appropriate from time to time to have a special guest provide some comforting words that we can wrap around us like a security blanket in these times of trouble and uncertainty. So please welcome Congressman Glenn Grothman, Republican from Wisconsin, who’s here to tell us how awesomely the president is handling the coronavirus pandemic:
Amen. And……...Amen.
CHEERS to exercising your sacred civic duty. Voters turned out to cast ballots in a grab bag of primaries in a few states yesterday, including the home of C&J. Let's send it down to the elections blockquote and see what fresh hell the voters hath wrought:
Maine It's no surprise, but at least it's official: our state House Speaker Sara Gideon wins the Democratic U.S. Senate primary and also the $4 million raised through Crowdpac after incumbent Susan Collins (R-Concerned) voted to confirm Supreme Court Justice I. Likebeer.
Gideon, whose Indian/Armenian parentage would make her the first Mainer of color to win a federal election, is running an efficient, well-funded campaign against a vicious Trumpbot in moderate's clothing who promised to bow out after two terms and is now trying to claw her way to a fifth. Two-thirds of Mainers are disgusted with Collins’ turn to the dark side, so look for this race to be one of the red-to-blue flips.
Texas The big enchilada here was the Democratic primary for U.S. Senate between former Air Force helicopter pilot MJ Hegar and state Senator Royce West. Heger is the apparent winner, and will face "no-profile" Republican Senator John Cornyn, who only knows how to pilot his big fat lying mouth.
Alabama Senate Jeff Sessions is now just a white supremacist has-been doormat, spurned and burned by his idol (still!) Donald Trump, for whom he proudly became the first U.S. senator to climb aboard the Bone Spurs Express. Sessions was vanquished in the GOP Senate primary by former Auburn University football coach Tommy Tuberville, who will face Democratic incumbent and walking definition of decency Doug Jones in November.
As for Colonel Jeff, he’ll spend the rest of his days sitting around the house in his Robert E. Lee bathrobe with a bucket of cold chicken tucked under one arm and a fifth of bourbon whisky under the other while he shouts "Go, Dixie! Go Dixie!" as Gone with the Wind and Birth of a Nation play simultaneously at full volume on a continuous loop, punctuated by frequent cold-chicken farts.
So those are the biggest winners, and you can see all the results, including Texas congressional primaries, via the Daily Kos Election Team's live coverage here. As for last night’s biggest loser, I think the answer’s obvious: Mrs. Sessions.
CHEERS to pleasant foreign-relations surprises. Forty-nine years ago today, in 1971, President Nixon caused a stir when he announced he was leavin' on a jet plane to visit China wearing nothing but argyle socks and a cape. His mission: "To find the crystal dragon’s golden bedpan of the Yangtze and use its ‘lasers’ to smite my enemies." Fortunately Pat was there to postpone the trip until he sobered up.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to America's political hamster wheel. On July 15, 1948, President Harry Truman accepted the nomination for another term at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia. And, man, talk about sounding like a broken record—his words expressed a frustration at Republican obstruction that could've been sounded by any Democratic president in the 72 years since:
On the Labor Department, the Republican platform of 1944 said, if they were in power, that they would build up a strong Labor Department. They have simply torn it up. Only one bureau is left that is functioning, and they cut the appropriation of that so it can hardly function.
I recommended an increase in the minimum wage. What did I get? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I suggested that the schools in this country are crowded, teachers underpaid, and that there is a shortage of teachers. One of our greatest national needs is more and better schools. I urged Congress to provide $300 million to aid the States in the present educational crisis. Congress did nothing about it
Time and again I have recommended improvements in the social security law, including extending protection to those not now covered, and increasing the amount of benefits, to reduce the eligibility age of women from 65 to 60 years. Congress studied the matter for 2 years, but couldn't find time to extend or increase the benefits. But they did find the time to take social security benefits away from 750,000 people, and they passed that over my veto.
I have repeatedly asked the Congress to pass a health program. The Nation suffers from lack of medical care. That situation can be remedied any time the Congress wants to act upon it.
I think we're gonna have to have a discussion sometime about the myth of the genteel "country club Republican." They sure sound like perpetual a-holes to me.
CHEERS to our newest rock star. Throughout history, humankind has been mesmerized by comets, notably Halley's, Hyakutake, Hale-Bopp, and Cleanser. These balls of ice, dust, gas, and flubber bedazzle us every time they grace us with their presence, and conditions are now juuuuust right to catch Comet NEOWISE without having to stay up 'til the wee hours. The early reviews are boffo:
Those who have gotten up before sunrise to gaze into the twilight skies have been greeted by the best comet performance for Northern Hemisphere observers since the 1997 appearance of Comet Hale-Bopp. Indeed, NEOWISE, emphatically ended the nearly quarter-century lack of spectacular comets.
[W]e at Space.com feel that the best time to view the comet during the evening will come during the July 14-19 time frame. We also strongly recommend that observers should seek the most favorable conditions possible. Even a bright comet, like this one, can be obliterated by thin horizon clouds, haze, humid air, smoke, twilight glow and especially city lights. […]
As for the comet's tail, so far it has displayed a beautiful, gently curved tail of dust which many observers using binoculars and small telescopes have remarked has shown a noticeable yellowish tinge. A much fainter ion (gas) tail accompanies the dust tail.
Our C&J words of advice if you have even an inkling of watching it: don't forget. It won’t be around again until July 23, 8820. And you know that's your bowling night.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 15, 2010
CHEERS to cautious optimism. Meanwhile, down in the Gulf of BP, the undersea robots are swarming around the new apparatus designed to, if not stop the Deepwater Horizon gusher entirely, at least contain most of the oil. For the next day or so, engineers will be testing the new sealing cap through a process called integrity testing. They would've started sooner but they tried it on CEO Tony Hayward first and he melted all their sensors.
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And just one more…
JEERS to T-Day. When we got that sweet, sweet three-month extension in April it seemed like time stood still. But now the piper is pounding on your door demanding to be paid: today is July 15th, aka Tax Day 2020. To help you cope, here are some money-saving tips for last-minute tax filers via Dave Barry:
Let's take a look at the standard Form 1040 and see where you should focus your tax-cutting efforts:
Taxpayer name: Here's a tax-saving opportunity few taxpayers take advantage of: Instead of simply writing your name, write your name plus the word "DECEASED." This can save you big money down the road.
Presidential Election Campaign Fund checkoff box: If you check this box, $3 of your taxes will be earmarked for a special fund to pay for presidential campaigns. Notice that the government does not permit you to earmark the money for poor people, or sick people, or national defense. No, the government permits you to earmark money only for the purpose of enabling politicians to produce TV commercials designed to appeal to voters who have the IQ of a Vienna sausage.
Exemptions: In calculating your dependents, you should bear two things in mind: 1. The more dependents you have, the less tax you owe. 2. Nowhere in the U.S. tax code does it explicitly state, in so many words, that these dependents cannot be imaginary, if you are catching my drift.
If you're called in for an audit, the important thing is: Don't panic. Gather up all your financial records, consult with your lawyer and your accountant and then, on the appointed day, flee to Uzbekistan.
—From Dave Barry's Money Secrets
For your convenience the C&J Coffee/Red Bull/NoDoz courtesy wagon will circulate hourly throughout the day. And don’t forget: to avoid any unpleasant meetings during your preparation, check the dumpster for critters before you dive in looking for your old receipts.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"I wouldn’t trust Bill in Portland Maine to care for a house plant, let alone the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool."
—Rep. Ayanna Presley
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