“From the Makers of Kellyanne in a Garbage Can”
Kimmel introduces the must-have holiday gift for 2020...if you want to live:
Don’t expect the red-hatted cultists to buy it. Batteries are science.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, December 16, 2020
Note: I don’t know what you did to piss off the gays, feminists, and pagans, east coast, but damn:
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the electoral votes are certified in Congress: 21
Days 'til inauguration day: 35
Percent of Americans who are satisfied with what they pay for health care, according to Gallup, up from 58% a decade ago: 67%
Percent of the 782 LGBTQ candidates who entered the 2020 general election and won their races: 43%
Percent by which Covid deaths rose in counties with the largest college student populations since August, though most occurred among older community members, according to The New York Times: 100%
Percent rise in Covid deaths in the rest of the nation: 58%
Age of spy novelist John le Carré and country star Charley Pride when they died last week: 89, 86
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 5 plagues and the gravest sin Newsmax ever committed). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Okay, you’re hired...
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CHEERS to timely departures. Attorney General Bill Barr, whose dedication to applying equal justice under the law is absolute as long as you wear a red hat or orange face makeup, is finally going bye-bye. After 22 months of gleefully weaponizing the Justice Department on behalf of one guy—you know who—Barr made a critical mistake that his boss simply couldn’t abide: he accidentally told the truth about the accuracy of the 2020 election results. For the C&J time capsule, his greatest hits via CNN:
In his most notorious move, Barr delivered a misleading summary of special counsel Robert Mueller's report, essentially clearing Trump in the Russia probe, which drew a sharp rebuke from Mueller himself. […]
The attorney general echoed the President's anger at coronavirus lockdowns, calling them, apart from slavery, "the greatest intrusion on civil liberties in American history." Barr also asked for the Justice Department to take over the President's defense in a defamation lawsuit filed against him by Jean E. Carroll, who accused him of sexual assault.
[I]n June, Barr ordered authorities to disperse a large crowd of peaceful protesters near the White House so Trump could walk to the nearby historic St. John's Church, where a fire had been set in the basement the previous night during unrest sparked by the police killing of George Floyd in Minneapolis.
Barr and his jowls will slouch back to the private sector on Festivus under the guise of wanting to spend more time with his family. His family plans to appeal the decision.
CHEERS to Billeh's Miracle Life Lessons, Part 45. In our continuing series, which we're starting just now, we offer this handy truism to ponder over your morning mimosa(s): Life Comes At You Fast. We made a note to revisit this news item from October, 2019, and today we’re making good on it. The exalted Magic 8-Ball shakers at Moody's Analytics stuck their thumbs under their designer suspenders and emerged from under their green eyeshades two years ago to give Trump the green light for a second term. To their credit, they wisely added a small caveat:
President Donald Trump looks likely to cruise to reelection next year under three different economic models Moody’s Analytics employed to gauge the 2020 race.
Barring anything unusual happening, the president’s Electoral College victory could easily surpass his 2016 win over Democrat Hillary Clinton, which came by a 304-227 count.
Moody’s based its projections on how consumers feel about their own financial situation, the gains the stock market has achieved during Trump’s tenure and the prospects for unemployment, which has fallen to a 50-year low. Should those variables hold up, the president looks set to get another four-year term.
Which brings us to Billeh's Miracle Life Lesson, Part 46: In Trump World, Variables Are Now Part of the Deep State.
CHEERS to civil disobedience...with pinky extended. Don't forget to throw a few bags of Earl Grey into the nearest body of water today, the 247th anniversary of the Boston Tea Party. That was the day in 1773 when rebellious colonists dumped a few hundred chests of tea into Boston Harbor, an act of defiance against the British Crown for imposing taxation without representation. Which is exactly what the modern day "tea party"—now the Trump Party—is all about, plus racism, birtherism, secessionism, misogyny, Islamophobia, homophobia, and making the rich as comfortable as possible...but minus the taxation without representation part since they do have taxation with representation. And for those of you represented by Louie Gohmert, we have just one thing to say: thoughts and prayers.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to running out of time. Just a little reminder that if you have a flexible spending account as part of your health insurance plan, it's likely that you'll lose whatever money you have socked away if you don’t spend it within the next 15 days. Some things that are usually eligible: birth control, smoking cessation, cold remedies (NyQuil: humankind's greatest gift to itself), contact lens solution...stuff like that. But if your remaining balance is sizable enough, we'd advise you to buy something that'll deliver the most bang for your pre-tax buck: senators.
CHEERS to 56 years of proudly waving, eh. On December 15, 1964, "after six months of debate and 308 speeches, passed by a majority vote in the House of Commons," Canada adopted the maple leaf flag:
We're not sure what the proper gift is for a flag on its birthday, so we defaulted to the usual: a pair of socks.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 16, 2010
JEERS to the giant sinkhole of guns, treasure and lives (not necessarily in that order). The spin doctors in the Obama administration have spun their "eagerly-awaited" review of the Afghanistan War, which turns 10 next year. The positive summary: we win some, we lose some, it's hard work, we can start a drawdown in July but we have to stay there in a combat capacity at least through 2014, and the pallets of American taxpayer cash—stacked in two-ton bundles and topped with a shiny red bow—will continue being flown into Kabul airport and replaced with American coffins being flown out, and we have no idea why we're there. The negative summary: all of the above plus every other word insert the word "fucking."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the Fabulous Ludwig B. When I was 10 (circa 1974), me and a busload of 5th grade classmates went to see the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra. It was the first time I'd ever heard classical music played by a live orchestra. When the opening notes of Beethoven's 6th 'Pastoral' symphony started playing, it was love at first downbeat and I've been waving my lighter and throwing my underwear on the stage at concerts ever since. Today the world is celebrating Beethoven's 250th birthday. For the occasion, via the brilliant Herbert von Karajan and the Berlin Philharminoker, Ludwig got us a present: goosebumps…
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No need for presents. Ludwig doesn’t really celebrate birthdays anymore. He’ll just spend the day quietly decomposing.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"I'm fine with my spite, and my tears and my beers and my Cheers and Jeers"
—Taylor Swift
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