Jerry Springer, yes,
that Jerry Springer is pondering a
run for the governorship of Ohio. I’d normally express some sympathy to all you Buckeyes, but
I live in California. ’Nuff said?
The talk show host, who's a Democrat, spent about $1 million this year to determine voter support for a possible U.S. Senate run in a primary, and eventually a possible campaign against Republican incumbent Sen. George Voinovich.
But on Thursday, Springer told students at the University of Akron that he's open to the possibility of running for Ohio governor in 2006. If he decides to join the race, he'll quit doing his Chicago-based syndicated series, which he called the "silliest show ever."
Showbiz and politics have intersected in America for 125 years or so. But the candidates of the past merely became entertainers around election time. Star as candidate was rare. Sure, California’s Helen Gahagan was elected to the House and George Murphy to the Senate, as was Tennessee’s Fred Thompson. Ronald Reagan, of course, served two terms as governor and two in the White House. We also shouldn’t forget Comedian Pat Paulsen’s silly campaigns for the presidency. And Clint Eastwood was mayor of Carmel for a spell.
But what if these celebrity candidates take over? If Arnold can do it, why not Jerry? And if Jerry, why not
Dennis Miller for Senate? And if Dennis can do it, why not Chuck Norris, Chris Rock, Jennifer Lopez or Britney Spears? Pick a state, establish residency and run for high office.
How about Dennis Franz against Hillary? Or Queen Latifah against Trent Lott? Rush Limbaugh against Oprah? Eminem against Cheech? Martin Sheen against … Dubyanocchio?
The Academy Awards and Emmys could add a whole new list of categories. Best Stand-up Routine at a State of the Union address. Best Music in a Campaign Commercial. Best Special Effects by a Corporate Donor.
I’ve long thought that maybe America needs some royalty. Since the Arnold won, I’m firmly convinced. Some Americans love celebrities so much they WANT them to rule politically the way they rule over our glowing screens. Instead of putting them someplace where they can do real damage, however, let’s crown them.
Start in California. This plague is really our fault anyway, so we should experiment with the corrective. If it works here, we can try it next in Nebraska.
Pick the nation’s top 500 celebrities. Maybe choose them via a weighted average based on how many times they’ve appeared in
Premiere, People and the
National Inquirer during the past five years. Or some such.
Write their names on slips of paper. Fold. Toss into a caged lottery wheel. Spin. Have some blindfolded groupie select 5 names. Onto a ballot with these. Then the election. No Diebold machines. The winner establishes a bloodline as Duke or Duchess of California. (If a dispute over the outcome arises, so much the better – royalty must have pretenders to the throne.) Henceforth, the Duke or Duchess (and consort) will be our ceremonial heads of state.
They’ll throw out the season’s first baseball when the Dodgers or Giants play. They’ll welcome foreign dignitaries, including the President when he comes to visit. They’ll cut ribbons at remodeled airports. They’ll give the first speech at each new session of the Legislature and be permanent emcees at the Academy Awards.
This will not be without cost. Their annual expense account will probably run a billion dollars. They have to live large. A Frank Gehry-designed palace for everyday affairs, with a summer mansion on Lake Tahoe. Custom-made cars. And, of course, a paid entourage comprising runners-up from the original pool of 500 hopefuls. What's royalty without a fawning court?
Trust me, the gains will be worth it. The tabloids and squawk shows will focus on the births of princelings, the courtships and adulteries of the Duke and Duchess and their offspring, the banquets and balls, the outrageous purchases, the stumbles and rehabs and intrigue, the betrayals and turnabouts. In short, the overall splendiferosity that only royalty can provide.
And then, with everyone who loves fantasy over reality well distracted, we can elect people to run the serious end of government.
[Thanks to
Ten Nights for the heads-up.]