Sinclair Broadcasting Sabotaged Flu Shots
by Kilgore Trout
"Yep, they did it." -says inside source at CDC
Following an exclusive interview with an inside source at the CDC, allegations arose that Sinclair Broadcasting Group was actually responsible for the contamination of over half of the nation's flu shots. Kerry campaign manger Mary Beth Cahill was furious, "It's just an outrage, an outrage that goes beyond negligence and politics. This reckless disregard for life and health must be addressed immediately." She added, " Or at least before November 2nd. "
The nationwide flu vaccine shortage emerged a week ago when British authorities suspended the manufacturing license of Emeryville-based Chiron due to contamination. Chiron was expected to supply about 48 million doses to the U.S. market. The company's sole flu vaccine plant is in Liverpool, England.
Authorities at the CDC admit that the system for manufacturing and distributing flu vaccines needed a major overhaul. "But we weren't prepared for this," says an anonymous spokesman for the CDC. "I mean, I just cannot understand why Mr. Hyman and his associates would personally sneak in and contaminate millions of doses of flu vaccine with serratia marcescens. It just blows the mind"
Authorities say Mr. Hyman and colleagues at Sinclair Broadcasting may have gotten the biological agent anywhere, "Most of us carry it every day of our lives," said Martin Blaser, chairman of medicine at the New York University School of Medicine.
Serratia thrives in damp places, from bathroom walls to improperly sanitized medical equipment. It is partial to bread and other starchy foods, where it shows up as blood-colored splotches. Sources close to Sinclair Broadcasting report executives and upper management spending unusually large amounts of time in bathrooms and bakeries. "It was obvious that something was going on," says mailroom clerk Jesse Winters. "In fact I could have sworn they were wearing those purple nitrile gloves to the last few meetings."
Some have suggested that the flu mishap was politcally motivated. "This is just another fear and smear tactic by a self-professed Bush supporter" says James Carville, unpaid advisor to the DLC. "These guys are gonna pre-empt local broadcasts and run 2 hours of pro-Bush propaganda right before the election. Now what makes you think they wouldn't sabotage the health of millions americans just to get a few more votes and kickbacks?"
WhiteHouse spokeman Scott McClellan told reporters today, "These allegations of wrongdoing are totally absurd and false. Sinclair Broadcasting is the zenith of entrepreneurial enterprise." When asked about ties between the Bush reelection effort and Sinclair Broadcasting's contamination of flu shots, McClellan snapped "Well, there is none. C'mon now people, let's get one thing straight, the President does not engage in dirty politics like his challenger John Kerry." He ended the press conference saying, " Besides, how could the president possibly benefit by scaring the american people with sickness?"