Dear Terrorists:
I know you're out there, reading this on the internets (if you're like me, it sounds like Will Farrell's voice when you read what I write). You and I know that I'm running for reelection next Tuesday. I should tell you right up front, I have been using you against John Kerry, saying that you hope he wins. I don't know if that's true or not -- Karl says y'all apparently endorsed me -- but I like to say it. At least, it's easier than figuring out what Karl's really thinking, what with his fancy double-reverse psychology mind tricks.
Unfortunately, it's still a tight race. We've got these terror alerts that I've been taking advantage of -- every time I lose a couple points or it looks like someone's onto me and my administration's reputation as a halfway house for power-hungry crooks, I get Tom Ridge on speed-dial. And if you've seen the charts showing how precisely my polls and the orange alerts match up, you know what I mean: I get a three-point boost that lasts a week, which ought to be enough to swing this election as long as nothing else goes to shit by Monday. But the thing is, there's only one more chance for a terror alert -- and luckily, there's only one more higher level. Red -- cherry red. I've been saving it for you.
Now, you may say, "But we don't have anything planned for you!" Or you may say, "We have something planned, but it's not scheduled until after the election!" Or you might say something else -- either way, I don't care. See, my neocon friends and I have prepared the American public: if you do something, people are going to support me because I'm the president. If you try to do something but somehow get caught, people are going to support me because we actually caught some terrorists in America for once (radical white Christians, I have to say, just don't count as terrorists -- don't ask me why, it's what John Ashcroft says, and I know not to argue with him).
And if you don't do anything, then I get credit for keeping America safe. Heads I win, tails I win, and if it lands on its side, the Supreme Court says I win (I never get tired of that joke).
Now, when I talk about my winning, that does not mean you losing -- that just means John Kerry losing. You and I can both win, as far as I'm concerned, and we have a two-part strategy that I'll explain: First, Cheney and I have been calling our opponents treasonous little shits just because they're Democrats. We had Zell Miller tell the Republican National Convention that anyone who doesn't vote for me doesn't love America. He also said that Democrats must hate freedom and democracy because they nominated someone to oppose me in the regularly-scheduled election, and that everyone has to vote for me to show the terrorists that we're strong. I wanted to try to figure out what he was saying, but he was kind of spitty. "Say it, don't spray it!" I almost hollered, but Laura distracted me. And Tommy Franks said that if there's another terror attack, the Constitution probably won't survive, and we'll have some sort of martial law. As long as I'm president, that wouldn't bother me; hell, I've already said I wouldn't mind being a dictator.
Second, the way we've prepared for this election does not involve dealing with the potential terror threats you pose. In fact, I'm told we've actually made it easier for you to orchestrate terrorism by permitting the assault weapons ban to lapse, letting chemical plants decide whether they need to protect themselves or not, under-funding the Nunn-Lugar initiative to take nuclear (it's pronounced NUKE-you-leer, by the way) materials off the central Asian black market, and deciding that 98% of cargo entering this country doesn't need to be inspected at ports of entry.
We've also decided that if I talk about being "tough" on national security, and say "resolute" and "hard work" real often, it replaces the need to have people doing anything, except being "tough" and "resolute" and saying "hard work" repeatedly. For example, my national security advisor, Condoleezza Rice, has been making campaign speeches in swing states instead of worrying her pretty little head about all y'all. Basically, if you wanted to do something, you might not have much trouble doing it. (I should add, if you're thinking of targets, 9/11 affected mostly Democratic parts of the country, and I've been able to con most Republicans into thinking I'm doing a good job protecting the country, and even get them pissed at Democrats -- this is what I understand least of all, but Karl's a genius.)
If you're confused by anything I've said, that's okay. I confuse myself pretty often. And I might be genuinely ambivalent about what you do here. As much as Cheney and I talk up the risk of a terrorist attack, we'll do all right whether there is one or not, because we'll have our terror alert (code red's for when I get down to 45% sometime this weekend if nothing else happens). But if you do decide to do something, that's okay, too, because we've also learned from the Madrid bombing: it's not about protecting people, but about blaming your political opponents. That's why my conservative friends have been so angry about what happened in Spain, and arguing that the voters tried to appease Al Qaeda (as opposed to, say, punishing a government for lying about national security to save its own skin, which would be a nasty precedent for us if anyone figured it out!) -- because if something like that happens here, it'll suck for a lot of people. And it'll suck even more for me and my political allies, and that's what's really important.
So in conclusion, I guess I'd say if you're going to do something, you can bring it on, but don't let the Democrats win. Because that's what's really important to us at the end of the day.
Yours in Christ,
George W. Bush